I saw an advertisement of two seventeen year old district level players shaking hands after the match
It was for a protein shake
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︎ Jul 14 2021
My 14 year old dropped this one on me - I am so proud: two snare drums and a cymbal fall over a cliff...
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︎ May 02 2021
My 8 year old son asked me to buy him two axes for his birthday...
I told him ok, Iβd get him an X and a Y... my 12 year old cracked up, the 8 year old was confused. I still look at it as a win.
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︎ Feb 24 2021
My two year old was playing cars and blocks with my wife, when she (the toddler) put a block on the road on her city map carpet and said:
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︎ Apr 22 2021
I have only two new years resolutions this year. One: get back to the weight I was before the accident.
Two: stop referring to last year's junk food binge as 'the accident'
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︎ Jan 03 2021
My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but..."
"Look at what kids your age make in China!"
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︎ Dec 25 2020
What does a two year old call a handsome frog in a tuxedo?
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︎ Feb 16 2021
From my 70 year old dad: I hung up a map of the US in the kitchen and gave my wife a dart. I told her we would go on a two week vacation wherever she stuck the dart.
Looks like weβll be spending two weeks behind the fridge.
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︎ Dec 13 2020
I have a plan to live on two bucks for the whole next year.
Step 1: get a hunting license.
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︎ Dec 16 2020
Weβre in the process of potty training my two year old. My wife took her into the bathroom and argued with her that sheβs not allowed to take toys into the bathroom.
I interrupted her and told her that it is in fact called a toy-let.
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︎ Feb 07 2021
I started pulling the "Hi hungry, I'm dad" routine with my two-year-old. A couple days in, I asked her if she was hungry.
She just laughs and says, "Silly Daddy, I'm not hungry, I'm Nona." I didn't expect to be a grandfather so soon...
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︎ Aug 17 2019
Day two: I have a fantastic New Years resolution
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︎ Jan 02 2021
What's it called when a buffalo turns two hundred years old?
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︎ Nov 29 2020
I could never accept a two-year sentence. I just donβt have that much to say.
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︎ Sep 19 2020
My mom that I havenβt seen in two years said welcome back.
I have a front to you know
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︎ Oct 27 2020
If β2020β was a movie and in two years there was gonna be another year filled with disaster, what would the sequel be titled?
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︎ Jul 04 2020
My two year old in the tub
Looked at me and said "Pop!..." I assumed he was prompting me to sing, so I finished "goes the weasel!" Instead, he looked at me, smiled, and whispered. "No. Pop goes the waffle."
He got his bedtime toaster waffle snack that night.
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︎ Oct 04 2020
Whatβs the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler...
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︎ Apr 22 2020
Itβs our wedding anniversary today. My wife and I have been happily married for two years now.
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︎ Sep 24 2019
Driving down the road, listening to Disney songs. I look in my rear view mirror. My two-year-old is grooving. I ask her, "Aw, are you dancing?" And she replies,
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︎ Nov 23 2019
Due to PCOS, my friend bled everyday continuously for two years.
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︎ Mar 13 2020
I'm a single dad looking after two kids, a 9-year-old and a 5-year-old...
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︎ May 10 2020
Some guy came up to me and said, "I haven't gone to the bathroom in two years."
I said, "you're full of crap"
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︎ Jun 13 2019
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
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︎ Nov 26 2019
I've spent two years looking for my ex's killer
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︎ Jun 17 2019
Someone asked where I saw myself in two years...
How should I know. Itβs not like I have 2020 vision.
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︎ Oct 08 2018
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf.
I haven't heard from him since.
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︎ Jan 23 2019
Been a dad for two years, finally posting something on here.
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︎ Jan 05 2015
The psychic I go to can predict what's going to happen two years from now.
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︎ Oct 30 2018
I was walking with two friend on my way to a new years party
One of them brought up that the government has outlawed really loud fireworks
My other friend said: "Really? I havent heard of those"
To which I replied: "That's the point"
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︎ Jan 01 2020
Asked my two year old son if he could pretend to be a horse
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︎ Oct 16 2019
Got dad joked by my two year old.
Walked into the kitchen with my hammer to hang something up, "What's that, Daddy?"
"It's a hammer, buddy."
"What are you going to ham?"
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︎ Nov 30 2015
Last year, my wife was so angry that I forgot to buy her a Christmas present, but that's not happening this time, because I bought her present two months ago! It's all wrapped up, sitting under the tree, waiting for her on Christmas Day!!
She's going to love these flowers!
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︎ Dec 22 2019
My two-year old's first dad joke!
Him: "Mommy, I want cookie!"
Mommy: "Can you say please?"
Him: "Yes."
#prouddadtears
Edit Sorry for the messed up hyphen in the title.
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︎ Nov 15 2014
If you missed the special NYE this time, just wait for two years.
Because 2022 is 2020, too.
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︎ Jan 03 2020
Got talking to a very cool old man. After finding out he was from England, a World War Two vet and has spent the last thirty two years in the states I had to ask..
Me: so what brought you to the states?
Him: An airplane.
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︎ Jul 25 2014
I hate when people ask me where I'll be in two years, come on guys I don't have 2020 vision.
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︎ Dec 26 2018
Exercise can add years to your life. I just ran two miles and already I'm feeling
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︎ Oct 12 2019
6 years ago today on my birthday. The Baltimore Ravens have won two Super Bowls, both on February 3rd. All a Baltimore boy would like for his cake day is some purple fever! I believe #20 intercepted Colin's ball hence "Ed Reads". I crack myself up.
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︎ Feb 03 2019
My two year old girl loves going to the lake...
She gets to see her buoy-friends.
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︎ May 08 2019
My wife is two years older than me...
But in 5 years we'll be the same age, I'll be thirty and she'll be thirty too
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︎ Aug 10 2018
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf
I haven't heard from her since
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︎ Mar 08 2019
It's our wedding anniversary today. My wife and I have been happily married for two years now.
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︎ Sep 24 2019
I can see two years into the future
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︎ Nov 26 2018
I can see the future exactly two years from now
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︎ Sep 22 2018
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