I have started carrying a piece of stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

It’s my jingle bell rock.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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There was a knight whose job it was to guard other knights while they sleep

But as anyone that has worked the night shift knows it can be a long and boring affair. No great threats to defend against. So this knight decided to improve himself, night after night he would bring books to read while he stood guard. Learning languages, math, philosophy. The smarter he gets the more he realizes that he will likely leave the world and be forgotten. In his depression he turns to music, learning instrument after instrument, style after style. Using his knowledge of math to create beautiful patterns and moving songs. He learns that it is they rhythm more than anything that draws people to a song and sets his nights to finding the rhythm that will be universally loved. Now, hundreds of years after his death, people the world over still remember Sir Cadian's Rhythm.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirDianthus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
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My son sent me a recording of a song he wrote. I gave him a suggestion to improve it but he didn't Iike it. He said it was "cheesy" So i said, "Maybe if you worked on your Kraft a little harder you might get a single."
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gocards2579
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2017
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[person A]: Hey, what's a good song to listen to while working?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pperson25
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2014
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Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all information about 80s music!

Me: Yikes! What is The Cure?

Doctor: Oh my God. It is worse than I thought!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2018
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Not a huge fan, to be honest.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fiveminded
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2017
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One of the most popular searches on pornhub is Minecraft porn

I tried searching for that once. Unfortunately, it was blocked.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrMorlonelycat
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2016
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My husband (who is a dad) dad joked me over text message for the first time today.

Me: I turned Pandora off, but it is still playing and I would have to completely close all my school work tabs to shut the stupid thing down. Several songs later, and it still won't go away. ):|

Him: You have opened Pandora's Box.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jenovadark00
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2014
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A guy goes to his school dance...

...He could hear from the music and the roar of all the people, it sounded like it was going to be a lot of fun so he got in line to buy a ticket. Once inside he ran into Sally, whom he'd had a massive crush on since grade 3, seven long years ago. They danced up a storm all night, and he felt like tonight was going to "end well". 10 or 15 songs later they had worked up quite a thirst. They meandered over to the drink table and asked the guy in front of them if this was the line to get a drink, and he replied "That's right, this is the punchline".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CanadianGuy116
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2013
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Do you know this song?

Daughter: "Dad, do you know the song 'Chandelier'?"

Me: <Sing a few lines>. "You mean that one?"

Daughter: "Yeah!"

Me: <Think for a moment> "No, never heard it."

I've tried it and it works with other songs too!

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2015
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The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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Heard this while at a town festival this weekend

A guy was playing music while trying to sell his CDs. Between songs, he threw this out there: "Bought myself an AM radio the other day; I was really happy when I found out it still works in the evening!"

πŸ‘︎ 85
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xenokira
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2015
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Got dadjoked at a concert last night

So Colin Hay (from Men at Work) is on stage singing some great songs. Just him and a guitar. Someone yells "You fucking rock!"

Colin Hay responds "Tonight I'm doing more folking than rocking. I will folk you hard."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlyingSaucered
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2015
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See what you guys do to me?

So I was driving around with my friend who is addicted to that "What Does the Fox Say?" song (so annoying). I almost hit a squirrel which brought up conversation about hitting/almost hitting animals.

Him: "Yeah the other day I almost hit a fox coming home from work."

Me: "Oh really? What did it say?"

Him: "-__-"

I think I laughed at that joke to myself for a good five minutes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dmatt1024
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2013
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Funeral Choir

My dad works at a church, and stopped into a birthday celebration for a member of our funeral choir. After asking for a piece of cake, they insisted that he sing a song. After singing, something they said he should join their choir to which he responded: "I heard people are dying just to hear you guys sing."

He told me they all groaned at him, but I laughed at that.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ninjatertl
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2015
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Amused my son with some dad humor

I had just gotten off the phone with my wife on the car bluetooth and the radio came on. Of course Adele's Hello started playing (why is this song so overplayed?) so I pretended it was another call and started replying to her. It works for the first few verses.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JTsyo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2016
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My coworker got a good one in last night

The the kitchen I work in, two of the cooks normally have the local Latino top 40 station on the radio. Last night, a bachata song was playing on the radio, when one of my coworkers asked one of the cooks, Omar, about it. I noticed he had a huge grin on his face. I knew something was up.

Coworker: "Hey Omar, what is this stuff on the radio?"

Omar: "It's bachata, te gustas? [do you like it?]"

Coworker: "Oh yeah guey, I love horchata."

Omar then gives my coworker the much needed groan, while I laugh my ass off.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Etrex
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2014
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While waiting at a red light---

Dad was working in my town for the weekend and we met up for ice cream. I had walked so he was driving me home and at the red light a car next to us with a bunch of teenagers in it. The music was so loud we had trouble hearing each other in the car and the base was turned up to the point where you could feel your skin vibrate.

Dad just turns to me and shouts-- This song is really good! But I'd really like to hear the treble part too

cue groan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dagnythedoodle
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2015
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