Dad initiation joke... When my wife and son were discharged by the hospital after he was born, they said we have to get a pediatric appointment within the next few days. They said they usually fit new borns in.

I said, they absolutely have space- he’s only 20 inches and 6 lbs. [holding my hands up showing how small he is].

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ACSchnitzersport
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
A baggage handler couldn’t understand how he caught COVID 19 but was discharged from hospital the next day.

The Doctor told him it was a brief-case.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/elliottcrawford69
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
The sign in the hospital parking garage said Patient Discharge.

That explained the stains next to it.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IamREBELoe
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Conjunctivitis.com

Now that’s a site for sore eyes!

πŸ‘︎ 282
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
You know what they say about hindsight!
πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rejectedtuna
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My first official dad joke!!!

So my 1st Born came into this world on Monday night and we were discharged on Thursday. Upon leaving our room, we were given a metal cart to place our belongings on including our son (in his car seat). As we made our way to the garage, I noticed that when the cart was rolling his car seat would rock a bit. I took this opportunity to exclaim β€œhey (son’s name) you’re really rockin’ β€˜n’ rollin’ now.” My wife then truly realized what is in store for her.

πŸ‘︎ 532
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/do_it-to_it
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
🚨︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call sperm from a cheating soldier?

Dishonorable discharge.

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/New-Kekistan
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What do guns, vaginas, hospitals, and war crimes have in common?

discharge.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Grandviewsurfer
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Two electrons

Two electrons are talking to each other

The first one points to a proton and says "Do you want that charge?"

The second one points to an antiproton and says "No, discharge"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anti-charizard
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do sick horses go to?

The horse-pital

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nabsfaz
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Pearl Harbor of puns

If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?

I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?

China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.

I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?

I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.

I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.

I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"

I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".

If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?

If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?

My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.

I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.

Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.

Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.

You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"

A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PraetorSolaris
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
🚨︎ report
My nurse just shook her head.

A patient came to the ER with a rash that she had been scratching for a few days. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.

I said "Wow. You're really ... itching to get out of here."

Silence, then groans. Just the response I was looking for.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Smeeee
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2015
🚨︎ report
As I was taking care of a patient today...

...and I was attempting to start an IV on him, I begin explaining what I'm about to do. Now, he's a Dentist, so he's been through all this before. So, as I finish my usual explanation, I slip in, "But you already know the drill."

Cue his laughter, and a groan from his wife.

Not a Dad, but I think I'd be good at it...

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iSpccn
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2015
🚨︎ report
I’m ashamed I never thought of it

True story: today at work, I was getting ready to discharge a patient from the recovery room after surgery, and I asked β€œhow do you feel?”

Without hesitation he replied β€œwith my fingers” and the old guy in the next bay chuckled and yelled β€œgood one!”

πŸ‘︎ 55
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/USMC0317
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2018
🚨︎ report
A little boy walked in on his dad..

A little boy walked in on his dad working on the PC, his tools scattered about, and a few internal components laying on an ESD(electrostatic discharge) mat.

The little boy went to pick up a part, and asked his dad, " What are those pointy things on the bottom?"

"They're pins."

"Wow, there's a lot of them. How many do they have?"

"Well, there's a few different types, so it depins."

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hentaisianbloke
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine was kicked out of the army because his wound leaked onto the sergeants uniform.

It was a dishonourable discharge.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/procrastiprov
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2018
🚨︎ report
The marine instructor told us to stand down at the firing range, so I unloaded my weapon.

Yes, it was a strange time to masturbate and eventually lead to my dishonorable discharge.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2019
🚨︎ report
She was only the Admiral's daughter,

but her naval base was full of discharged seamen.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MilPens
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2016
🚨︎ report
Hello my favorite joke reddit, I need your help...

I always appreciated subtle and "ohmygod," "did he really mean.." response enducing jokes from here.. now, my friend is getting discharged from Army after 3 years of service, and i would like to make a video for him. But i would like to crack some jokes on it too; but i cant seem to find an angle. Can y'all help a brother out?

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/working_corgi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2015
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.