My 14 year old dropped this one on me - I am so proud: two snare drums and a cymbal fall over a cliff...
We have an awesome tire swing at our home and my two year old started to push it, with no one on it, and I noticed he was pushing it harder and harder and I got worried it would come back and hit him
He was playing with tire.
My two year old was playing cars and blocks with my wife, when she (the toddler) put a block on the road on her city map carpet and said:
My 8 year old son asked me to buy him two axes for his birthday...
I told him ok, I’d get him an X and a Y... my 12 year old cracked up, the 8 year old was confused. I still look at it as a win.
I have only two new years resolutions this year. One: get back to the weight I was before the accident.
Two: stop referring to last year's junk food binge as 'the accident'
What does a two year old call a handsome frog in a tuxedo?
My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but..."
"Look at what kids your age make in China!"
From my 70 year old dad: I hung up a map of the US in the kitchen and gave my wife a dart. I told her we would go on a two week vacation wherever she stuck the dart.
Looks like we’ll be spending two weeks behind the fridge.
We’re in the process of potty training my two year old. My wife took her into the bathroom and argued with her that she’s not allowed to take toys into the bathroom.
I interrupted her and told her that it is in fact called a toy-let.
I have a plan to live on two bucks for the whole next year.
Step 1: get a hunting license.
Day two: I have a fantastic New Years resolution
What's it called when a buffalo turns two hundred years old?
I started pulling the "Hi hungry, I'm dad" routine with my two-year-old. A couple days in, I asked her if she was hungry.
She just laughs and says, "Silly Daddy, I'm not hungry, I'm Nona." I didn't expect to be a grandfather so soon...
I could never accept a two-year sentence. I just don’t have that much to say.
My mom that I haven’t seen in two years said welcome back.
I have a front to you know
If ‘2020’ was a movie and in two years there was gonna be another year filled with disaster, what would the sequel be titled?
My two year old in the tub
Looked at me and said "Pop!..." I assumed he was prompting me to sing, so I finished "goes the weasel!" Instead, he looked at me, smiled, and whispered. "No. Pop goes the waffle."
He got his bedtime toaster waffle snack that night.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler...
I'm a single dad looking after two kids, a 9-year-old and a 5-year-old...
Due to PCOS, my friend bled everyday continuously for two years.
It’s our wedding anniversary today. My wife and I have been happily married for two years now.
Driving down the road, listening to Disney songs. I look in my rear view mirror. My two-year-old is grooving. I ask her, "Aw, are you dancing?" And she replies,
Some guy came up to me and said, "I haven't gone to the bathroom in two years."
I said, "you're full of crap"
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
I've spent two years looking for my ex's killer
Someone asked where I saw myself in two years...
How should I know. It’s not like I have 2020 vision.
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf.
I haven't heard from him since.
I was walking with two friend on my way to a new years party
One of them brought up that the government has outlawed really loud fireworks
My other friend said: "Really? I havent heard of those"
To which I replied: "That's the point"
The psychic I go to can predict what's going to happen two years from now.
Been a dad for two years, finally posting something on here.
Asked my two year old son if he could pretend to be a horse
Last year, my wife was so angry that I forgot to buy her a Christmas present, but that's not happening this time, because I bought her present two months ago! It's all wrapped up, sitting under the tree, waiting for her on Christmas Day!!
She's going to love these flowers!
If you missed the special NYE this time, just wait for two years.
Because 2022 is 2020, too.
Got dad joked by my two year old.
Walked into the kitchen with my hammer to hang something up, "What's that, Daddy?"
"It's a hammer, buddy."
"What are you going to ham?"
I hate when people ask me where I'll be in two years, come on guys I don't have 2020 vision.
My two-year old's first dad joke!
Him: "Mommy, I want cookie!"
Mommy: "Can you say please?"
Him: "Yes."
#prouddadtears
Edit Sorry for the messed up hyphen in the title.
Got talking to a very cool old man. After finding out he was from England, a World War Two vet and has spent the last thirty two years in the states I had to ask..
Me: so what brought you to the states?
Him: An airplane.
Exercise can add years to your life. I just ran two miles and already I'm feeling
6 years ago today on my birthday. The Baltimore Ravens have won two Super Bowls, both on February 3rd. All a Baltimore boy would like for his cake day is some purple fever! I believe #20 intercepted Colin's ball hence "Ed Reads". I crack myself up.
My two year old girl loves going to the lake...
She gets to see her buoy-friends.
My wife is two years older than me...
But in 5 years we'll be the same age, I'll be thirty and she'll be thirty too
Did you hear about the buffalo that lived two hundred years?
It just celebrated its bison-tennial.
I’ve spent two and a half years making a watch big enough to be a belt.
....It was a waist of time.
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf
I haven't heard from her since
It's our wedding anniversary today. My wife and I have been happily married for two years now.
I can see two years into the future
I can see the future exactly two years from now
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