My wife sent me a heartwarming text that read, β€œIf you're sleeping, send me your dreams. If you're laughing, send me your smile. If you're eating, send me a bite. If you're drinking, send me a sip. If you're crying, send me your tears. I love you!”

I replied, β€œI'm on the toilet, please advise…”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
🚨︎ report
A little sip ?
πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sow-ay
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
This morning I saw the milkman drinking a sip of milk before leaving it in front of my door.

How dairy?!?!

πŸ‘︎ 168
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iTeachClassics
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Sip on this advice
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jwinsome
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
🚨︎ report
What did Julius Ceasar say after a disappointing sip of his overly sweet orange juice?

Meh. Too fruity.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2020
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vroom sip buzz
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/liltrigger
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
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What do this joke and taking a sip of food coloring have in common?

They'll both make you dye a little on the inside.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ahwitz
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2016
🚨︎ report
I asked my friend what they were drinking. They said β€œchamomile” and offered me a sip.

I said β€œNo thanks, that’s not my cup of tea.”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zeewild
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
🚨︎ report
So I just overheard my mom ask my dad for a sip of wine.

His response: β€œOk, Mississippi.”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/samehereagain
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the hipster burn his tongue when he took a sip of his coffee?

He drank it before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheDankerGod
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2017
🚨︎ report
I once tried to drink a whole lake and threw up after few sips.

I guess that I am laketose intolerant.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/funimuni
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2017
🚨︎ report
Sips showing off his best Dad Joke. Uthgerd isn't impressed though. (xpost /r/sips) (@~ :20) youtube.com/watch?v=D3Sj2…
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArgonGryphon
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2013
🚨︎ report
β€œPoor old fool.” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, β€œSo how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, β€œYou’re the eighth.”

πŸ‘︎ 133
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Are they allowed to LOL?
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SailorNebula
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
The girl is the middle of the tennis court

Is Annette

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/robertn361
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a bar after a long day at work.

He sits down, orders a beer, and begins to mull over his day.

After a few minutes he hears a quiet, and high pitched voice say "I like your shirt". He looks around and doesn't see anybody, so he goes back to his drink.

A few sips later he hears the same voice say "You have lovely eyes". He looks around again half expecting to see Alvin the chipmunk, but there is nothing.

After a few more sips, he hears it again, "I bet your parents are real proud of you". Finally he has had enough. He slams his drink down, looks over at the bartender, and says "what the hell is that high pitched voice I am hearing?!"

The bartender looks up and says "Its the peanuts...

They're complimentary."

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smoffatt34920
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
🚨︎ report
What's a Redditor's favorite drink?

MEMEosas

(also pairs well with SaMEMEosas)

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DitMasterGoGo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
Caffeine free? You will still be up all night.

They are just advertising that you do not have to pay extra for the caffeine. It is free.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/saintpetejackboy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call the Queen sipping tea while reading a book?

A novelty

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mrdangwangpang
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I was walking away from McDonald's with my drink sipping from my straw and I heard the lady tell the guy behind me that there were no straws left

This was the last straw

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alpha_Dynamite
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
🚨︎ report
A guy has a rough day and stops at Dick’s Place...

...he tells the owner and bartender that he’s a surgeon down at the hospital and he just wants to forget about everything for awhile.

Dick knows just the thing. He quickly whips up a thick, exotic beverage and places it in front of the worn out doctor. He takes one sip and his eyes light up. β€œWhat IS that?” β€œThat’s my signature almond daiquiri”, Dick tells him. The surgeon tells him it’s delicious, pays his bill and comes back the next day and the next day at the same time for the same thing: An almond daiquiri.

Before long, like clockwork, Dick is able to have it ready for him just before he comes in. But, one day as he is preparing the drink, he realizes that he’s run out of almonds! With no time to lose, he quickly substitutes the almonds with hickory nuts and sets the beverage on the bar.

