... and stumbled across a naked woman. She started flirting with me, so I asked her if she was game.
She replied yes, so I shot her.
Sir.
TEN GUAGE
Because if you encounter a deer who has a shotgun, it's best to just leave them alone.
Cantaloupe
It was two triggered.
And bragging to all my friends that I am a Mail Escort.
I asked him if he could hear the ocean in them
A “can’t-elope”
A blunderbust!
I know, right? With that level of demand, you’d think they’d be called “sawed-after.”
Son: "What? Yes, totally!"
Dad (turns to look at mother tenderly): "I think she's a lovely and beautiful woman, a good wife to me, and a good mother to you."
Son: sigh.
It's hard to gauge.
It was a shotgun wedding.
Your handbrake. (I could almost see the irritating smoke coming from her nostrils.)
cantaloupe
What comes before a shotgun marriage?
En-gauge-ment
The farmer sits on his porch with his shotgun across his lap.
The first boy arrives and says, "Evening sir, my name is Freddy, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna eat spaghetti, is she ready?"
The farmer looks the boy over, and says "sure sure, go on in"
The second boy arrives, and says, "Howdy sir, my name is Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're gonna see the show, is she ready to go?"
The farmer looks down at his shotgun, then back at Joe, and says "sure sure, go on in, she's ready"
The third boy arrives, and says, "Good evening sir, my name is Chuck..." KER-BLAM!
But my HOA informed me that they don't allow sod-off shotguns.
How did the mathematician kill himself?
With a hypote-shotgun
We’re gonna have a BB!
My dad was riding shotgun while my brother was making repeated futile attempts to pull his Suburban into a narrow parking space. Dad turned around to me, looked me in the eye and deadpanned, "He's got parking son's disease".
One day, the cow left a fake skeleton in the field, and the farmer thought the cow got torn apart by wild beasts. Sighing as he dropped his shotgun, he said,"Great. How am I gonna have beef with you?"
He was driving; I was sitting shotgun. The moon in the sky was just a tiny sliver. I pondered out loud that "I wonder if it's waxing or waning." My dad said "waning? It's not even cwoudy!"
Oh great. More mouths to feed.
(I got a condescending smirk out of my son for that one.)
Sawed-off shotgun
I asked the farmer don’t you shoot horses with broken legs? The farmer said no we shoot them with shotguns
Hello fellow pun connoisseurs,
Friends of mine just recently had a bit of a shotgun wedding. I'm vowing to prepare a statement for them in celebration The bride is particularly fond of puns. While I've been grooming myself for this for some time, any matrimonial/wedding puns that I might consider would be much appreciated. It would be the best, man!
I tried quailing the disturbance with my shotgun, but I was just winging it. Better luck nest time.
I heard some banjo music off in the distance. Some time later, there's a knock at my door. Staring through the peephole, I see two toothless hillbillies. One has a shotgun, the other has a frozen pizza.
Frightened, I barricade myself inside the apartment. I tell them to go away, that I'm calling the police.
That's when one of the hillbillies spoke up and said, "Aw, come on! It's not Deliverance, it's DiGiorno!"
A sod off shotgun.
A shotgun!
I'll never forget when I was riding shotgun while my dad drove, and we were taking my friend Joe home. We had driven these streets hundreds of times, but at this moment, my dad released all these heretofore unheard-of puns.
We took a right on Cambridge Ave.
Dad looks over and stoically says in a gravelly voice with an -- American Indian?? -- accent, "First came iron horse… then came bridge."
Groans.
As we approach Minot Ln., he asks "do I turn here?" and Joe says "yes," to which dad replies "I don't know, Joe, I might, but I minot!"
Groans.
Finally, we make our last turn onto Cheyenne. Dad says with a deliberate, measured cadence, "You know, growing up, all the girls I met were so forward. It was weird. But then I met Shy Anne."
He finished his sentence right as we pulled into Joe's driveway. He put his right hand on the back of my headrest and turned to face us with a wide smile and the glittering, eyes of a puppy that just fetched on command.
Joe said "Thanks, Mr. Smith," and he got out and ran into his house.
My friends Dad got a salt shotgun for Christmas to kill flies with.
Dad: Hey guys, if the cops come to the door and if they ask if we have any weapons, we can tell them we have an A-salt rifle.
A few days ago, I was headed home after dinner with my parents and I was sitting shotgun while my dad was driving. We are coming up to a yellow light at Dublin St. and my dad slams on the breaks to avoid running a red light. I go "Dad you should have floored it, we almost made it through Ireland." I got a fist bump from my ol' man and groan from my mother. Mission accomplished.
Walking to the car yesterday I called "Shotgun!" and my roommate called "AK-47!"
Watching some intense mobster movie with my dad: Two guys come in with shotguns and unload about 10 shots into the don while he's eating really fancy food and drinking wine. Dad looks over. "They'll never get the wine out of that shirt."
Back home yesterday preparing the supper.
Dad pumps a fake shotgun, pulls a fake trigger whilst farting. But the fart was more of a quiet "pfft" so he says, "oh, had the silencer on."
As we approached the minivan:
Me: Shotgun!
Dad: Pistol.
