Wife: "Why are you shouting?"
Me: "Because you're on the other side of the road. "
I will SEE myself out
True story: today at work, I was getting ready to discharge a patient from the recovery room after surgery, and I asked “how do you feel?”
Without hesitation he replied “with my fingers” and the old guy in the next bay chuckled and yelled “good one!”
It’s “P” is silent.
My 3 year old daughter recently began to ask questions about everything - before she just went on with our routine.
Today we told her we should go get some lunch. She said "what is lunch?" - as in, "what are we having for lunch?"
I went on to to explain to her what lunch is; at what time it's had, how it is placed in the mouth with utensils, how the food is chewed, etc.
She just stared at me with a blank face of utter confusion. I can't wait until she starts to get these and actually finds them annoying.
Friend A, while pulling up his pants in aggravation, said, "I need to get a belt."
I responded, "I have an extra belt if you need it. I've actually been meaning to throw it away."
Without hesitation, Friend B chimed in with, "...but he didn't want it to go to waste."
This all mainly involves my actions and thinking to myself.
So I'm cutting my nails with clippers, the clipping seem to travel at a pretty high velocity then cut.
anyway, at one moment I had the clippers facing away from me, meaning my nails were pointing at me. When I cut, the clipping flew up and hit me on the eyelid, felt very close to going in.
That's when I thought:
"Shit, I almost nailed myself in the eye"
We had begun a section on 'change management', and to prove his point, the facilitator challenged us to try to name one thing that does not involve change.
I proudly shouted out "A CREDIT CARD!"
He looks at me and asks, "A... credit card?"
I reply, "Yes. There is no change when paying with a credit card..."
Little brother touching some chains:
Sister: Stop touching those, Jack
Me: Yeah, chain on you!
Brother: That might have been the worst joke I've ever heard...
I'm not a dad but right there I felt like one
Me: Take that sticker off your shirt before you put it in the hamper.
Daughter: I'll put it on a piece of paper to save it for tomorrow.
Me: Throw it away, it won't be sticky tomorrow. By then it will just be an "-er".
Fr0stman: Dad why is gay marriage such a big issue?
Dad: Because people are fucking assholes :D!!!