What is large, green and roams the woods?

A pack of cucumbers.

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📅︎ Jan 20 2019
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They stopped letting felines roam free in the meat market at the grocery store...

Too many animal related injuries, they were too delicat

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📅︎ Jan 03 2017
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Since the government's instituted shelter-in-place orders, lions have been roaming main street...

It's a Pride Parade.

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📅︎ Mar 21 2020
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What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A Roaming Catholic.

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👤︎ u/drozzi007
📅︎ Jun 12 2020
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I was looking thru my window and I saw a running nun

She must be a Roaming Catholic

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📅︎ Jul 22 2020
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On our roadtrip my dads phone buzzed and said his service went to Roaming

He got upset and said something to my mom, to which she replied, "We've been roaming all day".

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📅︎ Dec 05 2018
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A baby chameleon went to a therapist

Chameleon: The humans hate me

Therapist: What makes you say that?

Chameleon: My parents and siblings roam around their houses and kids' bikes, and it's all fine by the humans, but when I visit their neighborhood, they throw objects at me

Therapist: You need to learn to adapt to change

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👤︎ u/vinayjrao
📅︎ Apr 29 2020
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Roaming minutes

My dad is out of the country with a cruise and texted me. I told him to Facebook message me so as to not waste his roaming minutes.
His response: Roming on Friday. Florencing tomorrow. Francing today." I laughed in my cubicle and refused to explain why.

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👤︎ u/chops51991
📅︎ Jun 08 2016
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Have you heard about the Nun who ran away from the nunnery?

She's a roaming Catholic

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📅︎ Feb 23 2020
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Native American naming conventions (contains a swear word)

My dad used to tell me this one growing up:

>Native American child is with his father. He looks up at him and says "Dad, how did you figure out what to name us when we were born?"
>
>The dad responds "Son, it's easy: I just looked around nature and what I saw is what I named you. Your sister, Flying-Eagle, for instance, was born while an eagle flew overhead. Your brother was named Roaming-Buffalo for a similar reason. Why do you ask, Two-Dogs-Fucking?"

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📅︎ Jan 27 2020
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I can't believe Julius Caesar invaded France

Like honestly, he had the Gaul to do that? Wow

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👤︎ u/IAmEdgy03
📅︎ Jul 11 2019
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Roaming Candles

I was telling my dad about the fireworks my friends and I lit off last night

Me: And I lit off a Roman Candle

Dad: (makes a squiggly line in the air) So did it go off and start roaming around?

Mom: ugh

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👤︎ u/forensikat
📅︎ Jul 04 2014
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Cat calling
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📅︎ Sep 25 2018
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What do you call a sleep walking nun?

A Roman Catholic

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📅︎ Jul 16 2018
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The tour group visiting the capital of Italy did not have a specific agenda...

So the could roam Rome!

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📅︎ May 28 2019
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I just saw V, X and L walking around aimlessly.

I can't stand Roaming numerals.

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👤︎ u/TommehBoi
📅︎ Jan 21 2019
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What do you call a hopeless romantic who wanders the countryside?

Roam-eo.

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👤︎ u/RhynoCTR
📅︎ Jun 22 2018
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Of the entire animal kingdom, I'd have to say my favorite

Is steak... medium with just a little pink inside. With a salad is nice too. And potato with butter. Mmmm... love those steaks, roaming wild on the Savannah.

Sorry. Got distracted.

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📅︎ Nov 10 2018
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Oh give me a home, where the buffalo rome.

"AND I'LL SHOW YOU A LOUNGE FULL OF COW SHIT"

EVERY TIME my Dad hears this song, in public regardless of setting, he'll change the lyrics and say this just loud enough to be heard. God damnit Dad.

👍︎ 2
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📅︎ Aug 31 2015
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Adiūtā́tō! Roman pun assistance

So I'm trying to write an essay about the Roman Republic becoming the Roman Empire, thought it'd be funny to start off with a pun but I can't think of anything so... help?