The surgeon pops in, takes a big gulp, and immediately spits it all over the bar. He looks at the bartender and says, β€œThat’s not an almond daiquiri, Dick!” And Dick says, β€œNo, it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc!”.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/5YearApril
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
You had me in the first half, not gonna lie.
πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stunner19
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
🚨︎ report
2 cannibals

Two cannibal friends were sitting together for lunch. The one asked the other:

"Hey, i heard you and your boyfriend had a big fight last night?"

"Yes, that's right."

"So how are things between you right now?"

"Well... right now..."

The cannibal stopped to take a sip of her tea.

"Right now I'm letting him stew..."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yuxayilan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
As I sat on my chair sipping my cup of tea, my son came out searching for me only to leave the room without seeing me.

As he left I exclaimed, "Man, this InvisibiliTEA is great!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gigler198
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Ground coffee

A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee. The gentleman takes a sip and spits it out.

He turns to the waiter and says, β€œWaiter! This coffee tastes like mud!”

The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the gentleman and says, β€œBut, sir, it’s fresh ground!”

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
🚨︎ report
A man walks into an empty bar, with just the bartender present

He sits down and orders a beer

Then hears a soft voice say "That's a really good color on you"

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone, shrugs, and sips his beer.

Shortly there after he hears another study voice whisper "That's a really nice tie"

Looking at the bartender the man says "Do you hear those voices? Because no one else is here except you and me!"

The bartender says "Oh yeah.. Sorry about that.. Its the peanuts, they are complimentary"

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
🚨︎ report
In what state do you watch a priest, sneeze, and sit down?

massachusetts.

It gets worse. My kids and I have a ton of these for different states. Should it be one thread?

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/christianleft
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2016
🚨︎ report
An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple...all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.

The old man said, they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.

She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered, "THE TEETH!"

πŸ‘︎ 107
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad: Does this milk taste funny.

Kid: sips milk yeah a little.

Dad: frowns Must be clowns milk.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StormtrooperMJS
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Not sure if my daughter's a lawyer or a dad

My daughter asked me to open a bottle of water for her to drink and I did. She took one sip, then started dumping the water onto the floor.

I quickly grabbed the bottle and said, "Hey! That's bad!"

She looked at me and said, "No, it's water."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rosemourne
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2017
🚨︎ report
Got the banker today

Me: signs document

Banker: "Oh, sorry, you also have to swear to the information on this paper"

Me: "Well, that's kinda weird."

Banker: "Yeah, since this is a sworn document, you have to swear. It's weird, I know."

holds up piece of paper and makes a concentrated face

"Fuck!"

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tapeleg91
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2015
🚨︎ report
A very elderly gentleman, mid ninety's, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good aftershave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge…

Seated at the bar is an elderly lady, mid eighties.

The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
🚨︎ report
The Blitz of Puns

It really grinds my gears when people say stick-shift is obsolete.

Most people like their music bass-boosted, but it seems like too much treble.

When an astronaut drinks tea, he takes a big space-sip.

The best electricity puns are live wires. Coppers really don’t know how to resist these in a coil. If you make enough of this type of pun you can really blow their fuses. You need to be smart about how you conduct these so you don’t overload your capacitors.

The only kind of rap I like is the wrapping paper on gifts.

Scissors always cut to the point.

Airplane puns always fly overhead. You have to be careful so you don’t stall out. Always use better judgement so you nose how to dive. When used correctly, this pun classification can really propel to infinity and beyond. However, if misused, the fall from grace is full of turbulence.

When working with electricity puns always make sure to be grounded to prevent shocking results.

Mr. Tea says, ”Don’t be a fool, stay in school!”

i c e i c e w a t e r

Architecture is an aspiring career path.

β€˜Pun’ puns don’t add up. The are starting to get negative receptions.

I’ll do algebra. I’ll even do calculus. But graphing is where I draw the line.

Plants should always rooted in the ground.

Never argue with people when they are right or nobody will be left hanging out with you.

Rocks make boulder moves. This means they are pelite and not jagged. Don’t take these puns for granite.

Cheese puns are grate because you don’t have to ask for parmesan to use them.

Eskimos have cold personality. It is an ice society, but some of their history chills my spine.

My dog died a few years ago. It was really ruff.

