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π€︎ u/kanamuna24
π︎ Oct 31 2020
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Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

A gallon of water. Butane is lighter fluid.

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π€︎ u/Rathabro
π︎ Dec 15 2019
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What kind of dog lives in a particle accelerator?

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π︎ Oct 30 2019
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You know youβve made a terrible joke when you make the math teacher completely lose it.

Teacher: βIf acceleration is constant, we get all these really nice formulas. If acceleration is not constant, the math gets messy.β

Me: βYou might say that for ruining the math, itβs being a jerk.β

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π€︎ u/Bobby-Bobson
π︎ Jun 26 2020
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he is **accelerating** on the right way
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π€︎ u/AliFurkanY
π︎ Sep 11 2018
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Herbal essentials

Noted researcher Rosemary Fuller was involved in a lab accident today. She's working on the theory that herb-based formulas can actually reverse or accelerate the aging process. Parsley, for example, has been shown to cause rapid aging, and recent efforts have shown good results with oregano-based anti-aging serums. Ms Fuller was, unfortunately, standing near a vat of simmering oregano serum when a nearby researcher nudged her and she fell in! It appeared at first that the anti-aging serum would cause her to de-age down to nothing. Now, though, it looks like she'll be all right. The Parsley's aged Rosemary in time.

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π€︎ u/berenaltorin
π︎ Oct 13 2020
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What bird accelerates the fastest?

The torquey π

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π€︎ u/thomhplatt
π︎ Apr 26 2018
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Why do blind people hate skydiving?

It scares the hell out of their dogs.

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π€︎ u/singh-avi
π︎ May 30 2019
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevorβs love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevorsβs degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevorβs front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasnβt keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

βWellβ said Jeff, βAs Iβm sure you know the convention comes to town laterβ.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

βYes of courseβ replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit β‘

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π€︎ u/ShredderSte
π︎ Aug 07 2020
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What happens to the car if you press the brake and the accelerator at the same time?

It takes a screenshot

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π€︎ u/ihasanali
π︎ Sep 30 2018
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What happens when you press the accelerator and stop pedal at the same time in a car?

It takes a screen shot.

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π€︎ u/Redditbrowser_01
π︎ Jan 01 2019
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Tried starting my car this morning but it just coughed and spluttered..

I think itβs got car owner virus

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π€︎ u/sardonicuis
π︎ May 01 2020
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If a priest is travelling at the speed of light...

does he still have mass?

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π︎ May 20 2019
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Did you hear the flat earther joke?

Didn't think so, it isn't really going round.

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π€︎ u/itsokaytofeelgood
π︎ Jul 25 2018
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What do you do if your friends are jerks?

You integrate them

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π€︎ u/verygroot1
π︎ Jun 02 2019
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Why was the particle physicist still hungry after the Italian full-course meal?

Instead of antipasto, they served antipasta.

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π€︎ u/thefizzynator
π︎ Jan 03 2018
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Why did they build the Hadron Collider in Switzerland?

They needed to keep the atoms neutral

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π€︎ u/Youngblood519
π︎ Mar 24 2018
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The man who saved Reddit

In the not too distant future, web censorship is pervasive; speech and freedom are strangers to one another; while pirates sail the seas with impunity, digital pirates are incarcerated by the busload.

Anyone who speaks out against this ban on open-dialogue or the free-sharing-of-ideas is ground down and hidden away, and the resistance is loosing its will.

A small group of contributors to reddit, huddled together in a bunker beneath barely-waving flags of Snoo, worked tirelessly to repost new ideas from around the internet, to release ideas from their chains, and make speech free ... again!

But it was not to be - a gang of the governments anti-piracy enforcers descended on this, the last bastion of humankind's will to share-freely. Arriving in an armored bus, ten shock-troopers breached the bunker and it looked like the day was lost.

Fortunately for us all, one brave redditor led the collective out a back entrance and they circled to the driveway. This leader told the other redditors to wait in the bushes while he overpowered the one soldier left guarding the transport. There was a flash of movement, a crack from a fallen branch as it struck the guard, and then, stolen keys in hand, the hero revved the engine and told the redditors to pile in.

He had to will himself ignore the gas gauge as he floored the accelerator on the 25,000 pound ticket to freedom - there was only survival or defeat, and nothing in between. Sirens came alive behind him as he rushed for the border to the promised land, to the Free-North.

As the engine begins to cough, the titanic weight of the transport cleaves the barricades asunder and the pursuing vehichles have to hard-brake to avoid skidding beyond their corrupt jurisdiction. Both exhausted and elated, the redditors follow their hero to the freedom promised by their new surroundings ... but their peril is not yet passed.

Though most of the pirate-hunters glower from the south-side of the border, one special agent has crossed over and is speaking with the border guards. The tension is thick. A long-faced guard turns to the newcomers, clearly troubled by what he must do.

"Folks," he says, a pained look on his kindly face, "I'm sorry, to do this, don't cha' know, but I got no choice, eh!"

Confused, the redditors look to one another, and tremble as they notice the agent's smug expression, greedy eyes fixed on the leader of the exodus.

"Look here, now, you are all welcome here, of course, and since speech is free here, we are

... keep reading on reddit β‘

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π︎ Mar 23 2018
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During a phone interview, I was asked to compute some basic physics problems without a calculator. One question involved estimating if a baseball would clear the fence when hit. I told the interviewer that I would approximate gravitational acceleration to 10 m/s^2 to give me "a ballpark answer."

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π€︎ u/splorkt
π︎ May 20 2015
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I like powerful moments.

They really "accelerate" me.

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π€︎ u/Genenic
π︎ Oct 27 2015
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I was driving with my son the other day

He was drinking chocolate milk and apparently was taking as sip as I accelerated. He was mad that I made him spill it on himself and started to cry. As soon as I came to a stop, I looked him straight in the eyes and said "Son, there is no need to cry over spilled milk."

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π€︎ u/masterofreason
π︎ Feb 19 2016
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