What do you call two dogs breathing heavily?

A pair of pants

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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Did you know SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus? Did you know β€œtuba” is also an acronym?

Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus

Edit: good lord, I didn’t know someone else posted this previously. I thought it was funny as heck and my kids rolled their eyes when I told it SO THERE.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coolhandhutch
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
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My 16 year old son spilled wine while I was doing my daily breathing exercises..

Smells like teen spirit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stent_kush
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
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Breathing in kinda sucks
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wickisa
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
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Breathing 101

Inspire before you expire.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drakens6
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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I’m addicted to breathing

I would die without it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StUp1DId0T
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2020
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What do you call a charming and friendly person with breathing problems?

Charasthmatic

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bored-af-nerd
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
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I could go the rest of my life without breathing.

It wouldn't be very long, but I could do it.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/exitmusic99
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
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Back in medieval times, they used to make computer mice out of the poop of giant flame breathing reptiles...

...surely you've heard of the "dragon drop" interface.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpartanMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
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Why was Thomas the tank engine out of breath?

He was training all day.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whippymcdumbass
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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What do you call a wizard that walks everywhere barefoot, has poor bone density, and bad breath ?

Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

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πŸ‘€︎ u/son-of-CRABS
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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What does a dyslexic war general use for his bad breath?

Guerrilla TicTacs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/southwoodhunter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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Have you been to an apple store? You can't breathe in there.

There's no Windows.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kremata
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
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What do scientists use to freshen their breath?

Experimints

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nougat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
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I asked some clams to help me move but all they wanted to do was sit there and breathe seawater.

I told them they were just being shellfish.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JiminyKirket
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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My daughter was practicing her flute today, she said at bar 45 she needs to add in a breath mark.

I teared up, after all these years she still doesn't know my name is David.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CamilleViolist
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
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Putting a breath freshener behind bars is...

In-prison-mint.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RAClef
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
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I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth

Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sweet_nut_nectar
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
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What’s Santa’s favourite breath freshener?

Ornamints.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/neonpablo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
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U took my breath away
πŸ‘︎ 131
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πŸ‘€︎ u/COZYCARD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
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Fun fact: You can’t breathe correctly while smiling

Just kidding, made you smile :)

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Etheranad
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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What External Organ does an Owl use to Breathe?

Who Knows.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Parv05
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
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My 8yr old daughter got me with "I can breathe under water"

She filled a cup of water placed it on her head and began to violently and rapidly breathe in and out. The force is strong with her.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theevildave
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
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I made a 12" piece of breath freshener

I call it the: Measure Mint

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis (edited, thanks kind friends for the correction!)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/banditk77
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
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Did you know you cannot breath through the nose while you're smiling?

Haha, I made you smile.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/osman_uat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
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What do German meat lovers breathe?

Hamburg-air

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lovethedarknet
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
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Why did the wizard’s wife have hickeys on her neck?

Because he was a neck-romancer.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyclopropagative
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
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So Gandhi fasted every day. His body got weaker and weaker. His feet grew incredibly tough from walking barefoot. He was deep into Hindu spirituality. Unfortunately, he had chronic bad breath.

I guess what I'm trying to tell you is that Gandhi was a super fragile, calloused mystic suffering from halitosis.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
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There was an old hermit who lived in a cave and walked a lot, but didn't have shoes. He also didn't have the greatest health and had really bad breath. They called him the:

Super Calloused Fragile Mystic Plagued with Halitosis.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/l8rry394
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
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Now days, people don't use the name Lance very often

In medieval times, people were named Lance a lot

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Degtyrev
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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What does a scientist do to freshen their breath?

Ex-spearmints

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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnlong81613
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
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Chemistry Pun
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
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What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

BREATHE! JUST BREATHE!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoyUnMalaleche
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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When I came in at work this morning, my boss told me my breath smelled like wine.

Ofcourse it does! With my salary I can't afford any Champagne!

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
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How do drug addicts breath?

CocaINe, cocaOUTe

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Elemental-Master
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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My wife constantly takes my breath away.

She really should wear less perfume.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/leeericewing
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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Did you hear that Julie Andrews will no longer be supporting cheap lipstick? It crumbles easily and makes her breath smell.

In a quote she said "The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yougotyolks
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2020
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There's a new film about oxygen that's coming out soon, but there's no date.

I wonder when it will air.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/An1meK1TTEN
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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What do you call sugar-free breath mints from California?

"Sacramentos."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
🚨︎ report
llamenting every public breath I take
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πŸ‘€︎ u/formidable-fox
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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Sir, can you breathe?

No, but my lung can, sir.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/savedbytheb3l1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2020
🚨︎ report
SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym...

For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Light_bulbnz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hatlesshobo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an incredible set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Plus, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Edit: I do now realize I misspelled Gandhi. I cannot edit the title, just know that I see it and am sorry.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SamuraiSAM5
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

πŸ‘︎ 250
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

Breathe, damn it! Breathe!

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Edit: Wow! Didn't expect this big reaction! Thanks for the silver! Edit 2: And gold!? Thanks again! :)

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/auroraborora
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

"Breathe damn it, breathe!"

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report

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