Alerter Puns

Don't leave milk out of the fridge for too long in warm weather.

R, I, and the seven c’s

https://imgur.com/0oRfgob

Then I noticed it only measures comrads.

My friends making a movie about car accessories.

Spoiler alert.

"No matter how far you throw an envelope, it will still be stationary"

The world needs more lerts

i was at a wedding and one persons suit was marvel characters and my dad says "well that's just marvelous"

I forgot to put the milk back in the fridge for days.

Hannibal at the gates

I couldn't help but think that the final confrontation between Thanos and Tony Stark would be the ultimate dad joke in the universe. Might not sound like much, but this is how that scene played out in my head.

Thanos (about to snap, after the scuffle with Tony) : I am... inevitable.

Tony : Hi inevitable, I'm Iron Man.

Spoiler Alert.

Did you hear the one about the number theorist who was arrested? They say he was guilty on all counts.

I’m walking into publix and a guy offers me the empty cart he was using and says “left some gas in it for you” - credit : a guy on Twitter

Did you hear about the guy who was deaf? Well, neither did he.

That's what trying to consume old Derry products will do to you.

and why won’t she stop alerting

Fall

Would he be the Wolf who cried Boy?

There's a new virus on twitter. It's called "chirpies"..It's a canarial disease, but thankfully it's tweetable.

ICBM

Spoiler alert

Right at the end of the first chase scene where Paul Walker is running on top of the bus and Michelle Rodriguez spins her car around for him to grab the rear, I turned and said (quietly):

"They showed that in the trailers, talk about your.....spoilers."

Their crust is Faulty

http://www.tuaw.com/2014/03/14/a-nice-sterile-eye-pad/?ncid=rss_truncated

this happened a few years ago. It's about my dad and something my dad would have laughed hard at.

phone rings I pick up

me: Hello

TeleMarketer: Hello is Mr ThrashandBurn's Dad available?

Me: ahhhh no he isn't

TM: do you know a better way to reach him?

with out hesitation

ME: Not unless you got a shovel.

I could hear him holding back his laugh wile trying to give his condolences.

Your country needs Lerts.

(cue my Dad's uproarious chucking)

The milk's actually a week old

But the rest of the jacuzzi belongs to my mother.

He HEARD an AMBER alert!!

Which led to an air quality alert of "jasmine".

I bought a 2004 VW Beetle Turbo a few months ago. While driving down the road, I heard a sort of mechanical shifting sound whenever I went over 45 MPH. I didn't think anything of it at first, but it continued every single time. I finally turned to Google to make sure my car wasn't broken. Found out that the Turbo models have a hidden spoiler at the top of the rear windshield that pops out at high speeds.

Relaying the story to my friend later, I told her, "I guess the dealership should have given me a....spoiler alert."

Spoiler alert.

It's either pictures of birds or things like these:

"Did you hear about the hipster who burnt his tongue? He ate pizza way before it was cool!"

"I heard they found that girl Amber who was missing." (There was an Amber alert in MD that day)

"Know what happens when you take "the" out of psychotherapist."

"If life gives you melons, You might be dyslexic."

"Six more weeks of winter isn't so bad when you consider the official first day of spring is seven weeks away."

"At first, I hated the speed bump they put in my front street... But I'm slowly getting over it."

"Why is it impossible for a horse to major in philosophy? You can't put DeCartes before the horse!"

"Why did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank gourmet coffee before it was cool."

"Q. How many Surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Fish"

"I was going to take all of my old watches and hook them together to make a belt... But then I realized that would be a waist of time."

"Why all the fuss about the Redskins changing their name.

Just change the mascot to a Potato.

Then it's not only un-offensive but delicious."

"I think the NSA is spying on me. They're leavesdropping in my yard."

Bonus picture status

The alert went out saying there was a small medium at large

Spoiler Alert.

He's a fast-paced Jazz Big Band director. When a section is lost, he ALWAYS says this line, "Be alert. [dramatic pause] The world needs more lerts."

So a meth dealer is trying to expand his territory into a local school back in the late 90's. He's having a really hard time until he hits on a marketing phrase: "Meth is illin'!" For some reason, that closes every sale he tries to make at the school. It starts with the students, but then he gets some of the faculty as customers and he has one dealing the stuff. For some reason, every single time, when he says "meth is illin'!" he closes the deal. Even the administrators can't seem to resist his catchphrase.

But then his contact on the faculty alerts him to a problem -- the janitor is going to figure out what's going on, and he's going to shut everything down. The teacher is scared of the guy, but our dealer has gained so much confidence in himself that he cannot worry. He waits for the janitor on his morning route.

"Hey man, don't you know? Meth is i-"

But before he can even finish the sentence, the janitor has sprayed floor cleaner in his eyes, hit him in the gut with his mop, and crammed him in a trash can. The dealer is arrested and immediately convicted.

TL; DR: Do not fuck with "meth is illin'!" resistant staff.

Spoiler alert! https://flic.kr/p/HpUYVP

...you'd be issuing a Ham: Brrrr Alert.

The other day at work our usual wine delivery guy came in, so I alerted my manager.

Me: The wine delivery is here.

Him: Sweet.

Me (pretending to inspect the wine) : Actually, I think it's a white.

We had just finished reading True Grit, where (spoiler alert!!!) the protagonist loses her arm. She fell down a hole, broke it, and got bitten by a rattlesnake, so it couldn't be saved and had to be amputated.

I said that the doctor deserved a hand for being able to save her life despite the injuries, and one of my students asked if I plan these jokes ahead of time. "Nope," I replied, "they're off the cuff!"

Radio: Attention, an Amber Alert has been issued for the area of ______. Blah blah blah

Dad: That Amber, she's always getting lost. I mean, they had to make a whole alert system for her!

This was always one of my dad's favorites to tell us.

A long time ago, there was a beehive in the middle of a forest. Every day, as worker bees do, they would go out into their fields, gather pollen from the flowers, and bring it back to make honey.

The bees had a problem, though, because every so often an intruder would come around, such as a bear who wanted the honey, or kids who thought it'd be fun to throw rocks at the hive. Finally, the bees got tired of it.

Being the intelligent bees that they are, they built an alarm system for the hive. They built it such that one bee pulls a lever, which triggers the alarm that the bees will hear from the fields, and then the bees can come back to protect their home.

There was one bee who was exclusively assigned that job, and he was aptly named the "Lever Bee." His job was to watch for potential adversaries, and pull the lever to raise the alarm.

Now clearly, the safety of the hive depends on this one Lever Bee. So it stands to reason that he has to be constantly ready and on the alert so that he can do his job.

And that, friends, is why people say, "I'm as ready as a Lever Bee."

passing an "Alert sign"

Unlce: "Alert: we need more alert signs."

Girlfriend laughed so hard she couldn't breathe and had tears.

Leaving your milk in the refrigerator for too long.

The world needs more lerts

...the world needs more Lerts.

The milk is sour.