If you’re a pinch hitter for Seattle ...

Does that make you a submariner?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/siphodeus
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
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One pinch man
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fuckyoudieb1tch
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
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Need tweezers in a pinch?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vickaboop
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
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Scorpios will help you out in a pinch ♏️
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlippingStar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2019
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Just once i want to hear a tv chef take a pinch of herbs and say "thyme" *second pinch "and thyme again".
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πŸ‘€︎ u/si1enced
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2018
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Who gives you a ride in a pinch?

Taxi Crab

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πŸ‘€︎ u/superpond
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2012
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Dad: *Pinches me*

Me: Whats that for?

Dad: For a while!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/serialcompliment
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
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I just pinched this guy's wallet.

But it didn't seem in pain.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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BREAKING NEWS: A man has been spotted stealing tires from police cars

The authorities are working tirelessly to catch him!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LucaTheDevilCat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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What did the angry salt say to the rest of the spices?

Don't pinch me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GetItGotItProfIt
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
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What did the clock say when he was pinched?

Dude, you're TICKING me off!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xiloar
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2019
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If someone says Tequila is good for you

Take it with a pinch of salt

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mehyter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
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My wife always yells at me for not knowing how to properly season my food, but I don’t mind.

I take it with a pinch of sugar.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
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Pinching A Loaf imgur.com/78afsl3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElderCunningham
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2013
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Did you hear about the satellites that got married?

The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Datboifritz113
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2019
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Here's a picture of me pinching a loaf.

http://i.imgur.com/j99ktj4.jpg

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MickeyRooneyy
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2014
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Why don't crabs give to charity?

Because they're shellfish.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/guitnut
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2016
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Finally got use use my favorite dad joke

While my girlfriend and I were paying for our groceries, the cashier asked "Do you want the milk in a bag?"

I said "It's okay, you can leave it in the jug."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Willziac
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2014
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i don't feel good

Every time I've ever told my dad: "I don't feel good" or "I feel weird" he walks over, pinches my arm lightly and says "yeah, you DO feel weird" and it never fails to make me smile

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
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I went on a date with a woman. Things were going perfectly.

She said, "This is the best date I've ever had."

"Me too," I replied.

She said, "Pinch my arm to make sure that it's real."

So I pinched it and said, "Yes, that is definitely an arm."

πŸ‘︎ 578
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2018
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My professor just dedicated an entire 2-hour class to make ONE dadjoke.

Today was the first day of his class, Special Topics in Poetry. We walk in and there is a guest with some ceramic art. We thought we were gonna write poems about it or some shit, but then the professor says, "Welcome to special topics in pottery."

The whole class is like wat...?

Then the guest lady starts showing a powerpoint of some of her work and then we literally spent the whole class mushing clay and making bowls and shit.

To make things even dadder, he chuckled "poetry pottery heh heh heh" like we didn't get the joke and he had to explain it to us.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ITasteLikePurple
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2016
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What do you say to a C atom that leaves its molecular bond?

Pinche Carbon!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/agdrx
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2019
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My wife said she thought the soup was under-seasoned

I took it with a pinch of salt

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fdlowe
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2019
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What do you say to a girl with a broken nose?

I broke my nose in a really stupid horse-related accident in Montana.

Dad takes me to the local walk-in clinic. It's mostly empty, as it's around 7pm. As we're giving the insurance information and whatnot to the receptionist, Dad is busy doing that thing where he's texting without his cheaters so he's having to squint and hold the phone away and he's really not paying attention to some question the receptionist is asking...

So I whack him on the arm (with a towel held to my face) and say "Dad, pay attention."

Unblinking, he turns in my direction, without even looking directly at me, he mutters "Shut up, or I'll hit you again."

The receptionist was not pleased. He told the same joke to the doctor who stitched me up, and he laughed his ass off.

Actually, dad cracked so many jokes that the doctor kept having to pause while stitching up my nose. He took so long that the anesthetic wore off and I could definitely feel the last few stitches.

Dr: "Now sir, the stitches are going to cause your daughter's nose to swell quite a bit." Dad: "EVEN BIGGER!? That's amazing!"

Me: "Shut up Dad". Dad: (pinching his nose, speaking nasally) "Shut up Dad".

Unamused 18 year old daughter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wanderingstar625
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2013
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Son was playing Need For Speed...

