Do you know why it's called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
What do you call an almond in a space suit?
I gave a couple of almonds to my girlfriend. I told her "I call this a Jessica."
She looked at me and asked why I called it a "Jessica".
I told her because it's two almonds.
You might even say.....
Almond Brothers.
(This literally just happened. She rolled her eyes so hard they twitched some.)
What the peanut say to the almond?
"Hey, can I cashew a question?"
I bought a package of trail mix and it only had cashews, almonds, and pistachios.
Mashed up dates, chocolate chips, peanut butter, granola, almonds....delicious homemade granola bars
I thought about going on an all almond diet
But that would be just nuts
Why did the almond close the blinds?
Because her neighbour was always pecan.
My uncle drink dialed me the other night and told me he was going on an exclusively almond diet.
I said, "That's just nuts."
I love almond milk.
It’s unlike any udder milk.
Semi drivers who haul almonds
If almonds are $1, peanuts $.50, and pistachios $1.50, how much are deer nuts?
Why did the almonds cross the busy road?
Apparently there was an almond charged with aggravated assault.
I get the police do a lot of good, but I don’t know how I feel about them busting a nut in public.
Have you ever seen how they milk an almond?
It was annoying when our local shop stopped stocking my favourite almond milk. It was even more frustrating when the tofu was removed as well.
If it carries on like this, I’m really going to start losing my Tempeh
Crying over spilt almond milk
Dad: Don’t cry over spilt almond milk son
Son: Why? (Sobbing)
Dad: Because that’s just nuts!
Did you hear about the visual artist who works with almonds?
I bet they called it almond milk because
nobody can say "nut juice" with a straight face
A friend of mine confessed that he is sexually attracted to almond trees.
I said, “Are you f*cking nuts?”
Almond milk
So my girlfriend and I are visiting her parents this weekend.
At breakfast her dad asks if we'd like almond milk with our coffee and we say yes.
He comes back and plops a gallon of 2% in front of us with this huge grin on his face, makes the sign of the cross in the air and goes "ah-mend"
There is so much this man can teach me.
When I asked my dad if he thought it was a good idea to switch my diet to one consisting mainly of almonds, cashews and macadamias...
He just shrugged and said, it’s ok, go nuts
My wife told me her new diet meant she could only eat foods made from almonds. Almond meal, almond milk, almond... everything.
When I heard this, I said, "but that's just nuts".
An almond doesn’t lactate: The FDA hasn’t been enforcing its own policy or putting the squeeze on product makers—and that it’s time to get abreast of the labeling language.
arstechnica.com/tech-poli…
My favorite brand of almonds is offering a free tank of gasoline with every purchase
Blue Diamond Fill-Ups have been a big hit
I remember my first girlfriend. She was an almond delivery girl. Sadly, it didn't work out.
For Halloween, we dressed up as almonds. Everyone thought we were nuts.
A pile of almonds is an almound...
until it's all of them, then it's the Allmond.
I returned the ground almonds I bought.
They tasted nothing like dirt.
Did you hear the conspiracy about almonds secretly controlling the world?
They're called the illuminutty.
My Dad wants him and I to start an Allman Brothers tribute band called the Almond Brothers.
"We'll be like the Allman Brothers, but we're nuts!"
Making a salad with toasted almonds
Mom: "We'd better toast the almonds now."
Dad: *raises imaginary glass* "Here's to the almonds!"
Have you ever thought about substituting almonds for deernuts?
They are much cheaper. Always under a buck.
The latest Hollywood health craze is to regularly drink a mixture of almond milk and milk of magnesia.
It's called a Blue Diamond Phillips.
The only thing that bothers me about Almond Milk:
I thought about going on an all-almond diet
I was about to go on an all-almond diet
I thought about going on an all-almond diet….
I thought about going on an all Almond diet
I was thinking of going on an all almond diet.
I went nuts when someone asked me what cashews and almonds were.
Why do the call it almond milk?
Nobody can say "nut juice" with a straight face
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