I am not a fan of wind turbines.

Life is like driftwood. You never know where you will float.

Christmas lights stick together. When one goes out, they all do.

Puns about communism are only funny if everyone gets them.

Rocket scientists cannot fuel around or something bad can happen.

A baker is someone who kneads to make baked goods.

I sometimes wear stripes to avoid being spotted.

Sponges are great at absorbing liquids.

Contrary to the name, relationships have nothing to do with boats.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zmanofdoom95
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
🚨︎ report
It’s always an exciting time to watch the World Cup.
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ulfer_twoeyes
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2018
🚨︎ report
my boss loves to set me up to say the punchline of a great dad-joke

I love my boss... every few months, my boss and i find ourselves in the break room with a couple other people. He will take a sip of his freshly-poured coffee and loudly say, "ugh, this coffee tastes like MUD" ... and then he looks at me expectantly ... and I dutifully reply "that's because it was just GROUND this morning." The other people within earshot hate us when they realize they have been tag-team dad-joked

πŸ‘︎ 982
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xRVAx
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2015
🚨︎ report
What happened when Steve Miller drank a cup of herbal tea in his time machine?

Thyme kept on sipping...sipping..sipping..into the future..

πŸ‘︎ 576
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/observationstoat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2016
🚨︎ report
A Doctor always stopped at a local bar after work for a hazelnut daiquiri - a special drink the bartender created just for him.

One day, the bartender ran out of the hazelnut flavor so he substituted hickory nuts instead. The doctor took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, β€œthis isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!”

β€œNo I’m sorry”, replied the bartender, β€œIt’s a hickory daiquiri, doc”

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dredgemate
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2018
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked my girlfriend at dinner.

So we were eating dinner tonight, which is a rare treat because our work hours don't leave much overlapping free time. I had a dark glass with white wine with dinner. She asked what I was drinking, and I decided to recall a friend's joke.

Gf: boss_ginger, what are you drinking? Me: Oh, just water. Do you want it? I can pour another glass. Gf: Please, thank you. takes sip ... Gf: This is wine... Me: Raises hands into the air, leans back in chair Praise the LORD and his miracles!

πŸ‘︎ 738
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boss_ginger
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2014
🚨︎ report
Last night, at dinner in Mississippi

Last night, here in Mississippi, when I was at dinner, I encountered the strangest woman. She would sip her drink so loudly you could hear it across the room. Then when her soup came out, she brought the bowl to her mouth and took long sips. Then even when they brought out her ice cream dessert, she waited for it to melt and proceeded to sip that too!
When I watched all of this transpire, all that I could think to myself was

"Wow that Miss is sippy."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/armyjackson
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when you accidentally take a little bit of someone else’s drink you really wanted

A freudian sip

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tykesterr
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2018
🚨︎ report
Mr. Jones loses his poultry and drove of pigs in a vicious coyote attack one night.

Upon hearing the news, his neighbours and other farm owners decide to chip in to help him through a tough time.

With high hopes and heavy pockets, they reach Mr. Jones' farmhouse, only to see him merrily sipping lemonade on the porch. Confused, a person from the horde asks him, "Aren't you devastated?"

To which the farmer says,

No ham, no fowl

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/theswarthyknight
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
🚨︎ report
This morning I saw the milkman drinking a sip of milk before leaving it in front of my door.

How dairy!?

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
🚨︎ report
A wife sent her husband a romantic text message…

She wrote: β€œIf you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”

Her husband texted back: β€œI’m on the toilet, please advise.”

πŸ‘︎ 141
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/aaronh1202
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee.

The man take a sip and spits it out. He turns to the waiter and says,

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!"

The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the man and says,

"But sir, it's fresh ground!"

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
🚨︎ report
How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He sipped his coffee before it was cool

πŸ‘︎ 60
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/blamethedog16
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
🚨︎ report
How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He sipped his coffee before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/afranc72
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
🚨︎ report
How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He sipped his coffee before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bridge_view
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the hipster burn is mouth?

Because he sipped his coffee before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 116
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lucaewings27
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2018
🚨︎ report

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