Last night, I tried sticking a torch to my scalp.

It made me feel very light- headed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bbew_Mot
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2021
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It's true what they say about scaring vampires with a torch.

You can see it in their fright of light response.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/praisethelort
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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I like how they light the Olympic torch near Athens, then it stays lit all the way to the opening ceremony.

I guess it's hard to put out a Greece fire.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CheeseheadDave
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2018
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My son just became a father for the first time today and in passing on the paternal torch...

...when he asked me where I kept all my dad jokes, I told him that they were stored in my dadabase.…

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2018
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Passing the Dad joke torch

I was describing to my family a weed I'd found in the garden, which had a "strong herbal smell." My daughter (3), who loves to joke about words, grinned and said, "Turtle smell?"

My mother, to engage with her, said, "How does a turtle smell?"

My father and I answered in perfect unison: "With its nose!"

It felt like a significant moment in my growth as a dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bondjimbond
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2018
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A torch was passed from my father to me last weekend.

I grew up in Northern California and have visited the Monterey Bay Aquarium a few times as a kid.

Every. Goddam. Time. My dad would pause in front of the jellyfish tank and say "You kids think these are cool, wait till you see the peanut butter fish. Maybe they will make you a sandwich."

So on saturday my mom and dad accompanied me and my family there for the first time in years. When we got to the jellyfish I was ready, and beat my dad to the punch. My three year old thought I was serious of course, but my five year old daughter is pretty sharp and she called me out.

My dad leaned down and congratulated her for not being duped. He then said "Let's go check out the tuna tank." My daughter got excited and said "They have TUNA?!"

Grinning, my dad said "Yes sweetheart, and just like at Red Lobster, you get to pick which one you want and they will make you a sandwich."

The old man has still got it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/robinson217
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2015
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Carrying the torch

My dad would always make up a reason to apologize to pretty women, no matter what the setting was.

Dad: "sorry about that."

Pretty Lady: "oh, you're fine"

Dad, nonchalant shrug: "thanks, I appreciate compliments"

Reactions were diverse, and often uncomfortable, but every time he walked away chuckling.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/harrysnitzel
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2016
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The torch has been passed

At dinner last night, my stepmom was trying to remember something and said to us "What's the name of that book...?"

And my dad and I, in perfect unison, asked "The Bible?"

Truly, the torch has passed to a new generation.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2013
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Bought a house with a shed and found a lot of old tiki torches!

Score! I got free antique-y torches!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HappyRamenMan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
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I can't stand this dude!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AristonD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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Torched
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πŸ‘€︎ u/djnipe
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
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I ran out of torches while stripmining in Minecraft

It's a situation not to be made light of

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
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Tiki Torches imgur.com/LjvKr5v
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BucketsOShea
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2017
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The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
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If your a heavy lifter at the gym stay away from torches

They're quite light weight

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πŸ‘€︎ u/deadspaceracoon
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2018
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My Dad works for a welding supplier, so heres his welding dad joke

A guy was cutting with an acetylene torch when suddenly there is a break in the line. The acetelyne starts shooting up his arm and a stray spark ignites it. His arm bursts into flame. He starts running around the shop waving his arm around while it's on fire until someone hits him with the fire extinguisher.

After the fire is out and the EMT's arrive, the police are there taking statements from the witnesses. When the officer finishes this, he pulls out his handcuffs, goes over to the burned guy on the ground, pushes the EMT out of the way, and arrests the burned guy.

When he brings the guy to the station, the chief asks him why he arrested this guy when he clearly needs medical attention. The officer responded by saying "He was waving a firearm in public"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Better_Devil
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
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There was once a priest who went to see the world after taking his oath....

After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.

Many years passed by like that.

At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.

With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:

  • Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.

A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger’s hand and immediately he asked:

  • Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasn’t in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didn’t even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:

  • Thank you

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doty152
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
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I found a bunch of old jokes I made if you want to read them.

What do you call a boat that can sell you something. A sails man. My friend asked for something to write with, I said β€œpen or pencil”. He said it depens. I went to a fan contest. The winner blew away the competition. My friend got married to a torch. You could say she was the light of his life. After going through these jokes I now hate myself.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gutted-melon
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2019
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I got locked in a room that was on fire.

It was torch-ure.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2019
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My neighbour is an Olympian and I secretly really fancy her so I'm helping her out at the opening ceremony...

I'm carrying a torch for her.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeardFM
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2017
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If I was the owner of a retail store...

I'd put the torches in the darkest part of the shop.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2018
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Pad your repertoire with these
  1. ARBITRAITOR A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's
  2. BERNADETTE The act of torching a mortgage.
  3. BURGLARIZE What a crook sees through
  4. AVOIDABLE What a bullfighter tries to do
  5. EYEDROPPER Clumsy ophthalmologist
  6. CONTROL A short, ugly inmate.
  7. COUNTERFEITER Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
  8. ECLIPSE What an English barber does for a living.
  9. LEFT BANK What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money.
  10. HEROES What a man in a boat does
  11. PARASITES What you see from the Eiffel Tower
  12. PARADOX Two physicians
  13. PHARMACIST A helper on a farm
  14. POLARIZE What penguins see through
  15. PRIMATE Remove your spouse from in front of TV
  16. RELIEF What trees do in the spring
  17. RUBERNECK What you do to relax your wife
  18. SELFISH What the owner of a seafood store does
  19. SUDAFED Brought litigation against a government official
  20. PARADIGMS 20 cents
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πŸ‘€︎ u/David_Crockett
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2014
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Dad was watching a TV show on space and dark matter..

Dad: I think I'm going to look for dark matter.

Me: Okay then Dad.

Dad: I guess I shouldn't take a torch with me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ghostunicorn
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2015
🚨︎ report
My son just became a father for the first time today…

And in passing on the paternal torch, when he asked me where I kept all my dad jokes, I told him…they were stored in my dadabase.…

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2017
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My dad just e-mailed me a list of definitions:
  1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds

  2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tries to do

  3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage

  4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with

  5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate

  6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

  7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living

  8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist

  9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does

  10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money

  11. MISTY: How golfers create divots

  12. PARADOX: Two physicians

  13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower

  14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm

  15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with

  16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV

  17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring

  18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife

  19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does

  20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SnideRemarkDept
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2013
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