I’m starting a chiropractic business specializing in homeopathic & aromatherapy approaches...

Back & Body Hurts

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πŸ‘€︎ u/whoeatscheese
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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As November approaches, this thought looms
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elcielo17
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2018
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Man walks into a butcher store and sees a side of beef strapped to the ceiling. As he approaches the counter he asked asks β€œHey, what’s with the beef?”

Butcher tells him if he can jump up and touch it, he gets half off his purchase. If not, he pays double. The man looks up at the beef and says,

β€œNah. The steaks are too high.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tkl15
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
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A donut walks into a church, approaches the priest and explains "Excuse me, Father, I don't mean to trouble you, but I'm very interested in joining the clergy."

"I was hoping that you could give me some pointers."

The priest, after taking a moment to accept the fact that he's speaking with a pastry, offers a warm smile in response.

"That is truly a noble calling." he says. "Most frequently, individuals who wish to become priests begin by growing active in their parish, then entering a seminary. While in attendance there, would-be clergy members work to excel in every regard, reaffirming their beliefs and devoting themselves to the path of righteousness. When the time comes, a given initiate will be ordained as a deacon, which will allow them passage to priesthood."

"That sounds like a very involved process." the donut confesses. "I'm not sure I have the time."

"If you don't mind me asking…" replies the priest. "What made you think you wanted to join the clergy if you're not willing to make a commitment to the process? Why do you want to be a priest at all?"

"Well…" the donut answers. "See, it's because I'm holey."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
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A dad Manning the grill at a backyard bbq. Son approaches...

Son: "Dad? Can you make me a burger?"

Dad: "Sure! (waives tongs like a magic wand) POOF! You're a burger!"

(Dad laughing hysterically. Son rolls eyes)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Darknighten89
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2019
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A man approaches a beautiful woman in a Shopping Mall..

"Miss, please, I lost my wife in the store. Would you mind if I talk to you for a few minutes?" "Why?"

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears from somewhere!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lifeis_amystery
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2019
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As November approaches, this thought looms

https://imgur.com/XwQbpNJ.jpg

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πŸ‘€︎ u/elcielo17
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2018
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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

.

.

.

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/goboatmen
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2013
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Brother approaches me: "Do you know why you should trust the inside of a pot more than the outside of a pot?"

"Because I don't put much stock on the outside of a pot."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/remake20
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2017
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As 2015 approaches, here's my 2014 in review imgur.com/j5nycXA
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gavinfuzzy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2014
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Upon seeing a gorgeous girl at the party, I knew I had to meet her. So I approached and told her about a special-purpose ship designed to move and navigate through frozen waters, and provide safe waterways for other boats and ships.

I've used it before and it works. It's the perfect icebreaker.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
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This guy just approached me and won’t leave me alone until I solve a trigonometry problem.

I don’t know what his angle is.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
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A girl just approached me and said she knew me from vegan club

But i swear ive never seen herbivore

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mitcheg3k
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
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A beautiful woman approached him at the bar saying "I will do anything you want for $200" - He stammered...

"Paint my house"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SCP-173-Keter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
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Last November 5, i was caught off guard when I was approached by a stranger angrily telling me to butt out of his romantic affairs.

As if i care who that Guy FΓ—Γ—Γ—Γ—s.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ganders81
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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The waiter approached me as I finished eating and asked, β€œyou wanna box for those leftovers?”

I replied, β€œNo, I hate violence. May I just pay for it with my card?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/absolriven
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
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A man approached me, touched my shirt and asked β€œis this felt?” To which I responded β€œno”.

He replied β€œit is now”.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yoopyeet
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
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Approaching the house without a mask these days is just bush league.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joelkeys0519
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
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Approaching your Disability with Humor youtube.com/watch?v=dSoPY…
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
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As a spanish speaking dude I really appreciate when people approach me and say "mucho".

It means a lot to me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nicox37
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2020
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Last time I was on a flight, the stewardess approached me and asked, β€œSir, would you care for a drink?”

I asked her, β€œwhat are my options?”

She said, β€œyes or no.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheMikeD1
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
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I went camping and a grizzly approached me. I was terrified. I was about to run, but the grizzly stopped and said, β€œyou will die in 10 days.” I replied, β€œwho are you??”

He said, β€œI hate to be the bear of bad news.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
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I came across a broken escalator today...

