Bean Family Puns

A while back, my mom was freaking out because it takes forever for the whole family to show up at the table. As she was ranting, this exchange happened.

mom: doggone it, we've got cold beans!

long pause

Dad: I believe the expression is "cool beans".

The next few minutes were straight out of a 90s sitcom. All three of us kids choking back laughter, my mom giving my dad the death stare, and my dad just sitting there with a "totally worth it" face. Words can not describe the rant that followed.

The family is all gathered around the table eating dinner when my dad grabs the nearly empty ketchup bottle for his fries. I knew it was coming. We all knew it was coming, but there really was nothing that could be done. As he squeezes the bottles, the final remnants of ketchup and trapped air escape the container sounding like the worse flatulence you have ever heard.

He then turns to my mother and says, "Those beans are getting to me fast tonight!"

Uncontrollable laughter ensued.

So my dad got us pretty good in a family text conversation.

So my little brother sends us a picture of a bunch of juice he has made and put in jars in his fridge.

LB: Going on a juice diet for the next 30 days, gotta loose 50 lbs in 2017!

Dad: I cooked beans and ham soup. I'm on a expelling air diet.

Dad: I've lost 5psi in 2days!

Dad: I'm thinking about getting a methane generator and going off the grid.

Me: 🙄

I was having dinner with a friend's family. Her grandmother starts telling us about her secret to cooking digestible beans. She says the secret is to boil them with a little baking soda to release excess gas.

Her dad is listening and perks up when she says this. "you know her real secret right? She only cooks 239 beans at a time"

We all look at him puzzled, grandma included.

"Well if she cooked one more they would be too farty!" (240)

Whenever my family has Bean Salad, someone will invariably say "If it's been salad, what is it now?"

Hispanic family. Tonight at dinner we had beans and I accidentally spilled some on my pants. I tried to clean it off and ended up just making it a lot worse. Then my dad turns to me and says, "That's the thing about being Hispanic, you're clothes take a beaning."