Wheezes in big w
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YaBoiAids69
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
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"wheezes"
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zeb236
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2019
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my grandfather said this today on the dinner table and i was the only one that found it hilarious for no reason at all

G : what type of apples grow on trees ?

my dumbass : idk red and green ?

G : all of them do

wheezes

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/malikbefine
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2021
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I used to be a man stuck inside a womans body....

Then I was born.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
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What kind of car does Jesus drive?

A Christler.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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Me: See? To prove I'm not a boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!

Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh?

Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work!

Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly..

Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.

πŸ‘︎ 678
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HIGHxCLASSxHOBO
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2020
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What do you call a magician who smokes?

A wheez-ard

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Secretseacrits549
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
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How are dog catchers paid?

By the pound.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GedT1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
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Another no-arms, no-legs joke to add to the database...

French woman with Covid?

La Wheez.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
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I just witnessed a bride walk down the isle to the song "dock of a bay"

It was an Otis wedding.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brosthetic
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
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I was voted by my coworkers as the β€œMost Secretive Guy” in the office.

I can’t tell how much this means to me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2019
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Do you want to read this book of unoriginal jokes?

Nah, I already reddit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrthatsthat
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2018
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My friend’s dad fell down the stairs the other day

He got up and said, β€œjust thought I’d drop in”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/t_ommyg
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2019
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If witches, drunks, and hobos show up at my doorstep, I can only assume it’s Halloween.

Because our family reunion was in April.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2018
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What did the grape do when it got stepped on?

It let out a little wine

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2019
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Sometimes in old insulation there can be toxic chemicals.

You should avoid them asbestos you can.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DarthElevator
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2018
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Three little pigs

Once upon a time there were three little pigs, Pork Chop, Hambone, and Bacon.

The boys lived at home with their mother. One day their mother said, β€œI no longer have enough food to feed you boys, you need to go out on your own and find your fortunes.”

Not wanting to upset their mother they left the house together to seek their fortunes.

Several miles into their journey Bacon, the little pig everyone liked best, said, β€œLet’s build our houses here! This seems like a great place to start making our fortunes.”

Pork Chop and Hambone agreed. So they all began building their houses.

Pork Chop, the laziest of the bunch, decided to build his house out of straw, which he apparently stole from a nearby field. It was not a very sturdy building material, but Pork Chop didn’t care. All he wanted to do was play all day, and he didn’t want to spend too much time building.

Hambone was willing to work a bit harder and he decided to build his house out of sticks which he procured by de-limbing every tree within a 300 meter radius of their homestead.

Hambone and Pork Chop were happy. Now all they had to do was to play and sleep the rest of the day.

Now Bacon was a hard worker. He knew that his brothers had used bad materials and shoddy construction methods and he wanted to build the best house he could. He found several tons of bricks stacked in neatly ordered pallets in the forest which he decided to use for his building material. It took him several days, but when he was done Bacon had the best house on the homestead.

The next day a wolf, Scott Howard, happened upon the pig brothers and their new homestead. He spied the straw house and smelled Pork Chop inside and began to think to himself that Pork Chop would make a mighty fine meal, so Scott went and knocked on the door.

Scott said, β€œLittle Pig! Little Pig! Let me in!”

Pork Chop replied, β€œNo way JosΓ©! Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!”

Scott, undeterred by the reply says, β€œThen I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your crappy straw house to the ground!”

Scott began to huff and puff. He was evidently having some sort of asthma attack, but after a few tugs from his handy dandy rescue inhaler, he was able to muster enough wind to blow Pork Chops straw house to the ground.

Pork Chop narrowly escaped Scott’s massive jaws. Scared, and now homeless, Pork Chop ran for the nearest shelter he could see. Hambone’s house.

Scott, undeterred, chased Pork Chop to his new hiding place. Scott was very pleas

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RageMonster17
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
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Why did the woman who wanted to poison her husband, cross the road?

To get to the other cyanide.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eltegs
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2018
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What do you call a ginger with asthma?

A Wheez-ly

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2019
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My dad’s version of β€œThe Night Before Christmas”

A Christmas Poem
by Dad (1952–2009)

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the shack,
Not a creature was stirring, we was all in the sack;

Our mugs were placed on the mantle with cheer,
In hope that Saint Nick would bring us a beer;

And me I was tucked up all snug in my bed,
But strains of sweet music still danced through my head;

So I sprang from my bed with a crash and a clatter,
And off down the hall with bare feet did I patter;

There on the chair sat my musical pipe,
So I sat down to play without fanfare or hype;

Come Mozart, come Hayden, Stravinski and Strauss,
And write me some music to bring down the house;

When down from the chimney appeared with a crash,
A strange little man in the smoke and the ash;

He wiggled and jumped and got up like a shot,
Came over and said, "Man those cinders are hot!";

His stomach it shook like a bowl full of jelly,
For a moment I thought it was dear old aunt Nelly;

His nose like a cherry, his ears like two jugs,
I was worried that this guy just might be on drugs;

His language was foul, his jokes they were crass,
So I opened the door and threw him out on his ass;

But then as I turned, boy was I ever surprised;
I saw what he'd bought me, or so I surmised;

For there in the corner right under the tree,
Was some brand new sheet music and a case of O.V.;

I turned to say thank-you but found he had gone,
He was not in the garden and not on the lawn;

And just when I thought that he couldn't get far,
I realized the old goat had stolen the car;

Off in the distance he said with a wheeze,
"I hated to do it but you left me the keys!";

I smiled and laughed for this much I could savour,
For I'd just sold the car to my idiot neighbour;

And once more he called as he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and don't drive when you're tight!"

Thank you for everything, Dad. We love and miss you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CannonBall7
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2016
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Old doctors never die they just lose their patience

I had just taken a fall down a flight of stairs and hit my head the week before so my dad and I went to visit the radiologist to gets some scans done to monitor the damage. After the scans were finished the radiologist went to talk to my dad about the results. When they had finished talking my dad came to talk to me with a grave look on his face. Dad: bleedingllamadance I'm sorry to say, they found something on the scan... Me: What did they find? Am I going to be okay? Dad: I'm sorry but.... they found a brain! (laughs until he starts wheezing) Dad: But actually you do have a hairline fracture on your skull

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πŸ“…︎ May 29 2014
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Just Thought of a Dad Joke.

[Person A and B are jogging]

Person A: Why did you stop?

Person B: Wheeze I just need to catch my breath...

Person A: If you want to catch it, you will never get to it by stopping!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blade4004
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2014
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Terrible Cough

Dad: hack hack wheeze cough hack

Mom: That cough sounds terrible!

Dad: Really? I've been practicing it all day!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/needfortweed
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2013
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