I slipped on the ice today, and when I got up I had a craving for pasta,

Must've been Italian ice.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mastiff_Speed
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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What agency does the president call upon when craving a late night snack?

The Secret Room Service

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrayWolf85
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
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If you are craving fancy French bread, but live in a sketchy neighbourhood.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2019
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When you are stuck in an elevator, but really craving some Vietnamese.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2018
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What do you call the small piece of cloth that is in charge of all your cravings?

Your HankerChief.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mitfrenzy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
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On zombie cravings...

My kids and i had some fun with these on a car trip this past weekend...

What do zombie plumbers crave? Draaaaains!!!

What do zombie pilots crave? Planes... Plaaaanes!

What do zombie conductors crave? Traaaains!

What do zombie opthalmologists crave? Fraaames!

What do zombie construction workers crave? Craaanes!

What do zombie nurses crave? Paaains!

...

What do vampires crave? Blood.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/monza700
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2015
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I find myself craving vegetables dipped in batter and fried in a Japanese style.

I'm feeling tempura-mental.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfofurn
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2015
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It was a scorching day and Sean Connery was really craving a nice cold beer to quench his thirst.

but when he opened the fridge door he remembered about that open can of soda. Guess that's shandy

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fairyoathen
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2017
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I asked my dad why i crave pumpkins every Halloween

"its because you're dyslexic son"

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/akjohnston87
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
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When my friend craves seafood, he doesn’t care what anyone else wants to eat.

He has shellfish desires.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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Jamaican me crave a slice πŸ₯§
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πŸ‘€︎ u/photolove8
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2019
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What does a dog crave when it is indecisive, cold, and angry?

Hmm Brr Grr

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigapefellow
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
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I ate a clock today

It was pretty time consuming but I craved it enough to get seconds.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pax_flash
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
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My daughter was playing with my computer and she broke the R button and tried to eat it.

She craves anarchy.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coot32
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2018
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What do Zombie Plumbers crave?

Drains,,,...........Drains....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SteveHRRT
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2017
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I'm sorry, I meant "crave".

As a kid, every time I wanted a particular type of food, etc., I would loudly declare "I feel like icecream!" Dad: "You don't look like icecream!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/britazing
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2013
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There are two types of people in this world

Those who crave closure

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kartik3e
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
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Interesting breakthroughs in plant-based diets!

Researchers have discovered that when mixed with spices found in popular Hispanic dishes, ground peanuts make a great meat substitute!

It's also been found that an offshoot of the banana family, when fried, makes an awesome faux-fish sandwich!

Craving a frozen treat, but can't handle dairy? Some have found that chilled grapes and prunes can hit that sweet spot in a healthy way!

Keep experimenting with cruelty-free ideas!

TL/DR:

If you like peanut-chiladas, and getting cod from plantains, if you're not into yogurt 'cause you have lactose pains, you could make a lovely delight with some prunes and some grapes. Here's the grub that you've looked for, get that meat off your plate!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chadimus_Prime
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
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Why did the hungry snowboarder stick a hand warmer in his pants?

He was craving a hot pocket.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hexspades
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2020
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My Thanksgiving Confession

Hey guys. As I'm sure most of you know, it's currently Thanksgiving in Canada. This time of year for me has, in the past, caused a lot of issues in my life.

To give a little bit of background on me, I'm usually an extremely healthy and fit guy, as I play high-level sports and have a physically demanding job. However, for much of my life, my willpower began to crumble around this time of year.

I first started taking my diet seriously when I was about 12 years old. I had some kind of realization where like, I dunno, I started looking at how jacked these movie stars were and was all, "wow, I want to be that cool too." Judging by the bowl cut I had when I was 12, my perception of cool may have been a little skewed, but I digress.

Anyhow, it was my first Thanksgiving where everything started falling apart. One of my relative's families ended up no-showing for dinner, so we were left with a load of Thanksgiving leftovers. For the next week, every single meal or snack I had was Thanksgiving themed. Sandwich? Turkey sandwich. Breakfast? Let's dollop some cranberry sauce on that bad boy. By the next week, my BGC (blood gravy content) was probably at like 1.0%.

You'd think I'd be sick of holiday food after that. But no. I loved it.

