Authenticness Puns

My dad (who is old and doesn’t know how to use Reddit) wants me to post the joke he just made up…

Two guys talking

1: “Hey man! You look like you’ve lost weight!”

2: “Thanks I’ve been dieting”

1: “Cool! What’s your diet?”

2: “Poverty…”

I'll shoyu!

I'm sure it has been done, but I thought of it while exhausted in an airport. So it's original to me.

Happy holidays r/dadjokes, hope you all made it where you are going.

They are so full of themselves

It’s called ‘More Hunan Than Hunan’

New dad here. When my son makes his strained face, I ask him if he’s Gaseous Clay or Poohamed Ali.

I asked "didja redo it"?

It was in a purse with some car keys

They aren't made from real Martians.

Turns out it was just a quokka shit.

(While doing a crossword)

“There’s one here - postman with a heavy sack”

“How many letters?”

“…”

I had recently just bought an iKettle, I could turn it on by asking Alexa to turn the kettle on, my dad came around with his wife and I went to show it off:

Me - "Dad, watch this, Alexa, put the kettle on" Alexa - Beep 'kettle boiling noises in the kitchen' Dad - without batting an eyelid "I've got one of them too" looks directly at his wife and says, "Put the kettle on".

She wanted to see the task manager

“Bruh”

About a waffull.

[removed]

NYPD is setting up a perimeter around all 5 burros

Bonafide

I wonder if he's a fan of his predecessor, TwoFac Secure?

I mean, the folks there were so nice, and as I left, the guy told me, "Get a long little doggy!"

So I called it FIFA Faux Pho.

So we are at breakfast and a guy comes in with a old school red leather Michael Jackson jacket zippers and sequins. As we were leaving I walk by him and we said hi.

I said "when you came in I was going to tell you to "beat it". He said "and I would have lol".

Nope he didn't get it. His wife explained. 🤦🏻‍♂️😂😂😂

Seoul food.

They are always signed!

Credit goes to my young nephew (future dad) William

What’s with all this forced two factor authentication?

I think they’ve gone TWO FAH.

I'm not a big fan of Two-Step Authentication.

We are sorry that we did not speak, we are helping in Kiev to prepare 150,000 beds for Russian soldiers. Funeral Home AS, Bytom - Poland.

This is authentic joke from their webpage

Reddit wouldn't let me get into my account until I put on a cowboy hat and danced.

I'm not a big fan of their Two-Step Authentication.

A man goes to an auction , and he’s a big Shakespearean fanatic. One of the items comes up and it’s a pencil that was used by the man himself when writing his sonnets. Authenticated, however, the ends all chewed up. As the man leans in a passerby asks him “What type of pencil is that?” The fanatic thinks for a moment before saying: “I’m can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B.”

Im a photographer and was telling her about an assignment to photograph a woman and her early 20th century car and that the woman would be wearing authentic era clothing for the portrait.

Me: And she'll be wearing period appropriate clothing. Girlfriend: So she'll be wearing sweatpants?

My infant has a pretty flat head, when I took him to the doctor's office to get a referral for a helmet to shape his head, they asked what his name was.

I told them, "Well, his name is ___, but we like to call him Phillips to encourage him."

I got some truly authentic guffaws, and my dadjoke confidence rose a bit. I feel like I may be getting the hang of this.

My authentic anthology about Alliterations.

While it's true it was invented by a restaurant owner in Worcestershire, he couldn't come up with a catchy name. Serving it to a customer, the owner asked them how they liked their dinner. The customer replied, "It was delicious! What's this here sauce?"

Personal note: this is an authentic dad joke from my dad.

A newly married couple were confused on how to spend their honeymoon , the husband wanted to go to Australia first but the wife wanted to go to TIC TAC world(coz fuck logic). Upon further debate they ended on going to australia first because the husband thought the sequence was authentic.

But he was able to provide Foo Tractor authentication.

if they did, they could go on a transmission

-- authentic dadjoke overheard at breakfast

I had to run a couple of errands between then and now, so my memory might be a bit fuzzy, but I'll do best.

Friend 1: "Sarah"

Friend 2: "Shawn"

Future dad: "Sam"

Sarah: There is no good way to eat a taco. (There is a dismembered taco sitting on her plate.)

Shawn: I know, right? It's seriously the worst-designed food, like, ever.

Sarah: Back in [hometown], there's this restaurant that sells authentic Mexican tacos. There's no grease or anything, just chunks of chicken with guacamole and salsa and a bit of cheese on top, and it's SO GOOD. I really shouldn't even talk about them, it's just making me homesick.

Sam: You mean you shouldn't taco 'bout them?

1. You will need a few small pieces of paper or 'cards'. Write down a short sentence on each piece starting with a large font and slowly decreasing it as you go. The last piece should have "I can't see" and all of them should be legible from a short distance. Print if you must!
2. Find a victim friend/child and tell them you have read about an eye test on the internet that you can do at home which will provide an estimate to your eyesight and that you wish to try it on them.
3. Chances are they will agree. If they're embarrassed their eyesight is bad or similar convince them it doesn't matter. If they are wearing glasses you can ask them to take them off to make your story seem more authentic. Stand a bit away from target (the distance you stand from said person should be enough so they can read all your cards so alter according to their eyesight)
4. Slowly reveal each card and ask your subject to read them out aloud.
5. When you reach your final card and they read it out, if they don't suspect anything/get the joke move the card closer and closer until they finally understand.Remember a joke is funnier if you don't tell them, so give them some time to think about what happened! Actions such as slapping your leg, laughing wildly or bashing your fist on the table can help them understand. This is not an actual eyesight test! and use this prank appropriately.