Thankful Puns

Actually she just sits around, smokes weed all day and never calls me, but a Dad can dream.

He said "Don't mansion it."

Especially the episode when Joey and Chandler get a duck.

... because "meteor bath" sounds like it would be devastating

A Thanxalotl.

... but I'm alright nnnNNAAAAAWWWOOOOOOOOOO-AOW-AOW-AWWWOOOOOOOOOOOooooooo!

(Told this to my wife when we were walking through a city at night with a full moon and she actually ran off at full speed, leaving me stood there feeling like a moron...)

Turns out he really appreciates the scent of mint.

My parents were on one of their first dates back in the day driving down the highway. They passed a sign that said "Plant Entrance"

Dad - "But..where do the people go in?"

Mom still groans to this day when she tells it. She should've known she was doomed

My friend's dad just dropped this: "We should take a walk through the cemetery and be thankful we're not there."

I just wanted to thank everyone here. My mom has been in the hospital with the virus and being able to send her jokes from here has made her laugh (we both really like puns!) so I just wanted to thank y’all for the fun jokes you post. I know it doesn’t seem like much but it has been very nice to be able to share them with her!

Edit: thank you so much for the awards and well wishes! I 100% did not expect this to blow up like it did and I’m so glad for y’all’s support!!

It really means a lot.

“Don’t mention it.”

Every morning when I email my team their daily tasks, I include a joke from this sub. and I appreciate you all so I can try to make everyone laugh a little before rough work at a hospital. So thanks dads!

Blew!

...never a crossword...

Ramen.

The pleasure was all mine.

He said it was his pleasure.

For supporting me. My arms, for always being by my side. And my fingers, I could always count on them.

So it was only a minor minor miner issue.

Arigatoad

It was a merci killing.

Why

This isn't a dad joke. This is a thank you to everyone on this subreddit. 6 weeks ago the love of my life broke things off with me due to factors attributed to my mental health (which i didn't tell her about because she is struggling with uni and i didn't want her to worry) and I've been having an extremely difficult time coming to terms with it. She's falling for another guy while I've been self destructing to the point where she never wants to talk to me again. But i found this subreddit today, the jokes are so stupid and funny that for the first time since before the breakup, I've laughed and it was genuine. Thank you so much for your stupid jokes. You've saved my life as far as I'm concerned. I still have a long way to to, but this subreddit is definitely going to get me through it. Thank you 💖

... And came home to us a seasoned Veteran.

Edit : To use a war pun.. " Wow, this really blew up " ...Thanks to all for contributing to this bit of fun. I feel like Granddad now with all the medals.

I told her to study hard.

But for real. We are trying for our first and need good vibes.

Edit it is a parent all my jokes are now dad jokes Edit 2: thank you all! This made my wife's day since were waiting to tell family

https://preview.redd.it/ya305u7eczz41.jpg?width=828&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=1574126af1c2bf6fd5d897de380d5226a22f1a93

I’ll beheading there shortly

Edit: Thanks for the silver. My first ever award!

Beer nuts are just over five dollars, deer nuts are only under a buck.

Imagine how boring quarantine would be if he hadn't invented Windows.

Son: what did the fig say to the table?

Me: I don't know, what did the fig say to the table?

Son, angry voice: Hey! I'm asking the questions here. You FIG-ure it out.

Edit: thanks for the silver, I'll tell the boy in the morning!

Edit 2: explained to my son about the up votes and awards. When he heard that someone spent real money to congratulate him for the joke, he said he bets it was his grandparents. He's excited y'all enjoyed it.

Because pepper would make them sneeze!

She's six. She's awesome.

EDIT: Woo highest rated post, thanks to my kid. Also, I never said she wrote it! She just told it to me. So there.

Duplikate

1

That would have been real crumby.

Edit: thanks for the gifts! I’ve never felt so kneaded.

My 2 year old has cereal in her snack cup and just showed me that there was a piece of cereal in her sleeve. I said, "Looks like you got some tricks up your sleeve." GUESS WHAT KIND OF CEREAL SHE WAS EATING!.....IT WAS TRIX!
Edit: Thanks for my first gold!

... so they can beat the crowds!

Edit: Wow, this is now my second highest upvoted post ever, and it's not even my own joke! Totally should have credited the video I saw this in: https://www.reddit.com/r/PublicFreakout/comments/h8btkp/protester_has_a_joke_for_the_police_officers/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

Thanks for the laughs and great comment threads, Reddit :)

It means a lot to me.

He replies " You're whale cum!"

Or are you covered?

You could be due compensation. Contact the Pro-Claimers now!

Cause that's when the steaks are highest.

Edit: Well this is rare, I wasn't sure how well done this joke was. Thanks for the face palm.

I can’t believe I’ve been pronouncing it wrong all this time.

Edit: this joke was straight up stolen from professional comedian Nick Nemeroff. I heard it on the radio so I didn’t have his name handy and thought it was awesome for this sub and had to post it before I forgot it. Thanks to Nick for commenting here below so that I could give him credit.

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis (edited, thanks kind friends for the correction!)

We de-Liver

It means a lot.

Not on my watch.

It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed.

Edits: Thanks for all the awards!

A pandemic without dem would lead to Panic

”

The panda holds up his hands and says “I was born with them”

Where are umana-s? 😅

The decision was a piece of cake.

Or we'd all be sorry

Than a joke of a dad.

Only a fraction of you will understand that

Edit: I see this joke has been quite divisive! Thank you to everyone who made this joke a thousand times better in the comments, you're all amazing, and thank you for the awards!

“No thanks, I’m stuffed!"

But I shut him down immediately because I'm well aware that it's the past tense of seahorse

Thanks

Because they're all not 'C's.

It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquillity and normality following the recent pandemic.

Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week.

EDIT: Thank you so much for my first award!

"Thanks, man," he replied, "I've been practising a lot."

Thanks for nothing.

(If this has been done, im very sorry.)

Thankfully he quacked under the pressure...

"A cure for procrastination!"

"When do we want it?"

"Tomorrow."

It must be viral.

Edit: OMG Thank you for the gold, kind stranger!

"In the River!..."

1forrest1

Thanks for nothing

She said "thanks it's from swimming." I said "too bad you didn't dip your face in."

But you will have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.

Edit: Thanks for the gold!

I said, “Thanks. That means a lot to me.”

She said "thanks". I said "don't mention it"

I said: “Please don’t mention it.”

It means a lot

It means a lot.

It really means a lot!