Dead Oar Alive, You're Coming With Me
What did the shoe say when he was the last one left alive?
“I guess I’m the sole survivor”
THERE ISN'T A SINGLE PERSON ALIVE TODAY WHO IS
I made a joke about the song Staying Alive and how it sounds like women singing. Apparently many of you didn’t like it.
Hereby my sincere apolobeegies!
If Ben Franklin were still alive today, what would he be best known for?
After WWII some of Hitler’s extended family was still alive. How many Hitlers could still be alive today?
I’m not certain, but I believe there are Führer than there used to be!
*while my dad and I drive past a cemetery*
Dad: "Did you know that the people who live in this town aren't allowed to be buried in that cemetery?"
Me: "Oh, why?"
Dad: "Cuz they're still alive."
Houdini was a really great man when he was alive.
But after he died, he was just an average cadaver.
How many disappointed dads does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How would I know? You’ve made me the proudest dad alive.
Did you know that, while alive, Mozart composed symphonies in almost every major key?
Sadly, in death, he was relegated only to D-composition.
My friend was telling me the other day that their nan's mum is still alive. She asked me "Do you have a great grandmother?"
I said "Eh, she's alright I guess."
Did you hear about the guy that was burried alive?
If you had your choice of having lunch with anyone ever, dead or alive who would you pick?
I would pick someone alive.
My new year's resolution is to stay alive
I want to get myself in the guinness world records for the oldest man alive, but it's taking me a long time
do you think Alexander would be an antivaxer is he were alive today?
i don’t think he would. after all, he’s not throwing away his shot.
Dead Oar Alive, You're Coming With Me
My brother thinks he's the smartest person alive. He thinks onions are the only foods that can make you cry.
So I threw a coconut at him.
Kim Jong Un isn’t alive...
They’re using Kim Jong Deux
The Supreme Leader of North Korea has not died, he is alive.
His New Name is Kim Jong-Undead
This morning I asked my wife like a reporter, "The world wants to know, what it's like being married to the funniest man alive?"
She said, "Meh."
So I immediately said, "You heard it here, folks, it's a meh zing."
I hope I’m alive in 48 years...
So I can ask on 2/4/68 who do we appreciate??
John Travolta tested negative for coronavirus last night
Turns out it was just saturday night fever
(Taking advantage of a very narrow humour window!)
Wow, I lived during the time Bill Gates was alive
I can't wait to tell that to people a thousand years from now!
I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."
Our first single is "Bread or Alive."
Doctors told John Travolta to quarantine because he might have Covid-19.
Turns out he just had Saturday Night Fever.
The Grape Depression by Berried Alive
The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it 🤠
This guy is getting berried alive
I bet a butcher $20 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf...
He said "Sorry man. The steaks are too high."
The ice age would be the coolest time to be alive.
I‘m afraid of being eaten alive.
If you want to eat me, you’ll have to do it over my cold, dead body.
What is the number one cause of divorce in America?
I went to the library looking for a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrödinger’s cat
The librarian said it rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.
My dad was buried alive...
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
If Jesus were alive and on Twitter...
He’d probably have a lot of followers.
A witch is about to boil me alive.
The other day I was on the dock talking to two of my neighbors… One of them had a cooler full of beers and snacks… Pulling out a beer pops the top and opening a bag of chips, he says “My wife’s an angel
I said, “you’re lucky – mine is still alive…”
Did you know that vultures will only eat animals that are not alive and not silly?
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