The tradition of refrigerated Thanksgiving snacks continued throughout the rest of my teen years. Like clockwork, the numbers on the scale would significantly jump upwards in October, with Halloween candy adding an extra layer of calories on top. By the time I reached 17, my waist had begun noticeably ballooning, and I realized it was all due to Thanksgiving turkey. Sure, I had some at Christmas and sometimes at Easter, but never like that. My mother would encourage this habit, making more food each year to be stuffed into our packed refrigerator.

The movie star bod I wanted for so much at the age of 12 was slipping a way. I needed to put an end to this.

Flash forward to October 2015, age 18. I had made a vow: I never again would place such putrid poultry onto my tastebuds. And ever since that fateful week of 2014, my vow had held true.

Each Thanksgiving, I can feel that craving for chilled turkey knocking on the refrigerator door of my fragile ego. For three years, I've held strong. But when will the garrison fall? When will that soft, biting flesh of the big bird smash it's way back into my life.

But so far, I've quit cold turkey.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/M3gaC00l
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
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I wonder how they goat there.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ask-a-physicist
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2015
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Why didn't the melons get married in Las Vegas?

Because they were "cant-elope"!

Just thought of this one tonight having a late-night pregnancy craving for cantaloupe

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shit_in_2017
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2017
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Got my pregnant friend today

She was explaining to me that pregnancy causes her to do unusual things

Her: "I just do things that don't make sense. I put a knife in the fridge the other day."

Me: "You must have been craving cold cuts."

She was not amused.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SmootCriminal
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2015
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You wouldn't believe what I saw on my way home from work last night.

Okay so I get off at 4:00 and I didn't waste any time leaving the office. Shut down my computer, grabbed my keys, and I was on the road by 4:05. It had been a pretty crazy day and I was ready to get home.

As I'm driving home I notice I'm running on Empty. I probably could have made it home but I was really craving a Coca Cola so I decide to stop at the nearest gas station.

Anyways I'm filling my tank I see an old lady a few gas pumps away putting gas in her old beat up station wagon but didn't really think anything of it and just continued to enjoy my icey cold Coca Cola.

Next thing I know I see this old lady holding the gas pump nozzle spewing gas everywhere. I guess she had taken the nozzle out of the vehicle w out disengaging the automatic trigger or whatever but it went EVERYWHERE. Her car, her arms, the ground, all over the place and by the time she got that thing to stop spraying there was at least a gallon of gas everywhere.

So I immediately run over to see if she's okay and she smells like straight up gas. I gave her napkins to dry off her hands and to clean what gas was spilled on the car. She said she was okay and thanked me for my help so I leave and head home.

So now I'm a few blocks from home, driving over the last hill right before my next turn and all of a sudden, almost out of nowhere, she comes flyin past me in that same old beat up station wagon with, I shit you not, her arm CAUGHT ON FIRE. And as if that's not bad enough there are two cops right behind her in hot pursuit. So while I'm freaking out trying to pull over to the side she zooms past so fast I barely catch a glimpse of her frantically flailing her arm out the window as they all go over the hill.

At that point couldn't believe what I was seeing it was just too crazy. So I quickly get back on the road and make my way over the hill and I spot her. She's pulled over in the emergency lane. I see the same old lady being handcuffed and put in the back of the squad car.

Yeah turns out she was arrested for waiving a fire arm in public.

Β―_(ツ)_/Β―

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2015
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My Dad sent me this text out of the blue...I'm still not sure why he was watching Willy Wonka though.

"I was watching Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory and it gave me a craving for a chocolate bar so I went and bought one. This is probably why I should stop watching Breaking Bad."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vices_vipers
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2013
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What do you want for dinner?

Son: snickering I'm craving some updog

Dad: hi craving some updog, I'm dad. lol nice try nerd

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jellyberg
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2015
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The best dad jokes are the ones you laugh at more than the audience...

I didn't come up with this but its been flying around reddit for a while...

A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?' The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.

Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball.'

The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.

The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.

Father,' replied the son,I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, `If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.

The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.

Father,' said the son to this,I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?'

`A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.

