Tonight, my daughter assisted me in hanging a new medicine cabinet.
Me: I think I measured wrong. The toggle bolts aren't lining up with the darned holes. Man, I really screwed this up.
Her: Did you........make a pun?
Me: concentrating on the task at hand Huh?
Her: Never mind.
Me: gets it Ha! No, but that's awesome! "Screwed" it up. Ha! You're a PunMaster!
Her: You're a dork.
So my dad and I were moving a bedroom set for my grandmother as she was moving into an assisted living home. There was this heavy dresser and my dad said “Let’s tackle this now rather than later” I looked at the dresser, back at him, back to the dresser, and I said
There was this heavy dresser and my dad said “Let’s tackle this now rather than later” I looked at the dresser, back at him, back to the dresser, and I said “Id rather lift it”
He gave me a funny look and sighed. My brother in law laughed.
I was having some difficulties remembering what spices went well with garlic and onion, but a professional chef assisted.
He gave me some sage advice. It was about thyme too.
My mom went to see her 92 year old father at his assisted living home yesterday and she said to him, "You sure like to take naps don't you ?"
He said, "Well this is a rest home."
In college, I worked part time as a butcher's assistant.
You know, just to make ends meat.
A photon checks into a hotel. The bellhop asks if he can assist with any luggage.
The photon replies, “No, I’m traveling light.”
Scientists in Dublin are assisting in the research for a covid vaccine.
They are known as the Fighting Virish
We used to have a Teacher’s assistant named Ruth, but one day she left.
After that, our teacher became ruthless
Ad in local paper : 'Wanted Barber's assistant'
What are Aquaman's assistants?
I was buying the wife some underwear, I asked the shop assistant;
“Are these knickers satin?"
"No” she said, “They’re brand new...”
A shop assistant fiercely fought off an armed robber with his labelling gun, yesterday.
Police are now looking for a man and say there's a price on his head
My pregnant neighbor was really nervous when the woman who was to assist her in labor was stuck in traffic.
She was having a midwife crisis.
I went to the book store and asked the assistant for any books about turtles.
She asked " Hardback? " And I said.. .." yeah, and little heads. "
I heard some crows communicating after one of their own was injured.
They were caws for concern.
What do you call it when a musical group provides assistance?
I was in town earlier on looking for some fly killer. I picked up a can and asked the young store assistant "Excuse me, is this any good for wasps?"
"No" he said, "It kills them"
Why was the baker’s assistant fired?
Last summer, I worked on a party boat for the assistants to the staff of Terry Crews
I was on the Crews' crew's crew cruise crew.
So I was driving when I see a woman run over a poor rabbit. I stopped immediately to render assistance.
I notice the woman is hysterical and the rabbit, well let's just say he's had better days.
I think to myself "Can I render first aid ? "
Then it hits me, I can fix this.
I go to the boot of my car and grab a can of spray. So I spray this onto the rabbit and sure as shit he jumps up and hops away.
As he is hopping away every ten steps he stops looks backs and waves at us !
He repeats this until he eventually was out of sight.
The women then asks me "what was that can of spray you used?"
I look and it is hair restorer with a permanent wave.
I wish to add no Rabbits were harmed in the telling of this story
My girlfriend said she might leave me because I didn't give her sufficient First-Aid assistance when she needed it.
Well, I wouldn't put it plaster
A warden implemented a policy to only allow medical assistance to inmates that previously cooperated
They called it "Snitches get stitches"
Today, the day after Ash Wednesday, my assistant discovered she actually enjoys making spreadsheets.
I told her that was excellent.
.
(This is a true story.)
I was in the Apple store the other day and the sales assistant Robert, approached me and asked would I like to try the new iPhone. Not interested, I turned and said:
I asked the shop assistant where the Terminator action figures were.
She said "Aisle B, back".
Is Google Assistant a dad?
http://i.imgur.com/KD1dxhgh.jpg
I went to the garden center today and bought a Christmas Tree.
The assistant asked me, “Will you be putting that up yourself?” I replied, “No, I’ll be putting it up in my living room.”
What do you call it when your virtual assistant misunderstands your request?
Anyone have any Egyptian jokes?
I am in a roasting war and in need of assistance.
Why do some types of healthcare professionals only care about themselves?
Because they're nurse assists.
When you ask google assistant for a pun and you instantly regret it
An assist from my son
My 4yo son asked my wife about her Halloween costume.
My wife to my son: "I'm going to be a witch!"
My son turned to me "Mommy is becoming a witch!"
"Yeah, but what will she be for Halloween..."
I'm the best Assistant DJ in the entire world....
In fact, I hold the record!
What’s a Dr. Peppers assistant
What do you call a Scottish cloakroom assistant?
A man goes into surgery to get his Appendix removed.
Unfortunately, the doctor cut a little too deep and the man's organs began to spill out onto the operating table....
...
...
"Well, it looks you have a table of contents now" says the medical assistant.
My executive assistant has long hair.
I asked the book store assistant where the books on self help were...?
She replied "Sorry, that would defeat the purpose"
Why didn't Billie Joe Armstrong use any assistants when he was on a cooking show?
It's because he woks alone.
A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, "Is this good for wasps?"
A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, "Is this good for wasps?"
A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, “Is this good for wasps?”
He said, “No, it kills them.”
A shop assistant tried stopping an armed robber by attacking him with a labeling gun.
Police are now looking for a man with a price on his head.
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