Attempted Murder
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/GrodanGnaskar2
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
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Attempted Murder

I hope this isn't a repeat. I haven't seen it recently, even if it is.

https://preview.redd.it/34m6oq2gt8c21.png?width=500&format=png&auto=webp&s=cdf7919779cbff0aee8288572088fa03fdfe3641

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Racer-X-
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 23 2019
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Attempted murder

Just received this email: http://imgur.com/5fGK8

๐Ÿ‘︎ 46
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/flyingkiwigirl
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 19 2014
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I was just charged with attempted murder...

Which is bullshit! I had, like, six crows, max!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Mish106
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 19 2017
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A crow invited his buddies over to hang out but they didnโ€™t show up.

He was charged with attempted murder.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 47
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Brainsonastick
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
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Keep trying
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/audacious_turtle
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 17 2019
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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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My roommate tried to keep two crows in our apartment as pets.

The cops arrested him for attempted murder.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 06 2020
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If a group of crows is called a murder of crows...

does that mean 2 or 3 would be an attempted murder?

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SchroederActual
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
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I thought I witnessed a murder today

I only counted 2 crows though, so I guess it was really an attempted murder

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/samuelmercanti
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
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My friends and I tried to bypass the quarantine laws by dressing up as crows and hanging out together on top of a telephone wire

Unfortunately, someone called the police on us and we got arrested for attempted murder.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/hpbojoe
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 12 2020
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I stumbled/fell on my way up the stairs today.

Girlfriends reaction "OMG did you hurt yourself?"

"No, but I felt the gravity of the situation"

Her response was attempted murder by trying to push me down the stairs

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Hitno
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
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Haha
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Teuntie05
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
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What do you call a pair of crows sitting next to each other?

An attempted murder.

*A group of crows is called a murder.

A friend of mine collects info and puns about crows and told me this one.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DisabledCreative
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 24 2019
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Two crows walk into a bar.

Before they can order their first drink, they get arrested for attempted murder.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kickypie
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
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My roommate's gunna be a great dad someday

Two crows sitting on a telephone wire outside our window, and a third crow swoops down... "Oh my God it's an attempted murder!"

Nice one, future dad...

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jmp436
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 08 2013
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What happened to the crows that unsuccessfully tried to form a flock? [OC]

They were charged with attempted murder.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/nrith
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 23 2017
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If you've ever seen a pair of crows while youre walking by, call 911.

There was an attempted murder.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/KneeCola77
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 25 2018
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I called the cops on a couple crows meeting in my garden.

It was an attempted murder.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/rurgtide
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 01 2019
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Some of My Favorites

What do you call two crows sitting on a branch? Attempted murder.

A photon walks into a hotel and goes to the desk to check in. The bellhop walks up and asks if he needs help with his luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."

The Past, Present, and Future walk into a bar. It was tense.

Did you hear what happened to the man that was chilled to 0 degrees Kelvin? He was OK.

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison.

What do you call Batman when he leaves church early? Christian Bale

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Zimxur
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
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Roadside dadjoke

A while ago I was in the car with my family and we were stopped at a red light. On the corner was a person in a big crow mascot suit and he was waving a sign for the payday loan place behind him. Just as we look over at the crow again, a cop car pulls into the parking lot and two cops get out and walk over to him.

Dad: "Huh, I wonder what that's about." Me: "I heard it was an attempted murder."

Everyone else in the car groaned but my dad and I had a hearty chuckle.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Iaminfactafemale
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 13 2014
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Jack and the Beanstalk meets Little Red Riding Hood

This is the story of Jack and the Beanstalk, after the story ends. After chopping down the beanstalk, Jack realizes that heโ€™s actually pretty damn good with an axe, and casual vegetative vandalism really struck his fancy, so he began chopping down other trees for a living. He became a traveling woodsman, and he enjoyed many years of his simple life of manual labor.

One day, as he chops wood, he hears screams from a nearby cottage. Hurriedly breaking in (because recall: jack has no problem with entering houses uninvited), he sees a cross dressing lycanthrope attempting to devour a little girl dressed all in red and her little grandmother too. Wielding his trusty axe, Jack murdered yet another fantasy creature, and safely led Little Red all the way back home. Answering the door was a beautiful woman of around his age. After sending Little Red to bed, the two of them talked for hours.

One thing led to another, and a year later they were married with a child on the way. They had a beautiful little boy named Jack Junior who followed in his fatherโ€™s steps to become a woodsman. This was fortunate, because as Junior grew up, Jack was feeling the pain of his previous adventures. An old back injury from jumping from the beanstalk was haunting him, and over time his posture grew more and more hunched. He had a tough time working, but at least Junior was becoming a strapping young man.

One day, Jack and Junior took the long road to the grandmothers place to bring her a meal, just like that fateful trio Red took so many years ago. When they arrived, the grandmother greeted them cheerily, welcoming them in and making conversation. โ€œOh Junior,โ€ she said, โ€œyouโ€™ve grown into such a handsome and strong young man. Itโ€™s so kind of you to handle all the work so your poor father, with his bad back and all, doesnโ€™t have to. Why donโ€™t you have a girlfriend yet?โ€ Junior hesitated. โ€œWell Grandma,โ€ he replied. โ€œItโ€™s because... Iโ€™m gayโ€. The close-minded, set-in-her-ways grandmaโ€™s expression became stormy. She pulled poor hunched-over Jack into adjacent room, and whispered angrily: โ€œJack, your life is a mess! Your posture is terrible and your son isnโ€™t giving me any grandsons!โ€ Jack replied: โ€œMa, weโ€™re happy, you canโ€™t just-โ€œ But she interrupted. โ€œNo excuses!โ€ She snapped. โ€œYou need to straighten your lumbar, Jack!โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/coyoteTale
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 14 2017
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Dad just posted this on facebook.

Apparently a collection of five or more crows is called a murder of crows.

I just saw four sitting on a fence.

Is this an attempted murder?

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/bloodylag
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 03 2014
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Two crows, attempted murder...
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/--CrapSandwich--
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 09 2016
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What do you call two crows?

Attempted murder

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/shaystibelman
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
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What do you call two crows flying together

An attempted murder

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/xtilexx
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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What do you call two crows sitting on a bench?

Attempted murder.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/wspoons5
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
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What do you call two crows sitting together?

An attempted murder.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DocDerz
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 14 2020
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What do you call 2 Crows on a fence?

Attempted murder

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Stonefly_C
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 29 2020
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What do you call 2 crows?

Attempted murder.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Nickl444
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 04 2019
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What do you call one crow in a field?

Attempted murder.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/balloonhat
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 15 2019
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A group of crows is called a murder

2-3 crows is called an attempted murder

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Yare-Yare-Daze
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 08 2018
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What do you call a crow planning a flock

Attempted murder

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/-Vulcan17-
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 17 2018
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Two crows walk into a bar.

The cops rush in and arrest them for attempted murder.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 25 2018
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A man tried to keep two crows illegally as pets!

He was arrested for attempted murder.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/fatandsalt
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 08 2018
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2 crows just landed by my window,

just witnessed an attempted murder

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TheBeerded
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 27 2013
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What do you call two crows sitting on a branch?

Attempted murder

Thanks to /u/Redpike136 for the joke.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mr_jiffy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 30 2015
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