A guy says he is all right after a divorce.

Because he has nothing left.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HappyGav123
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
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Two brokers met on the sidewalk. "How's it going?" Said the one. "I'm fine," replied the other. "Well, gotta run," said the one. "Okay," said the other, "I'll see ya later." "All right. Bye."

It was a stock exchange.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2021
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My grandad used to say "If it wasn't for me, you'd all be speaking German right now" Lovely man, terribly bad foreign language teacher.

No idea why the school hired him.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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we all know that song, right?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KateHanami
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
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A little punny poem about love. We all need more love right now :)
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πŸ‘€︎ u/l17charlie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
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I was on a game show and the final question was "What do you call a 3D painting made out of plaster?" I couldn't think of the answer and I was worried I'd lose all of the money. Then I got it right!

It was a relief

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πŸ‘€︎ u/No_Gray_Area
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
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All Right Then, Keep Your Secrets.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AngkaSaWan01
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
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[Request] Right now we're all drinking Quarantinis. What will we drink when we get back together?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jacopo_tarantino
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
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Are you all right
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chickenlicken865
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2019
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Someone ran by and grabbed all of our masks right off our faces.

It was a de-mask-us steal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/beyond_hate
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
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With all that's going on, I told my dad that finishing my degree in astrophysics may not be the kind of science the world needs right now.

He looked away from the TV long enough to say, "Black holes matter."

Sigh... "Yeah, Dad. They are."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lostehmost
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
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My cousin got into a car accident and lost his entire left side, he kept saying he was all right but I didnt believe him so he just kept yelling at me.

'Stuff was completely one-sided

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Unspecified_bagel
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
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Why are football stadiums all around the world really hot right now?

All the fans are at home.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iiToaster
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
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Have you heard of the guy who lost his left side? Yeah, he's all right now.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NaziMen
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
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I went to a dinner party yesterday. The hosts are chefs and made all kinds of food, buffet style. I arrived early had some hors d'oeuvres. Then I realized I was thirsty, and I wanted to try the mixed juice drink. At this point everyone else was getting food, so I walked right up and got a cup...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bb5x24
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
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β€œDad, do all countries in Europe drive on the right?”

Dad: Yes, the Brits left.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
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πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/business_talks
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2017
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I know what your all thinking right now

*you’re

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spunkards97
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
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BREAKING NEWS: The man who wrote the hokey pokey died today, according to officials they struggled getting him into the body bag because they put his right leg in, then his right leg out, in out in out they shook it all about.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Whlightning
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
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My buddy is getting his left arm amputated tomorrow. Don't worry, he'll be all right.
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
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I'm all Right
πŸ‘︎ 796
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Botatitsbest
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2017
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Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?

They weren’t on the port side of the ship.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GotMyOrangeCrush
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
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My friend is a know it all who likes to be right always. So he has dollar bills embedded in his shoes.

He has to be on the money.

A better joke may be doable. It's left as an exercise for the reader.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
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Did you hear about the man who's whole left side got cut off? He's all right now.

<3

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πŸ‘€︎ u/charles101_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2019
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Guys, I only have one can of tuna left. But it's all right imgur.com/gallery/Mk30olk
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Myburgher
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2015
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I was taking my kids trick or treating along a dark country road, on a moonless Halloween night, when all of a sudden, a vampire swooped down from the darkness and landed right in front of us!

My daughter shrieked,"Quick dad, show him your cross!"

Without a second thought, I shouted, "YOU LEAVE US ALONE YOU BIG MEAN OLD VAMPIRE!!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2017
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Not all vehicles have equal rights.

Some make wide turns.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arcaneosis
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2019
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We all know what the dodge demon is right?

I guess you could say its.... fast as hell

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ve1ocityReign
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2018
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All right now...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wal_Narhet
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2018
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I once knew a man who had trouble with his balance because he had lost all the toes on his right foot

I guess you could say he was lack-toes intolerant.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZEPHYRight
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2019
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The state of all subs right now.
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/matt6pup
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2018
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You hear about the guy who got his entire left side cut off? He’s all right now!

Sadly there’s nothing left of him.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheManicMonocle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2018
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All this stuff about GMO's affecting farmers, but what about tractors? Do you support tractor's rights?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PyrosEnjoyPieHW2
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2016
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I was pretty mad when a bird pooped all over my Honda right after I washed it

But I guess it was only doing its Civic doody.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YoureAMuenster
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2017
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Hey man, are you all right?

No... I’m half left!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_solidwarp_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2017
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This dad joke is all right...

When I pulled in to my parents' driveway yesterday afternoon, my dad was working on his car and I heard him mutter "Goddamn it".

I asked him "Is everything all right?"

He replied "No, some things are half left."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JamesSmits
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2013
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You all know how 7 ate 9, right?

I suppose it was pretty obvious. 7 always was an odd number. Even 10 wasn’t shocked. 11 was all primed for the party, but when he factored in the whole situation, 12 split for (4) 3’s house.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rockslacasa
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2017
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β€œDad, do all European countries drive on the right?”

Dad: Yes, the Brits left.

πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2019
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Have you heard about the guy who lost his left arm and leg? It's ok, he's all right now.
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpagetthiSam
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
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Did you hear about the guy who's whole left side is cut off? Yeah don't worry he is all right now.
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ifartcookies123
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2019
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Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AF-firm
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2017
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