My doctor just diagnosed me with very low blood pressure.

He prescribed two IKEA self assembly wardrobes.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2019
🚨︎ report
My doctor says I have acute high blood pressure

I’m just glad it’s not ugly

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lost_ina_fantasy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2018
🚨︎ report
Many years ago there was a vicious viking named RΓΌdoff.

RΓΌdoff was one of the best fighters in his village and a terrifying opponent on the battlefield. He would often return from battle, so drenched in his opponent's blood that he became known as "RΓΌdoff det rΓΈde", meaning "the red".

After years of wars, and regular battles, RΓΌdoff finally grew old, and decided that his fighting days were behind him. He became the best farmer that his village had ever known and people would travel from.far away to ask him about his crops and to predict the weather, as he was quite proficient at it.

One morning he wokeup, and looked out the window, the skys were clear and the sun was shining, but RΓΌdoff could feel the pressure in his old bones and battle scars

"It will Rain soon", he said to his wife while she made breakfast. She glanced outside and told him he was nuts, it was bright and sunny.

He simply hiked up his pants and reminded her:

RΓΌdoff The Red knows rain, dear.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ‘€︎ u/smoffatt34920
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back?"

πŸ‘︎ 252
πŸ‘€︎ u/RabbitHODL
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m terrified of elevators

Just thinking about them elevates my blood pressure

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/MET121212
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I invented a new myth to delight my kids

There once was a greedy ore mining magnate who wished that everything he touched would turn into iron. He was careful to always wear gloves except when making huge loads of ore, except for one day when a mosquito landed on his knee. Not thinking, the magnate slapped his leg with his exposed hand. His knee immediately became metallic and the sudden change to his blood pressure caused almost instantaneous death.

Later in the morgue the Coroner noted that it was a classic example of situational iron knee.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ‘€︎ u/CapnFancyPants
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I can’t go to the hardware store,

My doctor has prescribed me an ace inhibitor for my blood pressure

This was from a conversation my wife and I had yesterday. She asked me why I always go to Lowe’s instead of the local hardware store seeing as I’m all about supporting local businesses. I told her it’s because I take lisinopril and it’s an ace inhibitor.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tondropper186
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad got cuffed yesterday. He was let go with a stern warning...

Hopefully the new diet prescribed by his doctor will lower his blood pressure.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/Freklred
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Made a pun at the doctor's today (OC)

The nurse was trying to take my blood pressure, and couldn't get it at first. I told her I have deep veins and usually the cuff has to be inflated until my hand turns blue. She looked concerned, and I said, not literally blue, I was just being colorful. She did NOT laugh. Akward.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ‘€︎ u/Missa_doodikins
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2016
🚨︎ report
Professor Just Pulled This One

Blood pressure is very near and dear to my heart...

πŸ‘︎ 135
πŸ‘€︎ u/Shukhman
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2015
🚨︎ report
My father-in-law: still dad-joking, even in the emergency room

While sitting on a gurney in the ER for chest pains (he's fine, just high blood pressure):

Doctor: So, what brought you here today? Father-in-law: The ambulance.

πŸ‘︎ 165
πŸ‘€︎ u/witty_username
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2013
🚨︎ report
Vital signs

I'm an EMT and I was doing paperwork. My partner walks up to me with the vitals of a patient. BP was done with an automated cuff. Me: What's the blood pressure? Him: 165/95 Me: That's odd, heart rate? Him: 77 Me: Odd, respirations? Him: 16, is that odd too? Me: No, that's even.

I found it hilarious.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2016
🚨︎ report
Dad joked my nurse today

Nurse: Your blood pressure is great! It's text book perfect.

Me: Thanks.

Nurse: It must not be easy being perfect.

Me: I would say there is a lot of pressure, but it seems that is there just the right amount.


πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ‘€︎ u/ClappingRat
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2014
🚨︎ report
Dad and I at the hospital for Granddad

My dad and i were taking care of my granddad at his stay at the hospital today. The nurse comes in and says "Ok sir, im just here to take your blood pressure" Without missing a beat my dad says "Well are you gonna give it back?"

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dvalenz42
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2014
🚨︎ report
My dad had a stroke a couple months ago.

He made a full recovery but had a spell last night and fell a few times from low blood pressure. He said his butt was sore so he was going to check it in the mirror. He said "I looked and it looks like I cracked my butt......"

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2015
🚨︎ report
Grandpa joke

Overheard at the hospital today:

Q- Can I take your blood pressure? A- Only if I can have it back!

Classic groaner!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rose1982
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2014
🚨︎ report
My doctor just diagnosed me with extremely low blood pressure.

His prescription for me is to assemble two IKEA wardrobes.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2019
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.