A list of puns related to "The Hospitals"
I can’t believe I’ve been pronouncing it wrong all this time.
Edit: this joke was straight up stolen from professional comedian Nick Nemeroff. I heard it on the radio so I didn’t have his name handy and thought it was awesome for this sub and had to post it before I forgot it. Thanks to Nick for commenting here below so that I could give him credit.
Father: "So, how does it feel being a dad?"
Son: "It feels good. I'm a bit scared of course, but so excited at the same time. How does it feel being a grandfather?"
Father: "It feels pretty great. You've always been a good son and I've been patiently waiting for this special moment. There's something now that I have to give you."
The son watches curiously as his father pulls a large tome out of his backpack with exquisite text on the cover: 'The Big Book of Dad Jokes'.
Father: " For generations these sacred texts have been passed down through the patriarchs of our family. My father gave it to me when you were born and now, as a new father yourself, I bestow it to you. With this book you will have all the knowledge needed to become a truly great Dad."
Son: " Wow, Dad, this is amazing! Truly! I'm... I'm honored."
The father smiles as he extends his arm out to shake his son's hand and says,
"Nice to meet you, Honored. I'm Dad."
I guess you could say there were pirates of the Care-I-Be-In.
Fortunately he is alive but is still in a korma.
We named him Carson.
I had to climb out of the sunroof.
That explained the stains next to it.
in the amBOOlance
Now she’s in the ICU
A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
In a hambulance.
She gave birth to a boy and a girl but the delivery was very intense and she went into coma for a few days. When she woke up the doctor told her about the twins and that as she was in coma for long, her brother named the kids. She said,"Oh God! Not my brother, he is a stupid idiot."
The doctor told her that he named the girl Denise and her mother said,"well that's not too bad, what about my son?"
The doctor replied the boy is named DeNephew.
Her face went red and her cheeks swelled up making her look just like a tomato.
After the nurse and my wife finished talking about her reaction, I just couldn’t help but blurt our “well, you are what you eat”
My wife eye rolled, the nurse just looked at me with a deadpan face and said “well done” and walked off.
We named him Carson
I chime in, "Sounds like MILKroeconomics 101."
This place is back wards.
Plastic surgery!
He replied, "I thought the front lines were here."
He was looking really upset. I asked him what was wrong.
"I've got the big C" he said, a tear rolling down his cheek.
"Oh no, cancer?" I asked, gently.
"No, dyslexia."
Manager: what did the doctor say to the woman’s family? Me: after thinking ...yea I’m not sure Manager: “she was ALL RIGHT.” Me: oh, I thought you were going to say “There’s nothing LEFT.” The manager at work got a kick out of that because that was an answer he has never gotten before lol figured I’d post it here.
Manuele
Now that's what I call a loco-motive.
The doctors tell me he tested positive for Corvid-19.
It’s not much, but it’s a rewarding job
My girlfriend was really sick and the doctors said she urgently needed a blood transfusion. They asked me what her blood type was, but I had no idea. I frantically tracked my brain, trying to remember if she'd told me. She must have sensed my panic, because she looked up at me and with her final breath said, "Be positive. Be positive" She's right, though I will miss her.
He was pronounced Dad On Arrival
The I. C. U.
I’m trying to spark a joke about it, but it’s not helping
Get whale soon
Because it was feeling crumby.
They give you the coroner office.
...because he had a little staff (staph).
Suture self!
I was ecstatic, I’ve always wanted to know how to play.
“Is he ok?” “He’s all right.”
The hip replacement guy!
So they joined a labor union.
At the time we were thinking of naming him Carson.
The ultrasound guy
So I pushed her under a bus
A kool-aid
In an am-boo-lance
The hip Doctor!
He never recovered
The man says “no thanks, just a regular doctor please”
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
The ultra sound guy.
When he's not at work it's the hip replacement guy.
Because his bulb is sore!
>!Bulbasaur!<
Apparently they have a rule where your bps must be zero over zero or infinity over infinity.
It's morphine time.
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks
Nothing he was just born 2 hours ago
.. ...just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
It must be astronomical!
I said "But she has a great personality."
To get tweetment.
Manuel
... he was on a fairway to heaven.
The ICU
He snapped
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
The sick beet
Drop a sick beet
They billed us twice.
I mean, the gall...
Because someone dropped a sick beet
As we were walking in people kept staring because Dad wouldn't stop yelling. He kept shouting,"A, E, I, O, U!" After he met with the doctor, we got the diagnosis.. Apparently he had lost all control of his vowels..
because he felt crumby
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
A nurse asked her what's wrong, and my wife screamed, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"
The nurse shook her head and said, "I'm sorry…I don't understand."
My wife's face contorted in pain as she shouted, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"
The nurse, bewildered, turned the doctor.
"Admit her," the doctor said. "She's having contractions."
I told the Doctor I wasn't peeling well.
Because we’re patient
His condition is stable now.
The ultrasound guy
We named our child Carson
The ultrasound guy
The ultrasound guy!
The I.C.U.
The hip Doctor!
Her husband named the kid Carson
The hip Doctor!
The hip Doctor!
The hip Doctor!
The hip replacement guy
The hip consultant
the ultrasound guy
The ultrasound guy
.........but when he's off sick, it's the hip replacent guy
His name is Carson
I had to climb out of the sunroof.
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