My wife is leaving me due to my addiction to horse racing and she's taking the kids.
They're all packed and ready to go, they're at the gate now, and they're off.
EDIT: Thankyou everyone for getting me through this Friday these puns have been ridiculously on form except the one guy that tried to offer counselling advice on a joke thread π
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︎ Dec 03 2021
Shout out to gravity.
It's been keeping me grounded my whole life.
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︎ Dec 15 2021
just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo accident
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︎ Dec 20 2021
Due to this sub's unending debate about what equals a "Dad Joke", I have my own measure for whether or not to upvote/award... It must be more than some lame, unimaginative, "heard it 1000 times" pun. I just reviewed whether the top 10 jokes off all time from this sub meet this standard, and sadly...
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π
︎ Dec 10 2021
My wife is leaving me due to my obsession with Star Wars.
I told her, "may divorce be with you."
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π
︎ Nov 22 2021
My wife dumped me due to my obsession with comic booksβ¦
She said I have too many issues.
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π
︎ Aug 18 2021
(Punch line by my seven-year-old:) Did you hear about the Japanese restaurant that had to shut down due to COVID?
Hopefully itβs only tempurarily closed.
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π
︎ Dec 31 2021
Went to Disney World due to my daughter's obsession with Mickey Mouse
She was so excited when I got home and told her about it
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π
︎ Nov 29 2021
My celestial peers don't find me attractive due to my lack of gravity (x-post from /r/fifthworldproblems)
π︎ 2
π
︎ Feb 11 2016
In Hawaii, due to noise complaints, they've passed a new law - that you're not allowed to laugh above a certain decibel level.
It's crazy. Now you can only use a low ha.
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π
︎ Sep 25 2021
Due to the coin shortageβ¦.
I will no longer be accepting peopleβs 2 cents.
Thank you π
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π
︎ Sep 11 2021
Due to the pandemic...
I have been telling inside jokes only.
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π
︎ Aug 10 2021
A group of physicists came to my restaurant today, ate then explained what the force required to accelerate a mass of one gram at a rate of one centimeter per second squared is. Then when my attention was elsewhere, they all left, leaving behind a bunch of hyphens...
I should have known they'd dyne and dash.
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π
︎ Apr 25 2021
My best mate passed away yesterday due to heartburn, Iβm in tears I canβt believe it.
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︎ Sep 03 2021
I went to remote village and saw people there are ill due to water shortage
"Sorry for the sickness. Get well soon" - I said to them
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π
︎ Sep 26 2021
Insurance just called. They said the rates are being raised on my Chevy Bolt EUV due to the battery fire risk.
The conversation:
βYouβre raising my rates?? Iβm fuming right now! Let me speak to your manager as I have some burning questions!β
βHow much are you raising my rates?β
- βA lot, theyβre going to reach new Fahrenheitsβ
βI am heated!β
- βIβm sorry sir. We will keep it as manageable as possible since you have fantastic driving history - we want you to know we view you as a real bright sparkβ
βThank you, I am de-lightedβ
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π
︎ Aug 29 2021
Gravity is such a depressing topic to talk about.
It really brings me down.
π︎ 7
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︎ Apr 29 2021
This may not be the place to post this but Iβm heartbroken that my girl broke up with me due to her hallucinations.
Weβd be the only people in a room and sheβd tell me that sheβs seeing somebody else.
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π
︎ Jun 15 2021
My grandmother had to close down her clock reinforcement business due to the pandemic.
π︎ 5
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︎ Aug 24 2021
After being holed up in the house due to Covid, my wife has started having this weird nightmare that our house is made of celery.
Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.
Edit: You folks are way too generous. Thanks a lot.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Oct 04 2020
Due to water leakage, my bathroom collapsed through the floor into my living room.
I do not want to let that sink in.
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π
︎ Jul 28 2021
The husband said to the wife "Honey, I heard one of our neighbours past away due to Corona"
The wife asked "Who, Ray?"
The husband said "No need to be so happy"
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π
︎ Jun 25 2021
They say low intelligence is due to your genetic makeup.
Joke's on them, I'm not wearing any.
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π
︎ Jun 16 2021
At the local jail, due to COVID restrictions, prisoners are now required to take their own mug shots
Theyβre calling them cell-fies
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π
︎ Jul 15 2021
Did you hear that historic manufacturing plants are being shut down due to the pandemic?
Apparently COVID-19 causes olfactory loss
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jun 13 2021
Due to the Covid crisis, the Indian bakery in my neighborhood is going through some tough times.
They fired all Naan essential staff.
π︎ 10k
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︎ Apr 03 2020
Does anyone of you know how many us-citicen lost their fingers on 4th july due to firework?
I bet you could not count it on one hand..
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jul 07 2021
Did you hear? An attempted murder was foiled due to the assailant's severe grain allergy.
The killer was found, dead to rice.
π︎ 5
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︎ Jun 03 2021
What's Up?
The direction directly anti-parallel to the force of gravity.
Cute. But what I meant was: What's going down?
Anything accelerating in a gravity field. Why do you ask?
No, no. I'm asking you: What is going on?
Any object proceeding kinematically from here to any other point in the same direction as its current velocity vector. ... ... Are you ever going to tell me what you want?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 26 2021
Doctor said Iβm at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
π︎ 66
π
︎ Jan 15 2021
Iβve just been reading a book about anti-gravity, itβs impossible to put down!
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jul 15 2020
Due to bad weather, I won't be attending the Meteorology Convention.
I'm gonna take a rain-check.
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 22 2021
I told my suitcase there will not be any vacation due to pandemic
I am now dealing with emotional baggage
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︎ May 01 2021
Why do blind people hate skydiving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
π︎ 7k
π
︎ May 30 2019
Due to my flatulent habits my daughters have started calling me "Farther"
They didn't like it when I retaliated with...
"Daughturds"
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︎ Oct 24 2020
Doctor leaning over a patient who is slowly falling asleep due to anesthetic
-
No worries Steve, this will work out just fine. Itβs an easy procedure.
-
But doctor, Iβm not Steve!!
-
I know, I am Steve.
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︎ Mar 25 2021
I just got glasses due to myopia and now everything looks clear and 4K.
Guess that's my New Year's Resolution
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︎ Jan 05 2021
During quarrantine I decided to enrich my science knowledge and started reading a book about anti-gravity.
π︎ 5
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︎ May 27 2020
Due to the pandemic, we should all avoid buying butter.
Together we can stop the spread.
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︎ Oct 15 2020
You can't blame anyone if you fall in your driveway due to snowy weather...
Because that's your own asphalt.
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︎ Feb 15 2021
Just got hospitalised due to a peekaboo accident
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︎ Dec 20 2021
Iβve just been hospitalized due to a peek-a-boo accident.
π︎ 73
π
︎ Jan 03 2022
Due to complaints, Hawaii passed a law where you're not allowed to laugh above a certain decibel
You can only use a low ha
π︎ 336
π
︎ Apr 27 2021
Due to noise complaints, they passed a law in Hawaii that youβre no longer allowed to laugh above a certain decibel...
Now you can only use a low ha
π︎ 92
π
︎ Apr 27 2021
Due to the quarantine
Iβll only be telling inside jokes
π︎ 18k
π
︎ Mar 19 2020
Due to quarantine
π︎ 5
π
︎ Mar 04 2021
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