According to ancient Japanese lore, your aura takes a particular colour when you die.
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︎ Feb 05 2021
According to my sewing instructor, I'm easily the worst student she's ever had.
Oops... sorry, wrong thread !
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︎ Feb 08 2021
According to a recent study, itβs really hard for women to work for the Postal Service.
Itβs a mail dominated industry.
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︎ Jan 15 2021
A pirate walk into a bar
The bartender comes to him and says 'you look different now, is anything wrong'
Pirate: 'Oh nothing'
'What about your leg, where did it go'
'I boarded a ship, slipped and it got eaten by a shark'
'What about the hook, where did the hand go'
'I lost it in a heated swordfight'
'Then how did you get the eyepatch'
'I was cleaning the deck and a bird pooped in it'
'That doesn't make any sense, how can you get an eyepatch from a bird pooping in your eye'
'It was my first day with the hook'
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︎ Feb 22 2021
I identify as a man, my birth certificate says Iβm a man, everybody I know says Iβm a man...
and yet according to Kraft Dinner, Iβm a 4-person family
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︎ Feb 28 2021
According to a recent survey...
According to a recent survey, 8 out of 10 people agree that they make up 80% of the population.
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︎ Jan 06 2021
According to my chocolate advent calender....
There is only 3 days till Xmas.
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︎ Dec 05 2020
According to chemistry...
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︎ Oct 20 2020
According to official NASA documents they have Aliens on the ISS.
They also have Alien, Alien 3 and Alien Resurrection - all on DVD.
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︎ Sep 02 2020
I was pulled over by the police. The officer said "According to your license you should be wearing glasses when you drive"
I said no, it's okay I have Contacts
He said "I don't give a damn who you think you know"
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︎ Jul 17 2020
According to the new rules this year, NFL players are no longer allowed to have a chicken as a pet.
Itβs considered to be a personal fowl.
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︎ Sep 11 2020
What car did Jesus drive in the bible?
An Accord,
βFor I did not speak of my own Accord.β John 12:49
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︎ Apr 02 2021
A girl invited me to have sex on her Honda Civic
But i like to have sex on my own Accord
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︎ Feb 17 2021
The mods have a new way of improving the jokes we submit. They now add smell to all the jokes and rate them according to their odour. One mod adds some floral funniness, another tweaks them with sweet smile appeal and a third makes sure they contain a few obnoxious puns.
From now on no joke will be published without their scents of humour.
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︎ Jul 14 2020
According to a recent study, 9 out of 10 people who are afraid of hurdles....
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︎ Jun 23 2020
According to Freud, what comes between fear and sex?
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︎ Jan 28 2020
According to a survey, the favourite film of most hipsters is βRaiders of the Lost Arkβ.
Itβs the first Indie movie.
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︎ May 03 2020
I have decided to buy a new Honda directly from Japan and pay all the tariffs.
It will be my Civic duty.
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︎ Oct 09 2020
Dogs can not contract coronavirus and do not have to quarantined anymore according to the world health organization
To clarify, WHO let the dogs out
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︎ Apr 19 2020
Son: Dad, according to the manual, itβs not a good idea to have the volume of your phone turned up to the maximum.
Dad: Thatβs sound advice.
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︎ Jul 14 2018
According to statistics,
people who are mean tend to be average.
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︎ Dec 22 2019
My wife has this weird case of OCD where she organizes the dinner plates according to the year we bought them.
Itβs an extremely rare dish order.
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︎ Jun 04 2018
Rats are underrated...
...according to the dictionary.
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︎ Dec 28 2020
BREAKING NEWS: The man who wrote the hokey pokey died today, according to officials they struggled getting him into the body bag because they put his right leg in, then his right leg out, in out in out they shook it all about.
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︎ Nov 18 2019
According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
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︎ Aug 05 2019
There's a gang of shoplifters going across town systematically stealing clothes according to size.
Police say they're still at Large
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︎ Aug 15 2019
I met a bipolar fortune teller yesterday...
She says she either feels very manic, or quite depressed - never a happy medium.
(According to my facebook memories, I made this one up 7 years ago!)
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︎ Dec 07 2020
I think this one speaks for itself
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︎ Aug 14 2018
This is a very hard joke according to my 5 year old son: What do a pineapples say when they're reading in the bed?
I forgot to brush my teeth...
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︎ Jun 20 2019
I tried to cook according to a recipe but the food was bland
I should have taken it with a grain of salt
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︎ Jun 11 2019
My girlfriend brought up a YouTuber therapist named Dr. Honda...
What follows is a transcription of our conversation
Me: I hope he helps his patients find Accord in their lives
Her: Well therapy is only one Element to success
Me: He's just doing his Civic duty
Her: He gives them Clarity and Insight
Me: On their Odyssey through life
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︎ Dec 03 2020
In 1935, an American went out on a quest to discover the Loch Ness monsters. He found that according to legend, there were at least 10 in existence. Instead of trying Scotland, he believed the US might have these lake monsters. In which state did he begin his quest?
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︎ May 06 2019
According to a survey, 80% of the people don't know how to use the superlative degree in English.
That's the most stupidest thing that I've ever heard.
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︎ Jan 03 2019
According to my dad, i should have been an astronaut.
He always said i took up space in school.
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︎ Mar 11 2019
Tomatoes are fruits according to wikipedia...
That makes ketchup a smoothie!
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︎ Dec 01 2018
According to USA Today, people have become less accepting of LGBTQ+ Americans since the election.
They arenβt having a gay old time anymore.
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︎ Feb 18 2019
According to a survey 40% of the people are terrible at math.
The other 50% don't know grammer and speling.
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︎ Jan 22 2019
According to a new report, adverse side effects from Botox injections occurred in a large number of people last year
None of them seemed surprised
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︎ Nov 25 2018
According to my wife's pregnancy app, our unborn child is the size of an ear of corn.
"A-maize-ing!" I exclaimed.
I was asked to stop laughing because I was "causing a scene."
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︎ Sep 02 2017
Best and worst death ? /!\ dark humor
« What is the best death according to you ?
-
I think the best way to go is to die like my grandfather... he fell asleep and never woke up.
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Dying in your sleep is indeed said to be the best way to go. So what do you consider the worst way to die ?
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Like my grandfatherβs friends.
-Why ? How did they die ?
-They were in the car when Grandpa fell asleep.Β Β»
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︎ Nov 10 2020
I don't have any kids. According to my nephew, this disqualifies me from telling dad jokes. But he's always preaching that my diet is too high in carbohydrates, so my eating habits really irritate him and get under his skin.
I guess this makes me his carbuncle.
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︎ Sep 20 2017
Uranus smells like rotten eggs, according to scientists.
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︎ Apr 26 2018
According to ancient Japanese lore, the colour of a personβs aura changes when they die.
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︎ Oct 31 2020
According to my chocolate advent calendar...
....there's only 3 days left till Xmas
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︎ Nov 09 2020
According to ancient Japanese lore, the colour of a personβs aura changes to cyan before they die.
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︎ Dec 17 2019
According to ancient Japanese lore, the colour of a personβs aura changes to cyan before they die.
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︎ Jun 01 2020
According to a recent study, 9 out of 10 people who are afraid of hurdles
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︎ Sep 12 2017
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