I must have 10 New Order records but I only ever seem to play one of them.

I have a serious Substance abuse problem

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πŸ‘€︎ u/John_Badman_
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
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I saw this come across the ticker at a sports bar I work at.

What is a sharks favorite illegal substance?

>!Reefer!<

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shooception
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
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I made the mistake of drinking the liquid from a scientist’s test tube.

It was a vial substance.

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
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My girlfriend dropped this one on me

I've been having some diarrhoea troubles lately, and after another long toilet visit I was delighted to tell her it was starting to get more substance, and becoming less fluid.

She simply replied: I'm glad you're getting your shit together.

Yes, she's still chuckling about it.

EDIT: Whoa, this blew up more than I expected! Thank you all :D I'll be sure to let her read the replies!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mad_like_hatter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2016
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The dad joke doctrine

Groanism; like monism, but with even less substance.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImJesusBro
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2019
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The driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, and ploughed into an empty toll booth, smashing it to pieces.

He didn’t want to get in trouble s o he stopped his truck got out and started to pick up each broken piece of the wreckage and spread a creamy substance on it. Then he began fitting the pieces together. In less than 10 minutes, he had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new. The toll manager came up to him, impressed and said, β€œWow you fixed that fast! What was that stuff you used to stick all the pieces together?”
β€œOh”, said the man, β€œjust a bit of Tollgate booth pasteβ€œ

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2018
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Why is the night sky filled with stars?

If it was filled with regular people, we'd have something of substance up there, and gravity would go to shit.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2016
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Dad Joke 2: The Long Con

My SO noticed a black substance on his car's exhaust tip- carbon from the engine. He touched my nose with it and it stuck. He got as much as he could off, but about 15 minutes later his dad pointed out that there was still some left. I worked at it a little, then wrapped my arms around my SO's shoulder. His dad: "I guess you could say you guys are carbon dating.

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BusinessGoat
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2015
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