And in unrelated news

The first stepdad joke has been created

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πŸ‘€︎ u/D3ltaforc3
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
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My trigonometry teacher loves talking about unrelated subjects for a long time

I guess you could say that he sometimes goes off on a sin/cos

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MasterCheezOtter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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My clock is off by 5 minutes, unrelated, my wife now hates clocks

I can’t believe the timing!

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2019
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Anything Unrelated to Elephants is Irrelephant
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AspenTD
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2017
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What's the name of the airline that makes sudden unrelated stops?

NonsequitAir

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πŸ‘€︎ u/anstosa
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2016
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Negative

True story, I work in the health industry, get to ask these questions from time to time:

Me: Good morning (of course no matter what time of day it is)! I have 4 questions for you, let’s see if you studied for the test...

Patient: (most of the time, chuckle)

Me: Have you had a fever in the last 48 hours?

Patient: No

Me: Have you had a persistent cough recently?

Patient: No

Me: Have you been tested for COVID-19 recently?

Patient (sometimes): Yes

Me: Do you know the results of the test?

Patient (about 85% of the time): Negative

Me: You don’t know the results of the test? (Straight face behind mask)

Patient: It was negative

Me: (smile and chuckle showing through mask)

Patient: Ohhhh! I get it! (Laughs 95% of the time)

Me: Dad jokes have to happen... πŸ™‚

/insert question #4 here, unrelated to said joke... heh

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cidici
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2021
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Noone in Antarctica has covid-19

Because they're ice-o-lated

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeletedForSpamm
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
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Parents shouldn't have kids after 40.

I mean, 40 kids is probably already too many.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoorHalfwayShut
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
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"Dad, can you do my math homework for me?"

"No son, it wouldn't be right."

"Well, at least you could try."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2017
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Breaddit
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2018
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In an unreflective mood right now.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rubbernipple
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2019
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As a dyslexic, having autocorrect is both a blessing and a cruise.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoctorSpurlock
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2014
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Five friends were sitting around, debating which Pixar movie is the greatest

After a few hours of debate, no one was willing to concede, and it was decided that a vote must be held. Unfortunately, with so few friends present, it was clear that they would need to bring the vote to the greater public. The group decided that each friend would make a plea to the subreddit of their choice, and whoever received the most karma for it would win.

Adam, already undecided himself, decided to go to /r/AskReddit. He laid out the agreement, and asked that everyone vote one their favorite movie, and the one with the most votes he would use for the his friends. Unfortunately, as the votes were split in that sub, his highest post amounted to a mere 38 points.

Paul, a big proponent for the Toy Story franchise, posted to /r/nostalgia in the hopes that everyone who grew up with Toy Story would agree. Unfortunately, as there had been two sequels (with a third on the way) it wasn't exactly considered "nostalgia" and he got downvoted into oblivion.

Bill, who loved Monsters Inc., made his case using some trickery. Going to /r/news, he found a seemingly unrelated post, and made a top-level comment describing, in great detail, why Monsters Inc. was the greatest film of all time. The fact that the post was so out of context made everyone flock to it, and drew enough attention to new him over a thousand fake internet points.

Mike, who loved the Incredibles movies, decided to stay in his wheelhouse. Over the course of several hours, he created each of the family members from the Incredibles in Soulcaliber VI. Finally, he photoshopped the family together, and posted it to /r/gaming. Under normal circumstances this would have skyrocketed to the top, but the format was stale, and thus only received 20k karma. Still, Mike was confident in his victory.

While the other four friends came up with plans on how to maximize their karma gains, Chris sat silently. For hours he sat, making no posts, coming up with no original content. Finally, an hour before the deadline, he broke into his neighbor's house, stealing his copy of the Pixar movie "Up". He took a picture of his theft and posted it directly to /r/dadjokes with the title "STOLEN".

When the group got together the next day to see who got the most votes, everyone was in awe. Chris's post had over 40,000 points. "How did you know that would win?" "Easy," Chris replied. "Everyone knows stolen content on /r/dadjokes gets all the Up votes."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
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Not a dad, and I hope this isn't a bad one!

Say, a certain age demographic has a fascination with pandas fighting in boxing rings. If a movie studio takes note of this and shoves an unrelated, random panda-in-a-boxing-ring scene in their movie, would it be seen as...

Pande-ring?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VZmatthews
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
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My son splashed soup all over my wife at dinner...

... After we cleaned the mess, because he thought it was party time not dinner time, my wife was sitting, defeated, on the couch lamenting having a rowdy toddler. She was listing all the things that could be different if he was calmer (the kid is always full-throttle and smart as fuck, I love it but it's a lot to handle) including not stinking like soup. I look into her eyes, hold her hands in mine, lift her chin up and said:

"Baby, I love you. You smell super."

In unrelated news, sleeping on the couch is better than advertised.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/greymalken
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2017
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Did you hear about the man who climbed mountains in north pole and south pole?

He was bi-polar.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pursuitofstumble
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2016
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Dad joke in ER

Last night, my girlfriend's grandma was admitted to a nearby hospital for a heart rhythm abnormality. The admitting physician was a great guy, and concluded his admission assessment with a spontaneous, and entirely unrelated, dad joke.

"Did you hear about the two burglars who stole a calendar? They each got six months."

He promptly dropped his stethoscope and left. Boom.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2014
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So have you ever had something just right in front of you and you just wanted to eat it?

on an unrelated note i lost my job as a gynecologist today...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_TheGamingBT
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2017
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My wife is making a wreath from a garland.

After the third time the garland broke from her pulling it through the wreath form, she complained. I said , β€œHoney, it can’t be helped , it lacks tinsel strength β€œ.

On an unrelated note, I have lost eggnog privileges for the duration of the day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/altkarlsbad
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2017
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Not a dad just yet but I'm basically ready...

Me during an unrelated conversation: Oh you don't even fucking know Friend: whoa, language! Me: I'm speaking English... but excuse my French.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tHeWiSeGuY619
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2017
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Nailed a customer today

A customer at the major retail corporation I work at picked up our ad while I was cashing him out. Tried to pull one on me...

"they call it a doorbuster sale and there's not a single door in this ad! "

"That's because we busted them all, sir"

Completely straight faced. He walked away laughing his ass off. On an unrelated note I think my girlfriend may be pregnant.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hepatitisbees
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2015
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Probably the best, original joke my family has heard from me

We were eating dinner and my brother was talking about an old high school teacher of his: "she called it herstory instead of history because she thought that the important parts of the past were about women instead of men."
Lightbulb.jpg
"So wait, does that mean she calls it a HERsterectomy instead of a HISterectomy?"

A beat goes by.

My dad broke the silence with "Ginganinja888, where did you get that from?"
Proudly grinning, I say, "I just came up with it."
Dad: "Oh God, even worse."

Unrelated notes

Calling it herstory is dumb because history actually stems from Greek and is in fact not a conspiracy to place men at the center of all important events.
I know I spelled hysterectomy wrong, it was to highlight the joke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ginganinja888
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2015
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Who is Everything?

A coworker is leaving for a one-month vacation and he's having a hell of a time finishing things up with our drones before he leaves. Unrelatedly, he's starting to grow bored of my bad jokes.

Co: "Man, screw these quads, I hate everything."

Me: "Who is Everything? I haven't met him, does he work here? Either way, you should apologize, you probably hurt his feelings."

Co: "Really man? I'm really not going to miss this next month."

Me: "Apologize to This, you probably hurt his feelings too."

Coworker groaned and was silent for the next ten minutes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nick30075
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2016
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IRRELEPHANT

Anything unrelated to elephants is... IRRELEPHANT.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NautiBoppi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
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