All I could was stair.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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Three women were on the run from the law (A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead).

Their car breaks down next to a corn field and they decide to run through it as the law is quickly approaching. They stumble upon a barn. Inside they find three burlap sacks and one of them suggests they should each hide inside one. Shortly after, the sherriff and his deputies arrive at the barn. They notice the three sacks. The sheriff kicks the first one containing the brunette and she says "Meow, meow." "Oh it's just a sack of kittens." One of the deputies says. The sherriff kicks the sack where the redhead is hiding and she says "woof, woof." "That's just a sack of puppies" they say. The sherriff kicks the third sack with the blonde inside and she exclaims "Potato, potato."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wmd1234
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
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I saw the headline β€œTrump Attacks WHO chief Over Criticisms of U.S. Approach to Coronavirus” and thought...

What the hell did Pete Townshend do?!?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TreyBien875
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
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Prom night

It was time for the prom at Klondike High School and Tim's friends were desperately trying to convince him to go. He considered it, but was very self-conscious of the fact that he had had an accident as a young child that caused him to lose his eye, and the best his family could afford was to buy him a wooden eye. After several days of goading, Tim finally decides to go.

Sally was in a similar situation. Her friends desperately wanted her to go prom with them, but she was recently in a car accident and lost her right leg. She had a prosthetic, but it was very uncomfortable, so she had a hard time walking. Reluctantly, she agreed to go.

It was the night of the prom and both Tim and Sally were getting all gussied up with their friends. They both make it to the prom, but when they arrive, they are both too nervous to dance. Tim's friends notice Sally sitting on the wall and say to him, "Look over there! There's a cute girl who's all alone and needs a partner to dance with. Why don't you go over there and ask her to dance?" After some further convincing, Tim sheepishly begins to walk over to Sally to ask her. As he approaches her, he getes nervous, and awkwardly stands in front of her for a few seconds before saying, "Wuh...wuh...would you like to dance with me?"

Excitedly, Sally exclaims, "Would I? Would I?"

Tim responds angrily, "PEG LEG! PEG LEG!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pensrule2007
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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Two friends are on a road trip and one if them sees a sign stating they are approaching Louisville. One says "we should stop in 'Louie-ville' for lunch. The other says it's not pronounced 'Louie-ville', it's 'Louis-ville'!

They go back and forth for a while, neither convincing the other that they are right. Finally they decide on a place to eat. When they get to the restaurant, one of the friends asks the person taking their order to settle it once and for all. "Me and my friend are having a debate and hopefully since you live here, you can set my friend straight. Would you please tell us... and say it clear and slow for my friend here... where are we?"

The person behind the counter gets a puzzled look on his face, then says

>!"Buuuuuurrrrrr gerrrrrr Kiiiiiiinnnnggg"!<

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FaultyData
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2020
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What did Abel say to his brother when he saw a big storm approaching from the sea?

Hurry Cain you don’t wanna get caught in that.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/allout_atl
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2020
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My buddy gets all the girls. I watched him work once. He approached a lady and said, "girl, you remind me of a thick, creamy beverage made from raw fruit, vegetables, and sometimes dairy products, typically pureed using a blender!"

He's such a smoothie talker.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
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Old man goes to polling place asking if his wife had already voted.

So the old man approaches the polling official and ask if his wife already voted. They ask for her full name and sure enough, she had already voted. He said Oh darn! She died 6 years ago but she keeps voting on every election and I was hoping to see her once again.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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What did the Soviet soldier say to his friend when he saw a German plane approaching?

β€œStuka blyat”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lmaodatgay
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
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A man decided to attend his friend's funeral. He approached his friend's widow and after a consoling hug said "Plethora".

She responded "Thanks that means a lot".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jcksn_m
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
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Once I was in a yogurt shop minding my own business, when I heard a couple of women talking in an interesting accent at one of the nearby tables.

I glanced over and noticed that they were quite attractive. A little on the larger side, but that never stopped me before. So, yogurt cup in hand, I boldly approached their table.

β€œExcuse me,” I said, β€œI couldn’t help but overhear your conversation, and I noticed your lovely accents. Are you two ladies from Scotland by any chance?”

They immediately bristled at my question, obviously offended, and one of them snapped at me, β€œIt’s Wales!”

