I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
...I fell on my awt supplies and it went stwaight up my wectum"
It was very illuminating.
Now it's my time to shine.
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? He was charged with battery
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
...would I get arrested and charged with an assault with battery charge?
but instead, I was delighted.
" Really, Honey?"
“Depends on how fast you carry the flashlight.”
Those were dark days...
My dad says, "She loves it, her face just lights up when she plays with it!"
I said, "Yes, that's because it's a flashlight."
The look of pride on his face and the groaning made the last 30 years worth it.
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
but the only way out was from the roof. They got up there, before realizing they didn’t have any rope. One guy says, “Oh yeah! I’ve got a flashlight! Ill point it to the ground and you can climb down the beam.” The other guy says, “What, am I crazy? I’d get half way down and you’d turn it off!”
Two guys at the funny farm. One guy says, “We can get out of here.”
The other guy says, “We can?”
He says, “Yes.”
The other guy says, “How?”
The first guy says, “I’ve got a big flashlight. Tonight we’ll come out to the wall, I’ll throw the light up against the wall, and you climb up the beam.”
The guy says, “You really think I’m nuts, don’t you? I know what you’d do! I’d get halfway up, you’d shut it off!”
(Editor’s note: Batman fans will recognize this as the final joke in The Killing Joke).
http://red-skelton.info/articles/jokes/two-guys-at-the-funny-farm/
I’m telling all of the attendees that if they have a flashlight, now is their time to shine.
We were talking about our upcoming camping trip this morning:
Mom - I think I have a flashlight lying around somewhere.
Me - But headlamps are really where it's at if you;re camping.
Mom - But then I couldn't drink...
Me - wha...why not?
Mom - 'Cause I'd be a miner.
She had to hang up on me because she was cry-laughing at work.
Son: Daddy, what is this? Daddy: It's a flashlight. Son: Yeah, it's not heavy, because its light.
My dad told me this spooky Halloween story when I was young, I remembered it today and thought I would share it:
On one spooky Halloween night, a man decided to travel to the graveyard all by himself, armed with only a flashlight, and a thirst for adventure. He scoured the graveyard in search of ghosts, but after a long time searching, was disappointed that he couldn’t find one.
Just when he was beginning to get disheartened, he heard this awful sound from behind! The sound was deep, scratchy, and bellowing. It was the distinct sound of a coffin! The man was terrified. Naturally, he took off running! But No matter how far or fast he ran, he couldn’t escape the coffin. Everywhere he went, the coffin roared, deep, scratchy, and bellowing.
Just when he could run no more, he found himself trapped. The coffin closed in on him, getting louder and louder as it approached.
So what did he do?
He did what any man would do in this situation! He pulled out his Vick’s 44d cough syrup and stopped that awful coffin!
What did they call the Flash after he lost 20lbs? Flashlight!
Eat a flashlight
We have a dog.
He does his business in a pen.
This pen needs to be cleaned out often because this dog is slightly touched in the head and has a habit of stepping in his own feces.
On the regular.
So... it's been getting dark out before I get home and I haven't had a chance to stay on top of the task.
Last night I grab a very small flashlight and go out to the pen to do a quick poop pickup.
2 minutes later I came back in the house, slammed the flashlight on the table and proclaimed to the rest of my family "I CAN'T SEE SHIT WITH THIS LIGHT"
dadjokes are all the better when you are the only one laughing.
I live with my girlfriend, we had some friends over who were married and had a kid. This little baby had found an L.E.D flashlight and started chewing on it.
Me: "Don't let him chew on that.. He might get LED poisoning"
I couldn't control my laughter
And she said, "I want to pack light." and I responded with, "Okay, you're going to need some flashlights, a lantern, and a few packs of matches..." The groaning was endless.
My father told me this when I was young. He grew up on a farm back in the 40's and 50's and for the longest time they had an outhouse that was their primary bathroom. One night he was sitting in there taking a crap when he hears a voice coming from below him. It was saying very quietly "If the log rolls over, we will die". He is sitting their puzzled but he keeps hearing it over and over again "If The Log Rolls Over We Will Die"...
Now he starts to freak out so he wipes himself and runs inside and grabs the flashlight off the counter and comes back out to check it out. Only now, it is louder and more frantic If The Log Rolls Over We Will Die.
He crept up to the toilet hole, turned on the flashlight and slowly peered over the edge of the toilet and what he saw scared the hell out of him...
It was a bunch of ants sitting on a turd and chanting If The Log Rolls Over We Will Die
My dad told me this the first time on Halloween night back when I was 9. He tells it to this day to any of my cousins, nephews, or any kids that happen to linger too long at the house when he's giving out candy. It's a long one but I have always enjoyed it.
Back when I was about your age, I went on a Halloween adventure. There was an old abandoned house on our street where a series of grisly axe murders had taken place years before. The house had never sold and was left vacant and was left to fall apart. There was a local legend that if you went into the house on Halloween night, you'd be confronted by the ghost of the murderer himself, still looking for more victims to add to his terrifying story.
My friend Tom and I decided to go through with it one year. Knowing everyone would be too terrified to go into the house, we snuck in easily on Halloween night. The place was falling apart inside, the carpet was wet and moldy and the wallpaper was peeling off everywhere. We headed down carefully to the basement down a set of creaky stairs.
At first we found nothing. Just an empty creepy old house. Suddenly we felt as if we were being watched. I was looking through one of the rooms in the large basement when I suddenly heard Tom shriek. I spun around and turned my flashlight and Tom was being chased by something, no someone. It looked like it was the murderer! A crazed man with an axe!
We turned and tried to run anywhere. We were in the basement but couldn't get up the stairs because we were blocked. We ran into the side room which looked like it might have been the laundry years ago. We locked the door and looked for a way out. The only thing we could find was a small window that opened onto ground level. As I climbed out I heard a pounding on the door. I managed to wriggle my way through the window and turned around to help my friend Tom. Panicking, he managed to get his top half through the window when I noticed the pounding stop.
Tom was stuck! I kept trying to pull him up but I couldn't. I pulled as hard as I could as Tom panicked and thrashed even more. I thought something had him caught, but it was even worse. The murderer had gotten behind him and was holding him back! He was too strong for me to overcome and he was pulling Tom's leg!
Just like I've been pulling yours this whole time.
He had found a flashlight on his bike ride when this happened http://imgur.com/BgSjzfD
Last night my fiance went out to sit in chair to smoke. It was dark, so she felt her way to the handle, turned and sat down. The chair was on the other side of her, so she fell.
The next time she went out, she found the post-it note I put on the chair (she used a flashlight this time) that said:
"I noticed you missed me, so I just wanted to say 'hi' "
I got hit upside the head for this one.
She is charged with assault, and the flashlight is charged with battery.
