My tailor kept yanking my pant leg til it dragged across the carpet.

"Bro, would you cut me some slack?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeromocles
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2020
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During my massage the therapist yanked my foot.

I couldn't tell if it was part of the massage or if she was just pulling my leg.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aaronburr1804
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
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Where do chains go to rock out?

Linkin Park

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πŸ‘€︎ u/simple-fire
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
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Found this on r/memes and thought it belonged here.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/electrocuter666
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
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Why don't blind people go skydiving

It scares the dog

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ratonacliffe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2017
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I used to be pretty nifty tap dancer...

Until I fell into the sink (ie the basin for the yanks).

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2019
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I made a comment about an actresses short hair to my fiancΓ©e

Me: "Hmm, I wish I could pull off her short hair, I never could"
Him: "Aw, I'm sure you could. I'll hold her down while you yank it out"
Didn't see that coming.

Edit: thanks guys I didn't realise fiance/e has genders.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lunadoll
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2015
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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant...

While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it.'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shimaxed
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
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I was praying the rosary in Notre Dame when the fire broke out. I shit my pants!

I evacuated instead of remaining in my pew.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
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My uncle, aunt, dad and I were in the car talking about our house back home

My dad: "We have some hydrangeas, except the deer ate them down to one inch." My uncle: "So I guess they're low-drangeas now." I chuckled, but my aunt sighed heavily.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fantasiaflyer
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2015
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Not a joke say but a good prank my dad pulls.

Years ago my dad got his ring finger torn off, so now all he has is a little stub.

So now when he meets new people he puts ketchup on it and puts a Chinese finger trap on. He walks up to them and puts on a flustered face. When they tell him he needs to "push together" he replies with "don't be stupid that won't work!"

He then proceeds to yank his finger out.....that's my dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zeppelinofled
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2013
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We have a latte fun at my work...

So I was pouring a cup of coffee when the lip of the cup caught on the spout of the coffee pot causing some hot coffee to splash on my hand, instinctively I yanked my hand away like a scalded cat.

Customer: "oh my God, are you ok?!”

Me: "Yeah, it's fine. It's only a..Light Roast."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lantec
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2017
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An American guy called Hank pulled a tissue from his pocket.

Hank the Yankee yanked his hanky.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cthart
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2018
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Got the wife while going to bed after midnight...

She was in bed before me and I yanked the covers off her when I got in bed. She threatened to cut me off for a month...

"I haven't gotten laid all year, what's one more month?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/captainwoj
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2015
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An upcoming Racer is hesitating on his new career...

so he yanked out his side mirrors because he didn't want to look back.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Efren_John
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2017
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The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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This one is my favorite "story" to tell.

I start with just having a normal conversation like normal people do while I wait for an opportune time to slip in this story of mine.

The Story:

Did you hear about that kid on the bridge with the brick about a year ago? Yeah, this kid was apparently on an overpass for I-95 (nearby interstate. Locality makes it believable.) with a brick tied to a rope. He just sat there swinging it at passing cars, breaking their windshields just for a laugh. Eventually, the brick got caught in one and didn't come back out like it usually did. Instead, this time, the rope got wrapped around his arm and the sudden yank pulled his arm clean off. The driver tried to sue, but got nowhere because it was a kid. However, the driver was arrested for armed robbery.

Gets groans every time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JamoWRage
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2014
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Father helping son assemble a bike.

My dad shipped up a bike to my dorm and I got everything put together except the handle bar (there was a missing piece) and I texted him to tell him the situation. Here's how the conversation went.

Me: I think I got most of it... but I feel like I'm missing something cause I can't attach the handlebar.

Dad: Sounds like you just need to get a handle over the situation

Me: Oh dear... -.-

Dad: Haha I'm just... yanking your chain.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LessThanNone
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2014
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My mom thought it was funny

So my dad and I have this thing where we try to make each other mad by picking little fights and petty arguments (all in good fun of course). During dinner I started one, so he looks at my mom and says...

Dad: "Why must he always yank dad's chain, why can't he yank mom's chain?" Me: "Don't be ridiculous dad... Mom's not wearing a chain"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAlphaJon
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2014
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