“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...
This is a series of dad jokes that all relate to each other and form a dad joke story so bear with me.
How do you kill a blue elephant?
(How?)
With a blue elephant gun.
How you you kill a pink elephant?
(With a pink elephant gun?)
No, you hold its trunk til it turns blue then shoot it with the blue elephant gun
Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
(No clue...?)
So they can hide in cherry trees
Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
(Of course not)
Then clearly it works
I was helping my wife carry the grocery bags inside the house. All of the sudden she gets mad at me and says to carry more stuff.
I mean I would carry more but my hands were tide.
My 6yo holds a slice of red pepper up to my face and breaks it towards me. Me: “Ugh, what did you do that for. You got me all wet.”
“That was pepper spray.”
Got me!
A truck ahead of me spilled its load of cabbage all over the highway...
Was at a dinner with a chemist when all of a sudden she became angry and starting throwing sodium chloride at me.
I'm pretty sure that's a salt.
All the names are puns but I can’t for the life of me figure out what the Duke’s name is supposed to mean
One of my students told me that all of his classmates are turning into Batman because of Covid
They are all either wearing a mask or their parents are dead.
Like a good Grandpa I share with my 12 yr old Grandson the amazement of r/dadjokes regularly. He thinks you all are totally cool. I told him there is much power here. How? He asked. Let me demonstrate... With the diahrrea song.. I'll start.
Some people think it's gross but it's really good on toast. Diahrrea...
During my first month on the road paving crew, they always gave me all the worst jobs. I endured all of it, up until they put me on paint duty...
...that's where I finally had to draw the line.
I don’t care if all of the other giants see me as a big joke for filing a restraining order on a guy I’ve got 75 feet on.
Beanstalked is a serious matter.
I slipped my fingers inside her to see if she was wet, and sure enough, she was. All of a sudden, she started going down on me.
I wish I had enough money to get a new boat.
My wife yelled at me after I ate all of our English pastries
Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
I know it's bad but leaf me alone... you're the root of all my problems.
Someone once told me they loved absolutely all kinds of bedding.
It was a real blanket statement.
My girlfriend started lying to me because of all my bad jokes.
We have always been such a happy couple and everything was fine for 3 years straight. Of course I always felt comfortable in front of her and felt like I can tell her anything. That's where I was wrong.
A few months ago I noticed that she became annoyed by my dumb jokes that were only funny to me, but that just made it even funnier to me so I continued telling all these dad jokes to her and died laughing every time.
She puts up with it because she loves me. At least I thought so.
We were always 100% honest with each other and I'm still shaken by the things she told me today.
I sent her probably one of my worst dad jokes ever (that I stole from reddit), and she just couldn't take it anymore and told me how stupid my jokes are and that she doesn't know if she'll be able to put up with it much longer.
But that's not the worst part, I actually appreciated her honesty and considered the possibility to stop with all the stupid jokes and become more serious in the relationship.
The worst part is that she lied to me for the first time in all these years. I felt like I just couldn't trust her anymore and everything I thought I knew about her as a person just became questionable. I need your advice on how to react to this huge lie...
She told me she's Sorry, but I know for a FACT that her name is Diane.
They say one in four people are homosexual, which is weird because I have three best friends, all guys. Makes me wonder which one of us would be gay.
I hope It's Paul. He's cute.
Me (at the numbers store): “Can I please purchase all of these averages?”
Clerk: “Sure, buy all means”
Admittedly a median joke, at best.
As part of my rehab my therapist has me not sitting down at all during the day and it’s both tiring and not fun
To be honest, I can barely stand it
My mate, Skippy, is a bit of a nerd. Just last night he spent 2 hours telling me about all the characters named Kang.
For instance, Kang the Conqueror is a fictional supervillain appearing in American comic books published by Marvel Comics. In 2009, Kang was ranked as IGN's 65th Greatest Comic Book Villain of All Time
or
In the Simpsons , Kang is a Rigellian from Rigel 7. He and his sister Kodos continuously try to take over Earth and are usually seen attacking Springfield.
Kang and Kodos have a lot of space weaponry at hand and have their own spaceship. They speak the Rigellian language, which, by coincidence, is identical to English. Although they look identical, Kang has a deeper voice than Kodos.
I guess you could say Skippy is a Kang Guru...
My buddy gets all the girls. I watched him work once. He approached a lady and said, "girl, you remind me of a thick, creamy beverage made from raw fruit, vegetables, and sometimes dairy products, typically pureed using a blender!"
He's such a smoothie talker.
My son asked me "How much do all of our bones weigh?"
I said "Probably a skeleton"
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked
My friend used to say this all the time when someone disagreed with an opinion of his. Not sure if it’s appropriate for this sub, but it still makes me laugh when used today.
“Well, there are two kinds of people in this world. Those who are, and those who are not, my uncle.”
Whenever I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments of my high school days come flooding back to me.
I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
My financial advisor just told me, “I’m sorry to say, but all of your assets are Frozen.”
..”Why did you buy so many DVDs of the same movie?”
As I was walking down the street, an old man came up to me and explained all the benefits of dining on meals with mint derived from sub-shrub herbs...
I thanked him for the sage advice but went on about my business.
My kid has a toy set of different biblical characters, but one started talking and now it condescendingly corrects me all the time...
...what a little Noah doll.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
Matt: Hey man, I'm so tired of people walking all over me.
Art: At least they don't leave you hanging.
Teacher: Okay class, tell me what scares you most. Let's start with Paul. Paul: Werewolves Nina: Sharks Dylan: The unstoppable march of time that us guiding us all to our inevitable demise.
My wife accused me of hating all her family and relatives.
I told her that’s ridiculous, I love your mother-in-law!
When I was young, my dad used to tear up the last page of all my comic books and never told me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
Sometimes I get tyred of normal jokes and make puns instead. They are quick, easy, and don't put you under pressure. Sometimes, they can be very flat. They can be as light as air, or as heavy as steel. All in all, puns really punp me up!
"Vote for me, and we won't have BEEF. I hope to MEAT all of your expectations, but if we don't accomplish everything, don't have a COW."
So I was scrambling some eggs this morning and if you know me, I like my eggs real scrambled. So I was going at these eggs hard, using all of my muscle to whisk these bad boys, when suddenly my arm goes numb and I passed out.
I guess you could say I “over-eggxerted” myself.
My wife accused me of hating all her relatives...
I replied, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot more than I like mine.”
I told all the members of the dictionary that I was writing a script for them and they told me they were really excited to be in a film.
I don't have the guts to break to them that it was all for a play on words.
All of these posts about the black hole just keeps sucking me in!
As a US citizen, seeing all of these trade wars occuring with our country has me tarrified.
My wife is going to be mad at me when she finds out I accidentally mislabeled all of her spices in her spice rack.
I was trying to get my wife to appreciate puns as much as me. I tried everything I could come up with and she didn't even crack a smile! So I googled the top 10 puns of all time. I read every single one to her trying to get her to laugh
My boyfriend revealed the source of his recent dad joke spree he's been telling me all week...
My dad told me that back in the day, Jesus had a habit of leaving doors open all the time.
It’s like he was born in a barn or something.
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