I wrote down all of the things my wife wants me to buy from the produce section at the grocery store...
My dad wanted to see me as nothing but a let down, but with all of my accomplishments
I asked all the countries in the world if they wanted to throw a party. All of them told me they can't because of covid.
Only one was like "Yemen"
I thought out of all these puns that at least one out of ten would make me laugh..
“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...
I'm here is Scotland and quarantine has me feeling all out of sorts...
And there is nothing worse for a Scot than being off kilter.
This is a series of dad jokes that all relate to each other and form a dad joke story so bear with me.
How do you kill a blue elephant?
(How?)
With a blue elephant gun.
How you you kill a pink elephant?
(With a pink elephant gun?)
No, you hold its trunk til it turns blue then shoot it with the blue elephant gun
Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
(No clue...?)
So they can hide in cherry trees
Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
(Of course not)
Then clearly it works
Was at a dinner with a chemist when all of a sudden she became angry and starting throwing sodium chloride at me.
I'm pretty sure that's a salt.
A truck ahead of me spilled its load of cabbage all over the highway...
Like a good Grandpa I share with my 12 yr old Grandson the amazement of r/dadjokes regularly. He thinks you all are totally cool. I told him there is much power here. How? He asked. Let me demonstrate... With the diahrrea song.. I'll start.
Some people think it's gross but it's really good on toast. Diahrrea...
I was helping my wife carry the grocery bags inside the house. All of the sudden she gets mad at me and says to carry more stuff.
I mean I would carry more but my hands were tide.
My 6yo holds a slice of red pepper up to my face and breaks it towards me. Me: “Ugh, what did you do that for. You got me all wet.”
“That was pepper spray.”
Got me!
One of my students told me that all of his classmates are turning into Batman because of Covid
They are all either wearing a mask or their parents are dead.
During my first month on the road paving crew, they always gave me all the worst jobs. I endured all of it, up until they put me on paint duty...
...that's where I finally had to draw the line.
I don’t care if all of the other giants see me as a big joke for filing a restraining order on a guy I’ve got 75 feet on.
Beanstalked is a serious matter.
My girlfriend started lying to me because of all my bad jokes.
We have always been such a happy couple and everything was fine for 3 years straight. Of course I always felt comfortable in front of her and felt like I can tell her anything. That's where I was wrong.
A few months ago I noticed that she became annoyed by my dumb jokes that were only funny to me, but that just made it even funnier to me so I continued telling all these dad jokes to her and died laughing every time.
She puts up with it because she loves me. At least I thought so.
We were always 100% honest with each other and I'm still shaken by the things she told me today.
I sent her probably one of my worst dad jokes ever (that I stole from reddit), and she just couldn't take it anymore and told me how stupid my jokes are and that she doesn't know if she'll be able to put up with it much longer.
But that's not the worst part, I actually appreciated her honesty and considered the possibility to stop with all the stupid jokes and become more serious in the relationship.
The worst part is that she lied to me for the first time in all these years. I felt like I just couldn't trust her anymore and everything I thought I knew about her as a person just became questionable. I need your advice on how to react to this huge lie...
She told me she's Sorry, but I know for a FACT that her name is Diane.
They say one in four people are homosexual, which is weird because I have three best friends, all guys. Makes me wonder which one of us would be gay.
I hope It's Paul. He's cute.
My wife yelled at me after I ate all of our English pastries
Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
I know it's bad but leaf me alone... you're the root of all my problems.
Someone once told me they loved absolutely all kinds of bedding.
It was a real blanket statement.
Me (at the numbers store): “Can I please purchase all of these averages?”
Clerk: “Sure, buy all means”
Admittedly a median joke, at best.
As part of my rehab my therapist has me not sitting down at all during the day and it’s both tiring and not fun
To be honest, I can barely stand it
My mate, Skippy, is a bit of a nerd. Just last night he spent 2 hours telling me about all the characters named Kang.
For instance, Kang the Conqueror is a fictional supervillain appearing in American comic books published by Marvel Comics. In 2009, Kang was ranked as IGN's 65th Greatest Comic Book Villain of All Time
or
In the Simpsons , Kang is a Rigellian from Rigel 7. He and his sister Kodos continuously try to take over Earth and are usually seen attacking Springfield.
Kang and Kodos have a lot of space weaponry at hand and have their own spaceship. They speak the Rigellian language, which, by coincidence, is identical to English. Although they look identical, Kang has a deeper voice than Kodos.
I guess you could say Skippy is a Kang Guru...
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked
My son asked me "How much do all of our bones weigh?"
I said "Probably a skeleton"
My buddy gets all the girls. I watched him work once. He approached a lady and said, "girl, you remind me of a thick, creamy beverage made from raw fruit, vegetables, and sometimes dairy products, typically pureed using a blender!"
He's such a smoothie talker.
Whenever I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments of my high school days come flooding back to me.
I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
My friend used to say this all the time when someone disagreed with an opinion of his. Not sure if it’s appropriate for this sub, but it still makes me laugh when used today.
“Well, there are two kinds of people in this world. Those who are, and those who are not, my uncle.”
My financial advisor just told me, “I’m sorry to say, but all of your assets are Frozen.”
..”Why did you buy so many DVDs of the same movie?”
As I was walking down the street, an old man came up to me and explained all the benefits of dining on meals with mint derived from sub-shrub herbs...
I thanked him for the sage advice but went on about my business.
My kid has a toy set of different biblical characters, but one started talking and now it condescendingly corrects me all the time...
...what a little Noah doll.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
When I was young, my dad used to tear up the last page of all my comic books and never told me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
Sometimes I get tyred of normal jokes and make puns instead. They are quick, easy, and don't put you under pressure. Sometimes, they can be very flat. They can be as light as air, or as heavy as steel. All in all, puns really punp me up!
Matt: Hey man, I'm so tired of people walking all over me.
Art: At least they don't leave you hanging.
My wife accused me of hating all her family and relatives.
I told her that’s ridiculous, I love your mother-in-law!
"Vote for me, and we won't have BEEF. I hope to MEAT all of your expectations, but if we don't accomplish everything, don't have a COW."
Teacher: Okay class, tell me what scares you most. Let's start with Paul. Paul: Werewolves Nina: Sharks Dylan: The unstoppable march of time that us guiding us all to our inevitable demise.
So I was scrambling some eggs this morning and if you know me, I like my eggs real scrambled. So I was going at these eggs hard, using all of my muscle to whisk these bad boys, when suddenly my arm goes numb and I passed out.
I guess you could say I “over-eggxerted” myself.
My wife accused me of hating all her relatives...
I replied, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot more than I like mine.”
As a US citizen, seeing all of these trade wars occuring with our country has me tarrified.
I told all the members of the dictionary that I was writing a script for them and they told me they were really excited to be in a film.
I don't have the guts to break to them that it was all for a play on words.
My boyfriend revealed the source of his recent dad joke spree he's been telling me all week...
All of these posts about the black hole just keeps sucking me in!
My wife is going to be mad at me when she finds out I accidentally mislabeled all of her spices in her spice rack.
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
