Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.
Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.
Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.
The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.
Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.
Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.
One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.
Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.
“Well” said Jeff, “As I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.
The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.
“Yes of course” replied Trevor
... keep reading on reddit ➡An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.
The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result.
He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home.
When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,
"So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."
My dad was having a hard time deciding if he should let his new mattress pad air out before putting it on his bed. I said "Well, why don't you sleep on it?".
Here's a joke my dad told me. Sorry if you've heard it, but I found it hilarious, and I think you might enjoy it.
In a small town in the suburbs, there was a small family of balloons. There was a mummy balloon, a daddy balloon, and a small child balloon. Every night the boy would sleep between his parents, but his father had had enough.
"son, I know you love sleeping between us, but you're getting a bit too old for it., " the father said. "You're nearly 8, you're a big boy, and your mother and I think you should sleep in your own bed from now on. You can stay tonight but starting tomorrow we want you in your own bed. Do you understand?"
"Yeah dad, I understand..." the boy said with a maudlin tinge to his voice.
"okay son, I love you."
"love you too dad"
The next night the boy tried sleeping in his own bed, but there was a storm outside. It was a dark, ominous storm - the kind of storm that sounds like a cataclysm for the end of the world.
The boy was scared, so he went to sleep in his parents room. However when he tried to squeeze between them, he found he didn't fit. He felt defeated. He felt scared. He felt alone.
But then an idea struck him. He decided he'd just let a little bit of air out of his father. He tried to squeeze in again, but had no such luck. So he let a little bit of air out of his mother. He tried again. Still no luck. Finally, he decided to let some air out of himself. Success! He squeezed in tightly and drifted off to sleep.
The next morning his parents were furious. His father was feeling particularly angry, and screamed at his son.
"son, I told you not to sleep in our room. I told you to sleep in your own bed! Didn't I say that Hun?"
"yes dear," the mother said, feeling slightly deflated.
"so son, what do you have to say for yourself?" the father asked in anger.
"it was dark and stormy and..." the boy tried to spit out.
"I don't care son!" the father interrupted. "you can't keep doing this! I'm very disappointed. You've let me down, you've let me down, but worst of all..."
…but as he grows older and bigger, Daddy Balloon insists he sleeps in his own bed.
Baby Balloon doesn't like being all alone, he misses his Mommy and Daddy so much, that after a few nights, he tries to sneak back into Mommy Balloon and Daddy Balloon's bed, only to find that he had grown too big to fit in the bed with them!
He decides to let some air out of Mommy Balloon, but there's still not enough room, so he let's some air out of Daddy Balloon, but again there's not enough room, so he lets some air out of himself and finally he fits into the bed!
Well, the following morning Daddy Balloon is furious!
"I am very disappointed with you!" says Daddy Balloon. "Not only have you let your Mother down, but you have let me down and let yourself down!"
Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.
Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":
- Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
- It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
- What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
- Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
- Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
- Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
- If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
- Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
- Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
- American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
- The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
- Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
- Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
- Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
- Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
- Rittal me this, Batman!
- Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
- Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
- If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
- When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
- You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
- Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
- Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
- Don't think Seton is
It started off pretty innocently. I was at work doing work stuff (I'm an apprentice boilermaker if you want to know) and came up with this...
Q. How did the bacon get to hospital? A. In the HAMbulance.
Kinda just snowballed from there...
Q. How did the sheep get to hospital? A. In the RAMbulance.
Q. How did the oyster get to hospital? A. In the CLAMbulance.
Q. How did the marmalade get to the hospital? A. In the JAMbulance.
I decided to post my hilarity on Facebook, and my brother in law dropped this one:
Q. How did the martial artist get to hospital? A. In the JEANCLAUDEVANDAMMEbulance.
And my sister chimed in too:
Q. How did the Beaver get to hospital? A. In the DAMbulance.
The next thing I knew, it just wouldn't stop...THEY JUST KEPT COMING OUT OF MY BRAIN!
Q. How did the sweet potato get to hospital? A. In the YAMbulance.
Q. How did the Indian get to hospital? A. In the PAPADAMbulance.
Q. How did the other Indian get to hospital? A. In the WIGWAMbulance.
Q. How did the insomniac get to hospital? A. In the DIAZAPAMbulance.
Q. How did the baby get to hospital? A. In the PRAMbulance.
Q. How did The Flash get to hospital? A. In the SHAZAMbulance.
I went to bed around 8.30pm. NO SLEEP FOR ME, MORE DAD JOKES TO THINK ABOUT!
Q. How did Sean Penn get to the hospital? A. In the IAMSAMbulance.
Q. How did Dr Suess get to the hospital? A. In the SAMIAMbulance.
Q. How did the exhibitionist get to hospital? A. In the WEBCAMbulance.
Q. How did the 80's pop stars get to hospital? A. In the WHAMbulance.
Q. How did the air hostess get to hospital? A. In the PAN-AMbulance.
Q. How did the POW get to hospital? A. In the VIETNAMbulance.
I'm pretty much spent at this point, but thought I would share with you guys. Maybe you've got more of your own to add?
I dad joked my wife last night with the help of our 3mo old daughter.
It was time for Marlene (my 3mo old daughter) to get in to her PJs and get ready for bed. I scooped her up and flew her through the air (making rocket noises of course) and headed upstairs to change her diaper and get her in to her PJs. As I was flying her away from my wife. I said in my "Marlene Voice" (which actually sounds like Cartman),
>"Maam... When I come back, I'm going to be a changed woman!"
So I went and changed her diaper and got her in to her PJs which is a royal purple footed PJ outfit, and flew her back downstairs. When I got back downstairs I said, again in my Marlene voice,
>"Maam! I'm a changed woman! Changed in to a grape! Just don't make me angry!"
And my wife asked, >"Why shouldn't I make you angry?"
To which I replied as Marlene, >"Because then you will have to face my wrath!"
Dad: "Time for bed, kids"
Kids: "Throw us in bed! Throw us in bed!"
(Dad picks a kid up in his arms)
Dad: "Did I ever tell you about the three men in the book of Daniel who were thrown into the fiery furnace?"
Kids: "No!"
Dad: "Their names were... Shadrach... Meshach... and ToBedYouGo!
(tosses squealing kid through the air, onto the bed)
I rolled over on the bed and laid my head down during the Grammys tonight. Following conversation ensued- Boyfriend- hey! Watch the Grammys!
Me- why? Stevie wonder isn't even watching and he's on stage!
Boyfriend- snorts air audibly and rolls eyes.
Success.
I was tired and lying in bed, trying to get some motivation to go to the gym when I thought of a great idea to dadjoke the girlfriend
"Hey babe, can you blow on me?"
"Huh? What?"
"Yeah, just blow on me. Twice please."
She gives me a wtf is going look, but humors me anyway and blows some air on my palm
"One more time please"
Suspiciously blows on my palm again
"...Damn, thought that would have worked. Still waiting to catch my 2nd wind!"
So I was sleeping on a air mattress on a hand made bed made out of wood. (Camping with hunting buddies) When I woke the air mattress has deflated. Dad: Good morning how did you sleep? Me: I feel like I slept on wood all night. Dad: I did to then I rolled over. Every one in the cabin moans except for one chuckle