I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Sven
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2013
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The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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Got dadjoked several times on the way to work

So a few nights ago my girlfriend said she was craving tuna. Today I'm bringing her a can as a joke, and in the car the dadjokes started rolling out:

Me: "I told her the surprise (tuna) was nothing romantic so don't get excited"

Dad: "Yeah. It's a little bit fishy"

Me: "Facepalm"

Dad: "I know, that joke was a little slimy wasn't it?"

Me: "This is going on reddit"

Dad: "Perhaps I should scale it back a bit"

Me: This is too much"

Dad: "I should just go back to the school (he's a teacher)"

Edit: formatting

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Agelastos
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2014
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Accidentally got myself and a store clerk.

So this morning on my way to work I stopped at a Walgreens to grab some snacks and drinks. (For those unknowing, it's a pharmacy/grocery) I recently quit smoking and found the snacking helps on cravings.

Anyhow, the clerk rings me up and says my total: "$7.11." Without even thinking it I blurt out "It's not a seven-eleven. It's a Walgreens."

Suddenly terrified that I am apparently a dad, I grabbed my stuff and left, the haunting echoes of laughter behind me.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheG-What
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2014
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Magic Powder

I went to my regular sushi restaurant this evening, I go about once a week. Upon my check out, the kind lady was joking about how I am addicted to sushi. I casually laughed and agreed. She said it is because they use a magic powder that makes me crave their sushi. I pause and tell her "I knew there was something fishy going on here"... I can't help myself, its a problem.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2014
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Hitler's Doughnut, Original joke

One day during the middle of World War II Hitler woke up craving a doughnut. He called for one of his soldiers to go retrieve him one. The soldier left before realizing Hitler never told him what kind of doughnut. Not wanting to go back and ask and be punished for taking too long the soldier got a jelly filled and went back. Upon seeing the doughnut, Hitler withdrew his pistol and shot the soldier square in the chest then called in his guards to clean up the body, and sent another soldier off to get a doughnut. Not wanting to be shot like his predecessor, the second soldier got a dozen in a variety and went back. Hitler looked over the box and again withdrew his pistol and shot the soldier. He called in a third soldier and sent him to complete the job the other two had failed. Soon enough, the third soldier had made it there and back. He timidly walked Into Hitlers room and presented him a single doughnut. Hitler looked at it and said "Finally, white powdered!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oriyagi
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2014
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Pasta Patience

My girlfriend tells her dad while he's in the middle of watching his favorite tv show, "Dad I'm craving pasta, can we go get some?" He replies "You've got to let the time pasta little." And proceeds to burst out laughing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iAreAirwick
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2013
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Dad used this on me last night

My dad was having cravings from being on a diet for his upcoming wedding.

Dad: I want some ice cream

Me: No you don't

Dad: Well, then I want a donut!

Me: No you don't

Dad: Well why I donut??

Me: Sigh

(pronounced like do not)

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/paxmylona
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2014
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My old friend's dad's goof on early 80's politics will take your heart hostage.

Once upon a time in the 80’s, the religious supreme ruler of a middle eastern country fled outside military forces seeking to strip him of his power using whatever means necessary. Fearing for his life, he was secretly smuggled into the US where he reluctantly shaved his beard and attempted to blend in.

He successfully went native and got an apartment, and soon realized he needed a job to pay for food and rent. He didn't want to do any sort of manual labor or serve others, as he craved comfortable control. He eventually became a toll booth operator, where he enjoyed sitting in his high chair, making people pay him so that he would grant them passage. Over time he grew bold and began to use his own judgment on what vehicles would pay him for his blessing to cross.

One day, two semi-tractor trailer beverage trucks were in his line, a Pepsi truck in front, and a Coke truck behind. The Pepsi truck pulled up and he said "Pepsi truck, you may pass for free." The Pepsi truck driver happily accepted, and over his CB radio told the Coke truck driver β€œThis guy just let me through for free!”. When the Coke truck pulled up, hoping to also pass for free, the toll booth dictator said "Coke truck, you will pay me 100 of your American dollars."

The Coke truck driver was livid, and said "You let that Pepsi truck pass for free! You want me to pay 100 dollars?! That’s outrageous! I am going to report this! What is your name?!" Our toll booth operator proudly replied "Ayatollah Cokemainly."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AllUpInMyRizznus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2014
🚨︎ report

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