Absolutes Puns

A list of puns related to "Absolutes"

My wife's an absolute treasure...

By that I mean, you'll need a map and a shovel to find her.

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👤︎ u/VERBERD
📅︎ Feb 03 2021
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What’s the absolute best Christmas present?

A broken drum — you can’t beat it!

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👤︎ u/OwenJthomas89
📅︎ Dec 25 2020
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My core temperature has been lowered to absolute zero.

Don't worry, I'm 0K.

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👤︎ u/IncompotentCyborg
📅︎ Oct 05 2020
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A scientist once froze himself at absolute zero.

He was 0K.

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👤︎ u/umaborgee
📅︎ Aug 12 2020
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Richard Osman with an absolute peach imgur.com/esZMaHi
👍︎ 150
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👤︎ u/VisualShock1991
📅︎ May 20 2020
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Did you hear about the guy that got frozen to absolute zero?

He’s 0k now

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👤︎ u/Avery101912
📅︎ Jun 26 2020
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Absolute Show Stopper
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👤︎ u/Yeet69420dab
📅︎ May 24 2020
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What an absolute ewenit
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👤︎ u/Aevaeternity
📅︎ Nov 04 2018
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I just made a list of my top 10 favourite Dad jokes. The first 9 are great but the last one is an absolute cracker

  1. great

  2. great

  3. great

  4. great

  5. great

  6. great

  7. great

  8. great

  9. great

  10. An absolute cracker

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👤︎ u/dandan_56
📅︎ Oct 30 2019
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Ok brace yourselves for an absolute travesty of a joke, said during bathtime after water got into my daughter's eyes.

I told my wife:

There's the captain water, and the crewmember water. The captain water says: "All right crewmembers, do you know where you have to go?" The crewmember water replies: "Eye eye, sir!"

This earned me a proper facepalm from my wife which I shall wear proudly as a badge of honor and now share here with you.

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👤︎ u/OiTheRolk
📅︎ Mar 07 2020
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Recently a man was cooled down to absolute zero...

Don’t worry, he’s 0K

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👤︎ u/Yamo412
📅︎ Feb 22 2020
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Chance of getting the job? Absolute zero.
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👤︎ u/porichoygupto
📅︎ May 02 2018
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Absolute unit
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👤︎ u/glitchomojo
📅︎ Jan 18 2020
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This pun's the absolute Bomb
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👤︎ u/BanAllPineapples
📅︎ Apr 05 2019
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Did you hear about the guy who cooled to absolute zero ?

He turned out being 0 K

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👤︎ u/Depressed_Citrus
📅︎ Nov 29 2019
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What did the scientists say while freezing at absolute zero?

This is 0K

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👤︎ u/GoonBaboon_
📅︎ Aug 28 2019
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I cannot stand absolute zero!

I'll never be 0K with it.

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👤︎ u/thomasbrakeline
📅︎ Mar 18 2020
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I just want to talk about the absolute perfect quality of material here in r/dadjokes!

Not once has anyone laughed at one of these jokes when I have told them. Way to keep the spirit of dadjokes alive by putting groans before laughter!

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👤︎ u/designatedjohnny
📅︎ Oct 17 2019
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Absolute genius
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👤︎ u/MattBot44
📅︎ Jul 05 2019
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Very proud of my five year old daughter. My wife screamed with a sound of absolute terror while in the shower earlier. I find out that she saw a few hairs together, thought it was a giant bug, and temporarily lost her mind. My daughter asked why she screamed...

...so I told her that her mom saw a few hairs fall out of her head and freaked out.

My daughter responds, completely deadpan, "mom had rabbits falling out of her head?"

She's going to be a great dad one day.

Edit: skipped a word

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👤︎ u/LeftHandedToe
📅︎ Jul 04 2018
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Found this absolute gem
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👤︎ u/undermade12
📅︎ Jun 13 2019
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Did you hear about the man stuck in a room at absolute zero?

Don’t worry, he’s 0 K

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👤︎ u/Dragon4life3404
📅︎ Oct 03 2019
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Someone on reddit came up with this absolute gem.
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👤︎ u/vinCNG
📅︎ Mar 16 2019
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Had to share this absolute bomb my husband dropped earlier.

