Black & White Puns

...Swallows

Employee: Does the printer print in Black & White?

Dad(Boss): Only Black, the white is already on the paper

Employee: Nervous Laugh

When he arrives he sees the security guard at his desk, sobbing

“I c-can’t believe the boss forgot my b-b-birthday”

Seeing this opportunity, the thief sneaks round to the back steals the security codes and goes to access the vault.

Unfortunately for the thief, the head of the bank was busy giving a tour to some possible investors and is at the vault.

Upon seeing the thief (who is stupidly dressed in horizontal black and white stripes) he exclaims, “HOW DID YOU GET PAST MY SECURITY!!?!”

To which the thief replies, “You let your guard down”

They are literally black and white.

Because he can't decide whether he wants to be black or white

Well, it’s black and white.

Me: "Hey dad, hypothetically, if the world suddenly ran out of beer, what would you do?"

Dad: "I'd probably swap to pandas."

Me: "Is ... is that like a type of cider?"

Dad: "No, it's a black and white animal."

Me: "Dad? There aren't any pandas in New Zealand?"

Dad: "Well, there's no bears either."

A white penguin is coming towards you, while a black penguin is walking away from you.

I told him to stop seeing things in black and white.

The zebra

Because it's black and white.

"Well, I don't like it either but can do nothing about it since my dad's white and mom's black!" He yelled back.

He cuts the tail of one of them and that works for awhile, but it eventually grows back. So he cuts the mane off the other one and that works, too, but that grows back and once again he is stuck.

Finally he decides to measure the horses and discovers that the black one is a foot taller than the white one.

[real joke told to me by my dad]

Zebras cause they still be in black and white

There it was in black and white!

Once upon a time there were three little pigs, Pork Chop, Hambone, and Bacon.

The boys lived at home with their mother. One day their mother said, “I no longer have enough food to feed you boys, you need to go out on your own and find your fortunes.”

Not wanting to upset their mother they left the house together to seek their fortunes.

Several miles into their journey Bacon, the little pig everyone liked best, said, “Let’s build our houses here! This seems like a great place to start making our fortunes.”

Pork Chop and Hambone agreed. So they all began building their houses.

Pork Chop, the laziest of the bunch, decided to build his house out of straw, which he apparently stole from a nearby field. It was not a very sturdy building material, but Pork Chop didn’t care. All he wanted to do was play all day, and he didn’t want to spend too much time building.

Hambone was willing to work a bit harder and he decided to build his house out of sticks which he procured by de-limbing every tree within a 300 meter radius of their homestead.

Hambone and Pork Chop were happy. Now all they had to do was to play and sleep the rest of the day.

Now Bacon was a hard worker. He knew that his brothers had used bad materials and shoddy construction methods and he wanted to build the best house he could. He found several tons of bricks stacked in neatly ordered pallets in the forest which he decided to use for his building material. It took him several days, but when he was done Bacon had the best house on the homestead.

The next day a wolf, Scott Howard, happened upon the pig brothers and their new homestead. He spied the straw house and smelled Pork Chop inside and began to think to himself that Pork Chop would make a mighty fine meal, so Scott went and knocked on the door.

Scott said, “Little Pig! Little Pig! Let me in!”

Pork Chop replied, “No way José! Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!”

Scott, undeterred by the reply says, “Then I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your crappy straw house to the ground!”

Scott began to huff and puff. He was evidently having some sort of asthma attack, but after a few tugs from his handy dandy rescue inhaler, he was able to muster enough wind to blow Pork Chops straw house to the ground.

Pork Chop narrowly escaped Scott’s massive jaws. Scared, and now homeless, Pork Chop ran for the nearest shelter he could see. Hambone’s house.

Scott, undeterred, chased Pork Chop to his new hiding place. Scott was very pleas

"Panda: A large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China; eats shoots and leaves."

Since today Merriam Webster even has the word dad joke:

"a wholesome joke of the type said to be told by fathers with a punchline that is often an obvious or predictable pun or play on words and usually judged to be endearingly corny or unfunny"

Isn't so black and white.

The South Africa beauty pageant had 10 finalists: 9 black girls, and 1 white girl: Anna.
 
While Anna was beautiful in her own right, she paled in comparison to the other contestants.