β€œNo offense intended,” I replied. β€œPlease allow me to try again...are you two whales from Scotland?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/schoonerw
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
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I was in the Apple store the other day and the sales assistant Robert, approached me and asked would I like to try the new iPhone. Not interested, I turned and said:

"No Siri Bob"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BazzyTheLemon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
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A Buddhist monk leave the monastery...

Dissatisfied with the style of life that he found there, The Monk decides to move into a suburban neighborhood and start up his own line of work. Being trained in the peaceful ways he gets on very well with his neighbours who eventually notice that he has a very strange profession. Despite being very strong and very philosophical The Monk elects to repeatedly visit places with broken fences and remove and replace them.

One day has neighbour approaches him and asks, "with the physical strength and mental capacity that you seem to have, are you not interested in a more physically or mentally challenging job?"

To which The Monk replies, "but everybody knows reposting gives you the most karma."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DiamondChocobos
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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Why are locksmiths considered great bosses?

Cause they believe in an open door approach

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spacenerdgasms
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
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What's the best angle to approach any problem?

The tryangle!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Flowbombahh
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2020
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I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...

I realized my net wasn't big enough.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
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Did you hear about the woman who was approaching men wanting to trade sex for a spaghetti dinner?

She was arrested for pasta-tution

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
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Two prawns were swimming around in the sea

One called Justin and the other called Kristian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area:

Finally one day Justin said to Kristian. "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said. "Your wish is granted" Low and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn..

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam to Kristian's home. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted. "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Kristian replied. "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back. "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed....... I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Kristian!!.. πŸ€ͺ🀣

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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In recent news, a giant had a troubling discovery when he returned home from work.

After discovering he'd been given a parking ticket, the giant exclaimed in disappointment as he approached his house. This startled a burglar inside, causing him to flee from the property but not before trapping his stubby digit in the door, causing him to leave blood at the scene. Thankfully, the giant's powerful nasal abilities allowed him to aid police as he was able to detected the exact nationality and gender of the robber in question. When interviewed, the giant simplified the story for us by saying,

"Fee, Fie, Foe, Thumb, I smell the blood of an English Man."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wolfyfancylads
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.

I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2019
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I was out playing Pokemon with my fiance when I approached a group of teens with their phones out. "Hey, I'm looking for my friend Amal..."

"Have you seen him? He's a tall Pakistani guy. Can't miss him." "No, sorry man." "Bummer... Yeah I've gotta catch Amal."

My fiance nearly threw her engagement ring at me for that one.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BriansBalloons
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2016
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A Panda Walks into a Bar

A panda walks into a bar one day. He casually walks to the bar and sits on a bar stool.

The bartender thinks this is a bit odd, a panda walking into a bar isn’t something that normally happens to him.

He approaches the panda regardless and asks, β€œWhat can I get you?”

The panda grabs a menu off the bar, opens it and points to a cheeseburger.

The bartender is very impressed by this and so he decides to go ahead and make the cheeseburger for the panda.

The panda gets his cheeseburger, devours it, savoring every last bit. He then wipes its mouth with a napkin, impressing the bartender even more.

But then suddenly the panda pulls out a gun and shoots everyone in the bar, except for the bartender.

The bartender stands there in total shock, soaked in blood, and can only ask the panda, β€œWhy?”

The panda pulls a dictionary from his fur coat and turns to the bartender. He flips the book to the P section, places it on the bar, and points to his picture. Then he turns and walks out the door without looking back.

The bartender leans down and reads the entry next to Panda. It says…

β€œPanda: A wild animal that eats, shoots and leaves.”

πŸ‘︎ 96
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Donorob
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
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A fan approached Tony Stark and asked how does he keep himself fit

Tony replied,"I run man"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vageesh1897
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
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We were walking down the street, when a group of black metal musicians approached us.

My friend turned to me and quipped, "Oh oh! Here comes treble!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2019
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Did you hear about the Italian chef who died recently?

He pasta way.

πŸ‘︎ 154
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sontrii
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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Someone approached me and asked me to help save the Amazon

So I signed up for a Prime subscription and restocked my bookcase.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/emu404
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2019
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Some guy just approached me and refused to leave until I solve a trigonometry problem.

I have no idea what his angle is.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
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A Frog Walks into a Bank

A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
"KermitΒ Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorize the loan, I know your manager."
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
"Sure, how about this," said Kermit as he produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
Patty walks into the manager's office and proceeds to tell her, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $50,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." Patty holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/josephlied
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
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