Me: *throws hands in resignation*

The guy whose hands I just amputated: *looks at me awkwardly*

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/89odev
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I resigned from the ironing board.

Too many pressing issues and no way to de crease the number of suits against us.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lfantine
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2021
🚨︎ report
I didn't like my job, so I resigned.

But then I changed my mind, so I re-signed.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AxiomClient
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
🚨︎ report
The woman in charge of our local primary school has decided to resign.

She wants to quit while she's a head.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Recently, I've resigned from my position as a tunnel drill operator.

The job was boring.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/b3rkath
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I was trying to emulate the Easter bunny.
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My father was in the army...

And I remember he used to be stationed in exotic places all over the world. Once he came back home with a very exotic looking bird. I asked him what kind of a bird it was and he told me it’s a rare almost extinct species called a Foux (pronounced Foo). This foux was the apple of his eye and he would take care of the bird as if it was his own child. Sometime during this period the Foux began developing a real bad case of constipation and my father was really worried about it. He tried all kinds of medicines to make the Foux pass it’s bowels, but nothing was working. One day, during this period, I woke up to a huge argument taking place between my parents. My mom was accusing him of cheating on her during one of his tours, she had found some pictures of him and another woman and he was denying it vehemently. I realized then that my father had been quite the philanderer and this wasn’t the first time he had been caught. My mom was trying to get him to just admit to his indiscretion.

β€œWhy don’t you just admit it Harry”, she said;

but he stuck to his denial,

β€œYou think I could ever do something like this Sarah”, he said.

Right then amidst all this ruckus, the Foux began to take a dump, in the middle of the living room.

My mom looked at the bird, then looked back at my dad and with a sense of resignation she just said β€œWell if the Foux shits...”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RangaRedRascal
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Will Trump resign?

No but Theresa May

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ProfessorMurica
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
🚨︎ report
It's official The British Prime Minister has resigned.

It was expected though, It's the end of May after all.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
🚨︎ report
When I realized how terrible the play was, I quietly resigned from my job as a stage designer.

I left without making a scene.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
🚨︎ report
If you have to resign in Scrabble,

Then you’re at a loss for words.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HadoukenKitty
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2018
🚨︎ report
So I heard that the Volkswagen CEO resigned...

I guess you could say he fell off the wagen.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/krayt
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2015
🚨︎ report
43 out of the 44 U.S. Presidents actually ran for office.

FDR just rolled in there.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2018
🚨︎ report
Why won't a signwriter ever correct their work?

They'd have to resign.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
🚨︎ report
What did Obama say when he proposed to Michelle?

I don’t want to be Obamaself.

πŸ‘︎ 65
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2017
🚨︎ report
What does firewood do when it gets burnt out?

It tinders its resignation.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zchpayne
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2017
🚨︎ report
My dad and brother teamed up!

I'm home for the holidays so I was lying down in my room when suddenly my brother and father burst in! My brother is holding a tape measure.

They say "Hey, check out this new physics we've invented!" while my brother fiddles with the tape measure.

I looked up and with a mixture of horror and resignation I asked "What?"

"It's the principle of BELLYTIVITY!" while stretching the tape measure between their belly buttons.

Cackling they both ran out of the room.

I'm stuck here for five more weeks. I don't think I'm gonna make it.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Eschaton
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2013
🚨︎ report
Got one of my students the other day.

Context: I just put in my resignation notice at the school I work at, and word traveled amongst students fairly rapidly.

Student walks into room: "Say it ain't so, Mr. so-and-so" Me: " Oh man, I freaking love Weezer!" Confused looks were soon followed by groans.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MabDarogan
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2015
🚨︎ report

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