Barful Puns

The man says to the bartender “1 for me, and 1 for the road”

Bartender says “Get out of here! We don’t serve breakfast!”

I yelled back "I know all those letters!" Everyone laughed, well except this one guy.

Free boos.

They are followed by Batman.

The bartender says to him, “We don’t serve rope here; you’ll have to leave.”

So the rope goes back outside and ducks around the corner. He ties himself up, dishevels the strands on his head, and walks back into the bar.

Despite his new look, the bartender instantly recognizes him. “What did I tell you? We don’t serve rope here!”

And the rope replies, “A rope?! I’m a frayed knot.”

Apparently, the bar wasn't set high enough.

God, my life is a joke.

And says is this stool taken?

Mint got a text from his wife saying he needed to go home right away. Basil and Parsley looked at mint and said

"Don't worry, we got thyme."

And then a table... And then a chair...

A heavily pregnant woman walks into a bar in the middle of summer and orders a big glass of ice water. "Boy it's a scorcher out there," she says to the bartender. "Sometimes I wonder if it is too hot for the little guy in here." "Oh I wouldn't worry about it," the bartender replies. "It's probably just womb temperature."

It snickers

Two big girls walk into a bar

They order drinks, in a thick accent.

"You two ladies from Ireland?" asks the bartender.

Offended, one of them replies *"Wales!"*

"Oh I'm so sorry," says the bartender, "Are you two whales from Ireland?"

and orders everyone a round.

A man walked into a bar with his dog and ordered a few drinks. At the end of the night, when he got the tab, he was astounded at the $50 check. He calls the bar tender over hoping to strike a deal. “Bartender, I only have 20 bucks I can’t pay for this drink. Let’s make a deal, if my dog can talk then you’ll let me have my drinks for free.” The bartender states, “there is no way that damn dog can talk! Pay me the money!” The man in response states, “No no sir, watch. Spots, what kind of situation are you in when you didn’t study for a test?” The dog, “Ruff!” The man carries on the bit, “See bar tender my dog can talk! You’re in a rough situation when you don’t study!” The bartender, “Now boy don’t play with me now, just pay your tab, that dog can’t talk!” “Well here, I’ll prove it to you. Spots, what texture is sandpaper?” “Ruff!” The bartender reaches hand over the counter, almost touching the man, “I won’t ask again sir.” “I have one more, just watch. Spots, who is the best baseball player?” “Ruff!” The bartender, done being fooled with, throws the man in his dog out of the bar, taking all his money. He looks at his dog sadly, “sorry spots, I guess he doesn’t believe you can talk...” The dog looks up, confused, “maybe I should’ve said DiMaggio.”

A length of freeway walked into a bar, and yelled out "I'm the meanest bit of road west of the Pesos, nobody wanna mess with me!"

Then some duplicated overpass walked into the bar. "Anybody think they're tough enough to take on this piece of transit infrastructure? Well, are ya?"

Finally a stretch of dual carriageway walked into the bar. "This bad boy is badder than all you weaklings, whaddya gonna do about it!"

As they were all glaring at each other in a Mexican standoff, some bicycle laneway walked into the bar, threw a chair out of the way and kicked over a table. "I'm the roughest, toughest, meanest, baddest piece of asphalt there is! You're all soft snowflakes! Ain't anyone who has the guts to take me on!"

The first three roadways all immediately turned to the bar and started meekly sipping their drinks, trying to look inconspicuous. The bartender asked them "What's the matter, are you going to let him get away with that? Why don't you stand up to him?"

"We aren't going to mess with him", they replied, "He's a real cycle path".

..and the 4th one ducks.

They both have a great time.

Bartender: "Hold on there buddy, what's in the box?"

Man: "I'll show you if you give me a free drink

The bartender agrees and the man lifts the lid of the box to show a tiny man, who starts playing an equally tiny piano.

Bartender: "That's amazing! Where did you find him?"

Man: "There's a genie outside granting free wishes. But if you go out there, be sure to speak up, because I think he is hard of hearing."

Bartender: "Why do you say that?"

Man: "Do you think I would've wished for a twelve-inch pianist?"

Disclaimer: Not original.

And now they have cameras.

WHO FUCKED MY WIFE someone replyed mate you dont have enough bullets

So he gave it to her.

and he was disqualified from the limbo contest."

Duck billed platypus.

The bear says to the bartender, “I’ll get a whiskey and a....... A beer.”

The bartender says, “Sure man, but what’s with the big pause?”

The bear would reply, “I don’t know, man. I was born with them.”

A bar attender

But they didn't planet.

“Is that a fret?!"

He looks at the bartender and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

The first scientist orders H2O, the second scientist orders H2O2 and dies.

"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

"How about something to eat?"

"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

"What about some peanuts?"

"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"

The anteater replies, "I was born with it!"

It was yappy hour.

The bartender asked are you ladies from Ireland? The girls smiled and said Wales. The bartender replied are you two whales from Ireland?

The bartender comes to him and says 'you look different now, is anything wrong'

Pirate: 'Oh nothing'

'What about your leg, where did it go'

'I boarded a ship, slipped and it got eaten by a shark'

'What about the hook, where did the hand go'

'I lost it in a heated swordfight'

'Then how did you get the eyepatch'

'I was cleaning the deck and a bird pooped in it'

'That doesn't make any sense, how can you get an eyepatch from a bird pooping in your eye'

'It was my first day with the hook'

That’s me eliminated from the limbo championship.

The next guy ducked.

The bartender says for you no charge

What can I get for you bud?”

“Pop” goes the weasel

It was a tense moment.

It was a shingles bar...

🥸

The bartender says, “we don’t serve your type”

The bartender says "I'm sorry, but we don't serve your type here"

One is a salted.

And a table, and a chair