As a kid I loved to get the sunday comics from the paper and read Calvin and Hobbes. I loved it so much my parents would get me the compilation books as gifts for birthdays and christmas. I always thought it was funny when Calvin would ask his dad how "x" works. One day my son when he was about 6 years old asked my why some TV shows were in black and white. Inspired by this calvin and hobbes comic where Calvin's dad explains why photos are black and white. http://picayune.uclick.com/comics/ch/1993/ch930919.gif

I decided to do the same thing to my kid. I told him that the world was black and white back then and that things didn't start to become in color for decades later. I got a good chuckle out of it, but because he was so young, I didn't realize that he actually believed it. I soon forgot that I told him the world was black and white. When he was about 11 or 12, one day I got a call from my wife and she asked me, "Did you tell your son that the world used to be black and white?" I start laughing immediately and said yes! How did you know? She said because your son is writing an essay about how the world used to be black and white for school and he asked me what year the world became color. He believed that for like 6 years!

Sister: Do black people die more often than white people?

Dad: No, I think everyone dies only once.

We felt so sorry for him because the poor guy was completely covered in snow, but this morning, he had just vanished!

Not a word, not even a goodbye or a thank you for sheltering him!

The last straw was when I realized he had peed all over the living room floor!

That's the thanks we get for being good to people?!

I'm warning all of you to watch out for this man!

He is a heavy set, white guy, wearing nothing but a scarf.

He has a nose that looks like a carrot, two black eyes, and his arms are so skinny, they look like sticks.

Whatever you do, don't bring him into your house!

There is this black guy who details cars in our parking lot for the surrounding businesses. My boss was coming back from lunch and noticed this gentleman needed help starting his client's car, so my boss got his cables out and gave the man a jump. When he told the office this I said "Thank you for putting an end to the stereotype that white men can't jump." Everyone gave a collective "ugh!"

Because it isn't a black and white issue

My dad found out that all of my suite mates are black (I'm white). Dad: "Do you know what that makes you?" Me: "What?" Dad: "Quarterback."

“It don’t matter if you’re black or white”

It both is and isn't a black-and-white issue.

While watching the giver with my dad, he commented on how it was in black and white and I said, "Yeah, the book was in black and white too."

The UGA newspaper is called The Red & Black, but the other day I asked myself; why isn't it called Black, White, and Read All Over?

The family and I stopped in at local store to buy some things. Driving home from store I hear an "oh no!" from the back seat. My daughter was holding a new bottle of bleach on her lap and I guess the lid wasn't on tight and it spilled a little on her skirt. We get home and she and my wife are working diligently on trying to prevent any stains from forming on her black skirt.

Me: "I hope you understand if I say I hope things don't turn out all white"

Wife: disgusted and odd stare in my direction.

Daughter: "What?"

They continued to ignore me the rest of the evening. I guess I failed; or maybe succeeded.

Eating dinner with the family, we were talking about the weather and I said:

"I think the weather is racist, here it is black history month and all you see outside is white powder!"

My wife asked me if I got it from the internet, I said no but figured it should end up there!

Sister: "Watch out for the black ice on the roads!"

Dad: "Don't be prejudice, watch out for white ice, too!"

I was in the car with my sister and my (very white) dad today and we were next to an old black genesis that was blasting rap music with the windows down. So my dad looks at my sister and I with a smirk, changes to the hip hop station on satellite, winds down the window and cranks the volume to the top, bobbing his head along with the music and making peace signs. He refused to turn it off for the rest of the 10 minute car ride because he was so proud of himself.

So a while back I had some friends come in from out of town. We went to the zoo and there were 2 pens of zebras. A friend asked why and I said, "Well those ones are white with black stripes and those ones are black with white stripes." I regret nothing.

Today my boss, who is white, was talking to our book keeper tell her that he was going home for the dad because he is feeling sick. The book keeper told him yeah you look bad you have no color in your face. With lighting fast dad reflexes he quiped, "that's be cause you're looking at these guys all day"

Me and my coworker are both black and groaned appropriately.

She asked if the pile of my clothes were my work clothes and I said

"No, at work I wear black pants, black vest, black tie and a white shirt. I look like an inside-out penguin."

After a long pause, she said "aren't inside-out penguins red?"

A nun falling down the stairs.

What's black and white and laughs???

The nun that pushed her.

Zebras because they're still black and white

A penguin rolling down a hill.

What's black and white laughing?

The penguin that pushed him.

A penguin rolling down a hill...

What's black and white and laughing?

The penguin that pushed him.