I bought a book at the spice store today.

It’s about thyme.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/csteinbergrules
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I have made myself too many places to store books.

I have no shelf control.

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/habsfan1112
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was

she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lolyfe-dc
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to the book store and asked the assistant for any books about turtles.

She asked " Hardback? " And I said.. .." yeah, and little heads. "

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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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If my bookcase realizes it wants to store dishes instead of books, it has reached shelf actualization.
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/huxley0721
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
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Now to find the right book store
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πŸ‘€︎ u/milk-is-bad
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
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This Square Earth I found at a book store.
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Greekboy69Z
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
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All the comic books I bought from the store seem to be missing the last page.

I have to draw my own conclusions.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Guy walks into a book store...

Asks the clerk for a book on turtles

Clerk: hardback? Guy: yeah, and their little heads pop in and out!

Happy Father’s Day to any dads out there

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/3piecepete
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2019
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I only buy Edgar Allan Poe books at thrift stores...

That way I always pay less, nevermore

πŸ‘︎ 181
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aardwolf7
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2016
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Thinking about opening a liquor/book store.

I'll call it "Tequila Mockingbird"

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hsheridan531
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2017
🚨︎ report
Found a book full of Dad Humor at the thrift store today. [x-post r/funny]

http://imgur.com/a/buLLc

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaMaJillianLeanna
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2014
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You go to comic book stores?

You have issues.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sooshimon
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2014
🚨︎ report
Spotted one in the wild.
πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/f8wemake
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad’s Big Day Out

I witnessed an apple store robbery today, they made me an iWitness. I was already running late, after my wife took my cheese this morning. Even after I told her it was Nacho cheese. She asked what time my dentist appointment was, I told her Tooth hurt-y. But I didn’t end up going, as there was stairs I had to ascend. I don’t trust them, they’re always up to something. Then my wife got really mad at me and said that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!

I went straight to the barber for a new look. He asked me if I wanted a haircut? I said no, I want them all cut. Puzzled he would ask such a silly question, I noticed the graveyard across the street looking overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there I thought. I picked up a book about anti-gravity. It was impossible to put down! Shear amazement a barber would have a book like this! I told the barber I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me. He stopped cutting my hair when my ear fell off. He must of realised I was a leper at this point so I paid for his service and told him to keep the tip.

I received a call from my Eastern European mother in law, apparently my child was refusing to sleep during nap time. She told me he’s guilty of resisting a rest. Then she called me straight back to say there was a kidnapping. I rushed to her home to find my kid napping. I was angry by the miscommunication but that anger turned to joy when I realised it was the first day of spring. I got so excited I wet my plants. After which I realised I was late for soccer practice. I’m not a big fan of the sport but I was doing it for the kicks. I decided not to go as I was tired from the night before where I spent the night looking for the sun. Then it dawned on me. Unusual for me, as I’m usually a pretty good sleeper. I can do it with my eyes closed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lovethebigones
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
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I usually don't tell dad jokes...

But when I do,he laughs.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/deathshotCS
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2017
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124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

β€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, β€˜The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

β€œI’ll call you later!”- β€œPlease don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

β€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: β€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

β€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, β€˜No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: β€œWow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

β€œMe: β€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: β€˜Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

β€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

β€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

β€œWhat’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: β€œDon’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: β€œNo, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
🚨︎ report
6yr old FTW

twice today he impressed me.

first were out for lunch and hes kicking me under the table. me: "stop dude, that hurts!" him: "not to me."

then were at a store where they were they currently have a reading incentive program "...read at least 8 of the following titles and receive a free book" him: "so, can i get my free book now?" me: "what? no." him: "but i read all the titles..."

i bought him a book for his efforts.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/neophytegod
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2014
🚨︎ report
Halloween Puns

Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.


Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!


Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!


For Halloween I’m going to write β€œLife” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers


This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues


β€œHalloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.


Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!


I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.


How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!


When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day


What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!


What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood


What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us


What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A β€œhollow-weenie!”


Did you hear about the wild party at the haunted house? The whole vibe was anything ghost (goes).


How do you write a book about halloween? With a ghostwriter.



I’m going to celebrate Halloween the same way I always do… by murdering a bunch of teens by the lake. Sincerely,


Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, β€œA lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?” The other monster replied, β€œBe a gentleman and roll them back to her.


The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something you’re not will lead to a sweet reward.


I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it’s Election night.


I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so I’m dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.


Why dident the skeleten go to the halloween party? Becuse he had no body to go with.


What did the bird say on Halloween? Trick or tweet!


What do Italian’s eat on Halloween? Fettucinni Afraid-o (Ha ha ha)


Why can’t the boy ghost have babies? A. Because he has a Hallo-weenie.


What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween? A. Ghoul-aid!!!


What do ghosts eat for supper? Spooketi


What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house? Hope it’s Halloween!!


What is the most important subject a witch learns in school? Spelling.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2017
🚨︎ report
On the weekend at Chapters

Chapters is a book store up here in Canada. A checkout line just opened so we were the first in the line. After paying, the receipt was taking a while to print. The cashier remarked "it's the first printing" to which I replied "ooh those are normally worth more!"

The cashier didn't know what to say and my wife rolled her eyes so hard it looked like she was going to have a stroke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oueleric1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2016
🚨︎ report
The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
🚨︎ report
Catholic Bookstore

My dad my girlfriend and I are having a conversation.

Dad: So where is it your mum works again, a religious book store right?

GF: Yea she's been there for about 12 years.

Dad: Is it a family run business?

Me: Yea, it's run by the sisters!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ksaint
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2016
🚨︎ report
Shopping at the home improvement store

Just found this subreddit and, being a dad, I figured I needed to share some material...

I'm checking out at the home improvement store, my wife standing next to me as the bubble-headed cashier rings me up. She gets to a bag of six inch galvanized spikes that I was buying for an outdoor project. Trying to look up the price in her book, our ditzy cashier holds one up and says, "Is this nine inches?" I smile and turn to my wife saying, "Her boyfriend must love her. He's got her convinced that that's nice inches..."

At that point my wife slapped me saying, "You're disgusting!" and our little airhead just stood there and had no idea why.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rubikscanopener
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2013
🚨︎ report
Got my mom last month

Last month, I bought a book of skits from a store. I was reading a few of the skits out loud, and my mom mentioned Who's On First. My brother didn't believe it was 70 years old. Mom then said that there was a section of a Greek comedy that was very similar to Monty Python's Parrot Sketch, only with a dead slave instead of a dead parrot.

Me: "Monty Python resurrected that joke far more effectively than that guy wishes he could've resurrected the parrot."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RotWS
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2015
🚨︎ report
Dad joked my wife while shopping

We were out shopping and noticed that a Mexican restaurant had closed and turned into a Christian store. I told her "they went from people buying burritos from Jesus to people buying books about Jesus."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JStan22
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2015
🚨︎ report
I asked the book store assistant where the books on self help were...?

She replied "Sorry, that would defeat the purpose"

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/B-man44
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I have made myself too many places to store books.

I have no shelf control.

πŸ‘︎ 86
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πŸ‘€︎ u/habsfan1112
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2018
🚨︎ report

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