I met a sentient alien race of blood-sucking parasitic arachnids sworn to destroy all life in the universe...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fishystudios
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2022
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How do ticks stick to your skin when not sucking your blood?

With their tick-tack-toes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2022
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What do you call a blood sucking parasite that orbits the Earth?

A Lunar-tick

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vernal59
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2021
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What do you call a blood sucking tax specialist?

Account Dracula

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πŸ‘€︎ u/U_only_y0L0_once
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2021
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What do you call a barbecued, blood-sucking insect?

Mesquite-o.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kevinsfamousch1li
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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What do you call a crazy blood-sucking parasite?

A lunatick!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2020
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Why did the blood sucking insect learn Latin?

It wanted to be a Roman-tic

ETA: a

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LurkyTheHatMan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
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What do you get when you cross a blood sucking arachnid with a moon worshiping cult?

A lunatic.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MicroMatrixx
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2018
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The word "politics" is derived from the word 'poly', meaning "many", and the word 'ticks', meaning "blood sucking parasites". (Larry Hardiman)
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kosmozoan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2014
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Vampires suck your blood to get vitamin D, because they can not be out in the sun.

Have you ever thought about that?

No, because all you think about is yourself.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/West_Picture_869
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2022
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why does dracula always bite people in the neck?

Because he's a neck romancer

EDIT: getting downvoted, might have been a grave mistake posting here...

EDIT 2: getting a lot of upvotes now, I guess the Count is rising

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Typhann
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2022
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What do you call a tree that sucks blood?

A country (Count-tree)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Esmeralda_i
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
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What do you call a vampire out on a date?

A neck romancer

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pentarion
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2022
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FancyAlligator
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2022
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To truly understand the meaning of "Politics," you need to break the word down into its components.

Poli- meaning "Many"

And Tics, meaning "small blood sucking insects"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CoryEagles
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2022
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I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.

Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/swaggerdagger54
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
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My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood...

He has a nervous tick.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
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I had a doctor’s appointment today but it didn’t go so well. All he did was suck blood out of my neck. Don’t go to Dr. Acula.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oliviaj1020
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
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When my family went to France I made sure we avoided the Eiffel tower because I was afraid it would suck our blood.

It is a Paris site.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wmyspr
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
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Why do vampires suck blood from their victim’s jugular?

Because they are neck romantic.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CliCol
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
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Why didn't the vampire suck the snowmans blood?

He'd get frostbite

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bxn_12345
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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What sucks a mermaids blood?

Atlan-ticks

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πŸ‘€︎ u/redditing0210
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2013
🚨︎ report
What would you call a walking mosquito?

An itch-hiker.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2021
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You do realise that Vampires aren't real...

Unless you Count Dracula.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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Politics is the most accurate word in the English language

Poly = many. Ticks = blood sucking parasites.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tao1976
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
A scientist sits down with some colleagues at the lab cafeteria:

"Oh hi Bill! We were just discussing the promiscuous mating habits of blood-sucking arachnids." Bill abruptly grabs his tray and stands up to leave.

"Sorry guys. I don't discuss poly ticks at work."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Make_it_perfect
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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Two friends Bob and Frank are lost in the jungle when they are surrounded by a group of blood thirsty cannibals.

They are surrounded by dozens of the fierce blood thirsty warriors armed with clubs and spears. The leader of the warriors approaches the two friends and informs them they are trespassing on sacred land and unless they can prove they are descendants of the Gods they will be killed and eaten.

Bob and Frank realize they have little choice but agree they will attempt any test to try to save their lives.

The chief warrior brings them a bowl full of angry fire ants and drops one small seed into the bowl. He informs them they must put their lips in the bowl and suck as hard as they can. If they manage to suck up only the seed without sucking up an ant then the tribe would know they must be sent from the Gods.

Bob looks wearily at Frank but knowing they have no other options he puts his lips in the bowl and sucks hard. He immediately gets a mouth full of ants and screams in pain as they bite away at the inside of his mouth. Frank now even more nervous takes his turn and to his dismay also receives a nasty mouthful of the viscous buggers.

The warriors leap to their feet and surround the friends, β€œNow you must die” declares the chieftain. Just as the first spear is raised to Franks throat he screams β€œTria-Gan!” The warriors stop dead in their tracks. β€œWhat did you say” asked the chief. β€œTria-Gan” yelled frank again. Immediately the chief and his warriors turned and fled into the forest.

β€œHoly shit” said Bob β€œWhat did you just say and how did you know it would work?”

β€œWell” said Frank, β€œmy Mother always told me if at first you don’t suck seed try Tria-Gan.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/usernamemispeled
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I met my preschool-aged niece for the first time Christmas eve

She loves turning into a "blood monster," running up to people, slapping them, and claim she's sucking our blood as she yells "I'm a blood monster! Rawr!"

Me: "Oh no, she's a hemoGOBLIN!"

I got some applause from the few adults present.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kuebic
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2017
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house

They snuck from their beds in the middle of the night and met in the gloomy darkness in front of the house, shivering in the cold.

The first boy said in a loud whisper, "You guys bring anything?" He slid a gun out of his pocket. The second boy nodded and revealed a knife. The third boy pulled out a flashlight.

"You didn't bring a weapon?" the first boy asked. He shrugged and replied, "Sorry". And as if to prove it, he turned his pockets out to show nothing but stray lint and a pack of cough drops.

They crept in. The door shut behind them. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. The flash light clicked on. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door on the other side, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a dead body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They found a fully set, ornate dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal goblets, pitchers and silverware adorned the table. Spiders crept over ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hel

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 91
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many'...

and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fatandsalt
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2018
🚨︎ report

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