I ordered some ripe, juicy, golden yellow mangoes from a grocery store. But all the mangoes they sent me were green.

They gave me a raw deal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drawsouza
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2021
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The moment I learned that β€œphα»Ÿβ€ is actually pronounced β€œfuh,” I knew the time was ripe to write a Google review for my all-time favourite phở restaurant. (I guess this qualifies more as β€˜racy wordplay’ than it does β€˜punny’?)
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πŸ‘€︎ u/70M70M
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
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Now that’s a ripe joke.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MomoYaseen
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2018
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What do you call a banana that will be ripe tomorrow?

A BaΓ±ana

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cirelo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
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My dad makes sure that ripe pears are separated from those that are not.

This way there's no pear pressure.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RandomGuyNumber1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
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Trying to teach my wife how to properly choose a ripe avocado.

Honestly, it’s not that hard.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hassela1050
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2019
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What do you call someone who eats fruit before its ripe?

What do you call someone who eats fruit before its ripe?

A statutory grapist..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mattcsan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2018
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I ask the wife if the limes look ripe enough and she says they look fine.

I say: "That's good. Cause there is a fine lime between being healthy and getting scurvy."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zz_LIMPALONG_zz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2017
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My wife indignantly asked, "What's so funny?!" when she heard me giggling after she ripped a rather ripe and putrid fart.

I replied, "Your gas is as good as mine!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RickShaw530
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2016
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A discussion I had with a woman over E-mail, Ripe with dad jokes.

Me:That's one of my specialties! Yesterday when one of my coworkers playfully hit me with curtains I threatened to have her arrested for assault with a thread-ly weapon.

Her: That's so cheesy, but so gouda.

M: Hearing you say that makes me feel grate!

H: Course! I couldn't just let it brie without returning with a different pun. :)

M: I'm so glad we curd share this moment, it keeps me from feeling bleu.

H: Are you stilton going on about this? It could be seen as a provelone.

M: No Whey! Really? I accepted Cheeses into my life a long time ago.

H: Well, I believe that there is more out there than Cheeses, with your Parmesan I could continue. Too bad I am bread tired, and wish to be loafing around. Good night and sweet dreams

M: Well, early to Bread early to Rise, as they say. You have sweet dreams. Oh, and don't ask Rye if I'm in them

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LegendofDragoon
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2016
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A bunch of people said they liked my shirt
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πŸ‘€︎ u/phoeniks26
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
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I got lost in a corn maze for a couple days last year

Needless to say I was starving, as fate would have it a ripe piece fell down right at my feet. Startled I called out β€œwell I guess it’s on the house!” To my amazement the stalk came to life and said β€œNonsense! It’s on the cob!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Durian-Shot
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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Banana for...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jaykirsch
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2018
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I caught my son rubbing banana peels all over him. At first, I was worried. Then I realized it.

He was going to be all ripe.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weirdafbird
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
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What fruit cannot get married in Las Vegas?

Cantaloupe.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Minotard
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2016
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There was man named Demitri who lived in Russia....

Throughout his whole life he was just fascinated with trains. Specifically passenger cars. He would enjoy going on trips with his family.

Demitri grew up and decided to make it his career. Unfortunately the difficult life he had from bullies pushed him towards the bottle and turned him to an alcoholic.

One late night in his shift he wrecked the train killing 10 people. When the courts found out he was drunk while operating they charged him with murder and sentenced him to the electric chair. For his last meal he only requested a simple ripe banana. When his time came the executioner strapped him to chair and asked for any last words. He simply said, "No." The pulled the lever and to everyone's amazement he was unharmed. The government saw this as an act of God and released him.

Couple of years later Dimitri got another job operating locomotives again. Unfortunately bad habits are not easy to quit and he was still an alcoholic. These trains were his only happiness. Unfortunately it happened again. He was drunk and crashed the train this time killing 8 people. He was again sentenced to death by the electric chair. He once again requested a banana. This time executioner really soaked the sponge to not risk a repeat. When the lever was pulled Dimitri was again left unharmed. Once again it was concluded to be another act of God and he was given his freedom.

Dimitri turned to the bottle even more especially having 18 lives gone because of him. He somehow managed to get another job doing what he loved most. It happened again though. This time, 23 people. The courts angry sentenced him one more time to death by electric chair.

When the time for his final meal came he requested another banana. The guards being very visibly upset over the situation denied his request and he was left no last meal. As the time approached and he was strapped to the chair. The executioner had a large grin ready to take this murderous man off Earth. When he pulled the lever however he was still left unharmed.

Furious the executioner cried, "How are you still alive?! You did not eat the banana!"

Dimitri shook his head and simply said, "Oh no officer the banana is not why I'm still alive. It's because I'm a terrible conductor."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jms199456
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2019
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My mom called me spoiled...

My dad quickly replied, β€œhe’s not spoiled, he’s just ripe!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dkyg
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2018
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Green ladybug

Yesterday I was helping my old man install the railing on his new deck. He stopped and said hey look at this weird green lady bug. I told him it must not be ripe yet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MDBrews
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2017
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What do you do with a green elephant?

Wait until it goes ripe.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boopey_booper
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2017
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Was driving to pick up a car from the garage with my dad

We went to pick up my mom's red Fiat 500, and as we turned right my dad remarked on a green Fiat that passed by us. He said: "I guess that one isn't ripe yet."

I chuckled.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doorhorse
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2014
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Got my 6 year old with this gold this morning

So my son wanted to have a banana this morning. My wife picked up a banana from the fruit bowl but she couldn't peel it as it wasn't ripe enough. So she put it back. My son asked me what had happened to the banana and I couldn't miss the opportunity, so I said:

Dad: "Son, the banana wasn't that a-peeling (appealing) this morning"

The groan from my wife, son and daughter was satisfying.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boozylightbeer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2016
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