Our 11 year old is attending a debate camp and at the dinner table she was telling us about her day. We decided she would have a mock debate against my husband the following day so she could show us a bit of what she's learned. We talk about possible topics and we land on "Should school officials or other adults be allowed to ban certain books from school." We talk a little more on the topic of banned books and my husband perks up and says "I think banned books should be allowed because without them, there would be no music." Then he gets this massive grin and my daughter and I are so confused.. it takes a moment for us to realize he's talking about BAND books .. there would be no music .. I had to give it to him, that was heavenly. Our daughters eyes rolled out of her head but we were all laughing. Great job, dad.

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👤︎ u/jennyy1
📅︎ Jul 23 2019
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What's the absolute best part about dad jokes?

When they become "apparent"

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👤︎ u/Dirtball231
📅︎ Aug 13 2019
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My Math teacher said I‘m an absolute Zero.

And that I would be 100 times better if I listened.

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👤︎ u/TomTom_ZH
📅︎ May 20 2019
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Got my wife with this absolute beaut.

I get back home from a month out field on ex in the Army and I take a shower with my missus. I then look at my face in the mirror after.

"I reckon I still have cam cream in and behind my ears" I say.

"I can't see any of it" says my wife.

"Of course you can't see it mate, it's cam cream" says I.

wife groans

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👤︎ u/Spartan17492
📅︎ Mar 28 2019
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Absolute units
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👤︎ u/gamerthatplays
📅︎ Oct 12 2018
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Absolute banger
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👤︎ u/Slapshot_151
📅︎ Nov 06 2018
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I was naturally excited to have stumbled upon this sub, the goldmine of dadjokes. Couldn’t wait to use one of it...so one day while I was browsing, my son asked what was I reading? I took a deep breath of absolute euphoria and satisfaction, grinned widely and said, “They r/dadjokes.”

The son said, “What’s slash dad jokes?” Kids, right!

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👤︎ u/unlucky_genius
📅︎ May 12 2019
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Jokes about Mother Superior going to the tavern are the absolute best...

...bar nun.

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👤︎ u/diplomaticDeveloper
📅︎ Jun 19 2019
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Absolute mother lode of guitar puns v.redd.it/lz2uw7l5pan11
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👤︎ u/czarofel
📅︎ Sep 20 2018
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AF stands for Absolute Respect.
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👤︎ u/defucktive_potato
📅︎ Feb 07 2019
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A sweater can be an absolute ewe knit.
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👤︎ u/felixswan
📅︎ Oct 07 2018
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|u| the absolute unit
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👤︎ u/GamingLizzard
📅︎ Jan 22 2019
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You know what happens when you're chilled to absolute zero?

You'll be 0K.

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👤︎ u/bonnetMacaque
📅︎ Jan 20 2019
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Look at this absolute eunuch
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👤︎ u/epicsnail14
📅︎ Aug 21 2018
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In awe at the size of this lad. Absolute unit.
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👤︎ u/phillepips
📅︎ Apr 30 2018
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My math teacher asked me to find the absolute value of 3512 - 6517sqrt(3) in my head.

Thats's just ab(surd).

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👤︎ u/OoohTacos
📅︎ May 30 2018
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I just made a list of my all time favourite dad jokes. The first 4 are pretty good but the last one's absolute gold.
  1. pretty good
  2. pretty good
  3. pretty good
  4. pretty good
  5. absolute gold
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👤︎ u/Tempsilon
📅︎ Nov 06 2018
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I lowered my grandpa's temperature to absolute zero

0K boomer

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👤︎ u/PrudeJesus
📅︎ Nov 14 2019
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I have 10 jokes. The first 9 are great, but the last one's an absolute cracker
  1. Great
  2. Great
  3. Great
  4. Great
  5. Great
  6. Great
  7. Great
  8. Great
  9. Great
  10. An absolute cracker
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👤︎ u/IgnorableLetuce
📅︎ Nov 14 2019
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I have a friend that was frozen to absolute zero once...

He was 0K

👍︎ 2k
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👤︎ u/dsowders
📅︎ Feb 26 2017
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My friend was frozen at absolute zero

He's 0K now

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👤︎ u/Wisamo12
📅︎ Sep 06 2018
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Absolute Zero...

Is just O.k.

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👤︎ u/bigmantomm
📅︎ May 25 2018
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Did you hear about the scientist who lowered his temperature to absolute zero?

He’s 0K now.

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👤︎ u/seattledandy
📅︎ Sep 26 2018
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Did you hear about the guy who lived in absolute zero temperatures?

He’s 0K now!

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👤︎ u/watchursix
📅︎ Jul 15 2018
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