He's doing a mission (I'm barley paying attention). I glance up and there's 2 cop cars trying to stop him. They get on either side of him and pinch him to a stop.

Son: Dang. The cops got me.

Me: What happened? Did they cop block you? (still chuckling to myself)

BTW, He's only 7 years old. He has no idea why I thought it was funny. My wife gave me the look of disapproval, so success was had.

Edit: I just want to let everyone know that I didn't notice my barely/barley mistake until after the hop joke below. Thanks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigDildo
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2014
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What kind of bread do you make in the bathroom?

Showerdough.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TimW7
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2018
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Blue Elephant Gun

Person1: How do you kill a Blue Elephant?

Person2: I don't know

P1: With a Blue Elephant gun, how do you kill a Pink Elephant?

P2: With a ponk Elephant gun?

P1: No, you pinch it's nose until it turns blue and kill it with a Blue Elephant gun.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xavierjh1775
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2019
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So I tried to make one of Jamie Oliver's 30 minute meals.

But I ran out of thyme.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MonsteRazor
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2013
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"Dad! I stubbed my toe!"

Dad: pinches me in the arm

Me: "Ow!!! What was that for?!"

Dad: "There, now your toe doesn't hurt anymore.

every. fucking. time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Roxanne712
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2016
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My numbing cream business is failing.

I've been feeling the pinch lately.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2018
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Why did the waitress trim the man's beard at the end of his meal?

He asked for a "to-go tea."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quixel
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2015
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My dad just got me at the Chinese place we're at.

I pulled my chopsticks out of the paper sleeve they come in, and one of them was broken at the tip.

Me: "Damn. One of my chopsticks is messed up."

Dad: "They may be damaged, but they'll do in a pinch!"

I facepalmed as he started cracking up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/snacksbuddy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2014
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Spider-Man catches a guy stealing a six-pack from a convenience store...

The guy puts down the beer and runs away. Spidey picks up the beer to take it back to the store, but he pauses. In a moment of weakness, he takes the beer home for himself.

That's how Peter Parker pinched a pack of pilfered Pilsners.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GreenSeaBreeze
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2017
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/u/DaftYao asks for pictures of hair length examples from different clipper guards. /u/815josh complies.

http://www.reddit.com/r/malehairadvice/comments/27ru6x/pictures_of_hair_length_from_different_clipper/ci3wu6m?context=3

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TuskenRaiders
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2014
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My dad did this every opportunity he got. "how do you scare a bee?"

he reaches over and pinches my nipple

BOOOOOBEE!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/natedog62
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2013
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My dad at boy scout camp last year

Me and a bunch of guys were sitting around playing cards while some other scouts were having ice cream. My dad grabs the sprinkles, walks up to us, and starts throwing small pinches of sprinkles at us. He proceeds to say "You guys better get your raincoats, it's sprinkling"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wootiown
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2016
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I bought a pair of emergency tweezers

They really come in handy in a pinch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ggaarrrreett
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2015
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GF came to visit at work. Got a two-fer!

Long, but worth it. GF visits me at work, I sneak up behind her and pinch her butt. She jumps, turns and asks "Why do you always do that?!" Me: "What?" GF: "Misbehave?" Me: "Sounds like a naughty teacher." GF: "huh?" Me: "Miss Behave, she sounds like a naughty teacher." GF groans and slaps me on the shoulder as a Female Co-worker walks by. FC: "Dunno what you did, but I'm sure you deserved that." GF: (to FC) "He did." (To me) "Who's that?" Me: "Oh, that's Missus LeJoke" (cue cheesey grin :D) GF realizes what I said, rolls eyes, groans "oh jeesus", facepalms, and walks away chuckling.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/schmeerdawg
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2014
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How my sister and I were born, according to my Father.

MariSunday, you were born because your Mom stole my sperm. Your little sister was a poop I took. The craziest part was when she tried to climb back in.

Have another for free- because you can only post one every 8 minutes.

Dad: How does the horse bite the pumpkin???!!! Me: NO DAD NOT AGAIN! Dad: LIKE THIS! pinches my leg super hard

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πŸ‘€︎ u/marisunday
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2014
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Why do crabs never give to charity?

Because they're shellfish.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Phifanit
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2016
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