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👤︎ u/SegaExodus
📅︎ Feb 12 2013
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My parents are in Italy, and I just received a text from my dad.

"My phone has been on roam all week. I think that's hilarious."

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📅︎ Sep 24 2015
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So theres this pirate, right?

He roams around the oceans and does pirate-y things, but he's most known for this one eccentricity: whenever he sees sheet music with anything over a high B, he rips it to shreds.

They call him the Tearer of the High C's

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📅︎ Feb 17 2015
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When parents announce their Euro-medditeranian travel plans

Mom- We're going to Rome, then we're going to Greece and we're going to Mount Olympus.

Me- Where are you roaming to? What are you greasing? And I don't think its safe to mount Olympus.

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👤︎ u/edragon20
📅︎ Sep 29 2015
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Dad joking the tour guide

After finishing the tour of the majority of the Dallas Cowboys stadium, the guide told us to "feel free to roam around the field."

Me: "Are we allowed to Romo 'round the field?"

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👤︎ u/dudebro0
📅︎ Jul 31 2014
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Farm Humor

My friend of mine is a new dad and lives on a farm. He has some cattle that are free to roam around the yard. He calls them his "auto-moo-tic" lawn mowers.

He's gonna be a fine dad.

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👤︎ u/foxekiwi
📅︎ Sep 28 2013
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What religion is a traveling nun?

A roaming catholic

👍︎ 9
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📅︎ Jul 10 2014
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My dad wears a size 15 shoe

Every time I go to the outlet malls with him, he will walk into all of the shoe stores and roam around in the men's section until a clerk comes to talk to him. When they ask if they can help with anything, he asks "Do you have any adult sizes? All I see are children's shoes!"

And then he proceeds to laugh until he walks to the next store. I love him.

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👤︎ u/dabidimas
📅︎ Oct 31 2013
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Got my wife on our road trip today

Wife looking at her phone: go figure, were roaming.

Me: have a little more faith honey, I know exactly where we're going.

silence

👍︎ 8
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📅︎ Mar 22 2014
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Got My GF So Good!

Me: I'm thinking about switching to T-Mobile. I've heard they let you use data, text, and talk with no fees while in Europe and Canada.

My GF: Oh? You won't be roaming?

Me: Nope! Not even when I'm in Rome!

eyes roll, grumbles galore

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👤︎ u/Tonyage27
📅︎ Mar 03 2015
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An Out of This World Dad Joke

So, this happened about a month or two ago. A couple of coworkers and I were talking about the movie Gravity and somehow got to the topic of satellites and cell service in space:

Coworker: The signal you'd get for your cell phone would be awesome. I mean you'd be right there next to the satellite

Me: I don't think it'd be worth it.. The roaming charges would be ASTRONOMICAL!

Cue the groans

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👤︎ u/itsyyzed
📅︎ Jul 22 2014
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On my way to college today through driving through the Midwestern US.

My dad asks me to check if an email has finally sent on his phone and I inform him that his phone is roaming. He said "Don't you think it's time that it cut that out, settled down, and started a nice phone family"

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👤︎ u/mon766
📅︎ Aug 18 2014
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Grandad Humor

Grandpa: You have a beautiful Roman nose.
Mom: Thanks?
Grandpa: It's Roman (roaming) all over your face!

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📅︎ Sep 18 2013
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Got hit with one while walking in the mall.

We're roaming around the mall and we pass a Kirkland's. For those of you that don't know, Kirkland's sells furniture and decorations. My friend goes, "Wait, what's that store?" I tell him that's a home-y store. He his me with, "Oh, I didn't know we were in the ghetto, we'd better get out of this area. It's not safe."

👍︎ 2
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📅︎ Dec 23 2013
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What do you call a sleep walking nun?

A roaming catholic.

👍︎ 10
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👤︎ u/prunedada
📅︎ Dec 08 2018
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