My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.

Their names are Sam and Ella.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anddditburns
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
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My ex wife had an insatiable appetite for knowledge

She was an info maniac

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
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Eating pita always ruins my appetite

I can’t eat anything posthummusly

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2018
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Bone appetit
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Razabeth
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2019
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A woman asks her husband in the morning regarding breakfast.......

"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It must be the Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite.

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food.

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says: ""Can you now stop and get off me? I'm bloody starving!!".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
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What did the skeleton say before dinner?

Bone appetit.

His whole family found that humerus.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
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Unless sweet is your thing.

If you put too much relish on your hotdog is it dill appetited?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GavinStrict
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
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My son decided to eat dinner outside despite the pouring rain...

His appetite was whet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
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Managed to eat over a foot of french bread.

Guess my appetite wasn't loafing around

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrHollowed
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2020
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I have a compulsive habit of obliterating album CD's of classic hard rock bands

You could say I've got an appetite for destruction

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cinoxal
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2019
🚨︎ report
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.

It has the heartiest appetite.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AwkwardGhost121
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
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What do you call the Goddess of Hunger?

Appetite-y.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ladyeve00
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
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Did you ever try to learn Mohs Scale in School?

Man, parts of it are really hard!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/turdbogls
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2018
🚨︎ report
A dream I remember.

So, today I just remembered a dream I had. It was a restaurant, but everyone were skeletons. I was focusing on these 3 skeletons, one being a waiter and the other 2 sitting at a table. As the waiter served them food, I swear the waiter said β€œBone Appetite.” (i never heard this pun anywhere else, so I claim it as mine)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheGaming572
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2018
🚨︎ report
What did the skeleton say to his dog?

Bone appetite.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thereallove82
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Halloween Puns

Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.


Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!


Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!


For Halloween I’m going to write β€œLife” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers


This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues


β€œHalloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.


Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!


I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.


How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!


When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day


What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!


What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood


What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us


What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A β€œhollow-weenie!”


Did you hear about the wild party at the haunted house? The whole vibe was anything ghost (goes).


How do you write a book about halloween? With a ghostwriter.



I’m going to celebrate Halloween the same way I always do… by murdering a bunch of teens by the lake. Sincerely,


Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, β€œA lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?” The other monster replied, β€œBe a gentleman and roll them back to her.


The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something you’re not will lead to a sweet reward.


I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it’s Election night.


I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so I’m dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.


Why dident the skeleten go to the halloween party? Becuse he had no body to go with.


What did the bird say on Halloween? Trick or tweet!


What do Italian’s eat on Halloween? Fettucinni Afraid-o (Ha ha ha)


Why can’t the boy ghost have babies? A. Because he has a Hallo-weenie.


What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween? A. Ghoul-aid!!!


What do ghosts eat for supper? Spooketi


What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house? Hope it’s Halloween!!


What is the most important subject a witch learns in school? Spelling.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2017
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Studying for my MCAT when I came across this passage in Verbal.

I have written this book to sweep away all misunderstandings about the crafty art of punnery and to convince you that the pun is well worth celebrating.... After all, the pun is mightier than the sword, and these days you are much more likely to run into a pun than into a sword. [A pun is a witticism involving the playful use of a word in different senses, or of words which differ in meaning but sound alike.]

Scoffing at puns seems to be a conditioned reflex, and through the centuries a steady barrage of libel and slander has been aimed at the practice of punning. Nearly three hundred years ago John Dennis sneered, β€œA pun is the lowest form of wit,” a charge that has been butted and rebutted by a mighty line of pundits and punheads.

Henry Erskine, for example, has protested that if a pun is the lowest form of wit, β€œIt is, therefore, the foundation of all wit.” Oscar Levant has added a tag line: β€œA pun is the lowest form of humorβ€”when you don’t think of it first.” John Crosbie and Bob Davies have responded to Dennis with hot, cross puns: β€œ...If someone complains that punning is the lowest form of humor you can tell them that poetry is verse.”

Samuel Johnson, the eighteenth century self-appointed custodian of the English language, once thundered, β€œTo trifle with the vocabulary which is the vehicle of social intercourse is to tamper with the currency of human intelligence. He who would violate the sanctities of his mother tongue would invade the recesses of the national till without remorse... ”

Joseph Addison pronounced that the seeds of punning are in the minds of all men, and tho’ they may be subdued by reason, reflection, and good sense, they will be very apt to shoot up in the greatest genius, that which is not broken and cultivated by the rules of art.

Far from being invertebrate, the inveterate punster is a brave entertainer. He or she loves to create a three-ring circus of words: words clowning, words teetering on tightropes, words swinging from tent tops, words thrusting their head into the mouths of lions. Punnery can be highly entertaining, but it is always a risky business. The humor can fall on its face, it can lose its balance and plunge into the sawdust, or it can be decapitated by the snapping shut of jaws. While circus performers often receive laughter or applause for their efforts, punsters often draw an obligatory groan for theirs. But the fact that most people groan at, rather than laugh at, puns doesn’t mean that the punnery isn’t fu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zil2mz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2014
🚨︎ report
Cheat sheet for Dads on Halloween

What is a Vampire favorite fruit?

  • Neckterines

What kind of dogs do Vampires like best?

  • Blood hounds

How does a ghost cry?

  • Boo Hoo

What does a skeleton always say before he eats?

  • Bone Appetite

What kind of key should you always take to a haunted house?

  • Skeleton Key

Why do Vampires need mouthwash?

  • Because they have bat breath

What kinds of street do Zombies like?

  • Dead ends.

What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman?

  • Frost Bite

What did the black cat call the mouse on roller skates?

  • Meals on wheels

What does a vampire never at a restaurant?

  • A stake sandwich

What is it like to be kissed by a vampire?

  • It's a pain in the neck.

Why did the witch stand in front of the podium?

  • To give a Screech

What does a ghosts have for dessert?

  • I-Scream

What is a skeletons favorite instrument?

  • A trombone

What kind of dog does a mad scientist have?

  • A Lab

Be honest, how many did you get? What is your dad score?

EDIT: can't get spoiler tags to work...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gnolaum
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2014
🚨︎ report
Something a bit cheesy

As I stare at the cheese aisle, I'm trying to decide what looks Gouda for my Munster appetiteβ€” each cheese goating me to choose it. The truth is, I don't know Jack about cheese selection. But then I realize I Havarti made my choice. I'll go with cheddar, because it has Provolone-standing favorite of mine. Now I better stop this Brie-fore it gets too cheesy.

True storyβ€”happened today. Hardy har harlsberg.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CleverWordPlay
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2012
🚨︎ report
Dad's Christmas dinner zinger

So my family are eating Christmas dinner together a few days early, when my mum innocently asks for the stuffing. Dad turns to me, "hey mate, your mother wants stuffing!". I lost my appetite.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Draygn
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2013
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My dad after every family holiday dinner

What a great way to ruin my appetite!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mister_Kurtz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2014
🚨︎ report
I’m gonna open a dog food rating site.

Think I’ll call it Bone Appetit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Domthehuman1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2017
🚨︎ report
Everytime after every holiday meal.

"What a great way to ruin your appetite".

every. damn. time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mister_Kurtz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2013
🚨︎ report

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