Absence of consent
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πŸ‘€︎ u/robuttocks
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
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Do black and white count as colors?

It's a gray area.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Who_GNU
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
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[Request] Puns About My Absence

I used to post puns and dad jokes on my company’s intranet daily. About a year ago I stopped for one reason or another. I’d like to start again, but I need something witty to start it off. Any ideas?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PhantomBanker
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2019
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I asked my brother what the ministry of absence was.

He said, β€œNo em bussy.” He never has time for me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JJ4mmer
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
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Special Report: Execution Botched Today Due to Hangman's Absence During Knot Tying Seminar in his Youth

Breaking Noose

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πŸ‘€︎ u/joeywithanr
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
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This is (practically) the corniest gift imaginable. At the bottom of the soon to be gift wrapped box of corniness was a pair of Korn tickets for my lady...who enjoys my corny puns.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr-JasonTe
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
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So a snake walks in to a bar

The bartender says, "How'd you do that?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/X-pertNinja
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2017
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An Italian man walks into a prestigious hotel.

After inspecting his room, he comes back to the hotel manager saying, "I would like six forks and a sheet" after noticing the absence of those items in his room.

He gets kicked out.

"Why did you kick him out?" says one of the hotel staff.

"He told me he wanted sex, fucks, and a shit!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_w1n5t0n__
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
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Cold never bothered me anyway...

It was my son's birthday, and we were doing a Thomas the Tank Engine theme. Went to the party supplies shop, and one of the things we got for the party was a helium balloon with Thomas on it. Gave it to him, told him to hold on to it, otherwise it would float up into the sky, all the way to the moon as Peppa Pig phrases it.

Anyway, I'm looking around and I notice something weird... there are Transformers helium balloons, Peppa Pig helium balloons, Barbie helium balloons, Thomas of course, various superheroes... but I notice the complete absence of Elsa and Anna on these balloons. But Frozen must be the most popular theme ever for girl's birthday parties, I would have thought. So why no Frozen helium balloons?

I asked at the counter, and they told me that they used to have them, but they got too many complaints. Apparently every time a parent gave the balloon to a kid, she'd just let it go...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cman_yall
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
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I'm disappointed in the the overuse of Dad jokes in today's society

We're a fairly advanced society, we need jokes with content that makes us think. All these easy laughs are making us dumber by the second, and we just keep rewarding them with upvotes that convince the lazy among us to keep churning out lazy jokes. Comedy is one of the only common traits things in every society and culture on this planet and we may not always agree with what is funny, it's very subjective, but no society or culture has no comedy. It's one of the most effective unifiers in all human existence. Of course it's just my two cents, but we really need to avoid cheapening it. There are 6500 spoken languages in the world and this is the most widely spoken, the least spoken languages of course being sign language. Someone once said "a world without laughter would be like a world without warmth, a dark hole in the ground filled with cold water." I know they mean well, but I think it's worse than that. There are three unwritten rules for how comedy should function in the world. We have to learn to follow them or we're doomed as a people, forever, however just like there are two butts in the word "assassin", there are two caveats to this dire situation with lessons learned from the best there is. One is the lesson we can take from Switzerland, I'm not entirely sure what makes them so good at integrating comedy into their lives, but their flag is a huge plus. The other is the lesson we can learn from farmers who know how to put what's important first, how to put in the effort into growing something, and they are always outstanding in their field. We get too caught up in standard modalities of thinking and none of us are totally all right, in fact most of us are at least close to half left. In closing, the absence of comedy when you really think about it, is fear. Fear of the ups and downs of life, much like a fear of elevators. And just like a fear of elevators, we all must take steps to avoid it. Thank you for your time.

Disappointed

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mnemonikos82
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2019
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My dad made me a To Do list

I guess this is how he imagines a day in the life of his 21 year old

http://imgur.com/o4jCUI8

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πŸ‘€︎ u/floride850
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2014
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A scarecrow went on vacation. The farmer missed it very much.

Absence makes the heart crow fonder.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mortaltacomoose
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2019
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My dad hit me with this one today.

We had just gotten back from a long day's bike ride, when I noticed that the tree in front of our apartment building had been cut down in our absence. I turned to my dad asking him if he knew about this.

Without missing a beat he replies, "I don't know, I'm stumped!"

He didn't let me leave until I fist bumped him twice

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πŸ‘€︎ u/afineguy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2015
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24 Feb 2017, Revised Rules and meta-state of /r/puns

Hello ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

I've been very busy with personal stuff for the past few weeks, so I've let this subreddit drift unattended. Reading some of the reports and comments after coming back makes me realize that my absence led to some unwanted events happening!


Let's start with the fun stuff: We now have a new fancy rulebook! If you suspect a post of breaking these rules, feel free to report it in the relevant category, or use (8) other if you suspect it to slip through the cracks of one of the other rules.

Secondly, as of right now, we do not have an explicit rule forbidding inflammatory subjects like race, politics, etc, as the rest of reddit seems to be melting down, but so far we remain unscathed. I wish to let you all crack puns like adults without having to put on training wheels, but if any of the above subjects become a problem then I will swiftly revisit this. Consider this a privilege, not a right, and do try to avoid abusing it! Piggybacking off this, any post that is more 'lewd' than PG should be NSFW tagged. If it is inappropriate for an office setting, I will manually NSFW it, and repeat offenders will have consequences.

Third, you can now request puns! start a self post with [request] and put in whatever information is necessary, such as "[request] puns about clocks".


I'll keep this post stickied for about a week or so, to keep it as a nice feedback net, and we can adjust rules, add/delete/modify them as needed, to keep our subreddit of lovely puns in peak condition!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KetoSaiba
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2017
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When you can't feel your abdominals it's basically

Absence of your abs' sense

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Antoniman
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2018
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Mike Pence couldn’t make it to the Senate vote today because he had food poisoning from raw fish.

Presiding in his absence was the President Pro Temp-ura.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dingleingus
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2018
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My childhood

I'm not sure if this qualifies as a dad joke, but... Whenever I missed school in my childhood or had to have something signed, like a progress report, I would usually have my mom sign it. The few times I forgot where she had already left for work, I would have my dad sign it. I would never look at it and just rush off to the bus. I would get to school and hand it into my teacher and she would look at me like I was an idiot and hand me the paper back:

"To whomever it may concern, Robrak was ill yesterday, please excuse his absence.

Abraham Lincoln"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/robrakk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2013
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