My partner is telling me that I'm gaining a lot of weight from eating a lot of Indian food

But I think it's a naan issue.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brichouse
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Dad jokes that you overuse in public that infuriate your partner?

So my partner probably wants to stab me more than i think. Almost every time she ask is me to β€œput the kettle on” I respond β€œI can’t, it won’t fit” or if we’re shopping and I’m asked β€œdo you need a bag” I point at her and say β€œit’s fine I brought my own” there are others, but they currently evade my 2am brain.

I feel I need some new ones to keep her on her toes and what better place than this sanctum of one liners (except for this post, for which I apologise).

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/batchyyyyy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
so my drummer friend and her partner just had triplets. Girls. Their names?

Anna One, Anna Two, Anna 1-2-3.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
A mime is the perfect partner in crime

They'll never say a word

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lilbob628
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
I ordered a Hit Man to take care of my business partner the other day.

After a change of heart I cancelled the order, but it was too late.

He'd been despatched.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JimmoBM
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Why was the bean upset with his partner's gift to him?

She gave him her peas.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kevographic
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
My partner turned 40 today so I gave him some red, red wine and told him

UB40

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TL4Life
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?

He had a very esteemed colleague.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Russell_Pinto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the kidnapper say to his partner?

Hi-Jack

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ziad4826
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
A former female church member partnered with me in my start up.

She's nun of my business.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rajeshs33
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m always Frank with my sexual partners

I don’t want them to know my real name.

πŸ‘︎ 196
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yomamascub
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call the Mandalorian's partner?

Co-Mando.

(Credit to my girlfriend)

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shoretrooper
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Just a silly joke I made up to my partner

How do you say thanks in fish?

Thanksalotyl

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/camocase
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I truly am a monster. My partner is a nurse for context.
πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Salamirelish
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Fridays?
πŸ‘︎ 128
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Donfatty
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
My partner said that I looked constipated in our pictures

I was tryna hold my shit together

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wadesman26
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Business partner 1:Hey have you signed yet?

Business partner 2: Yes in deed

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/harshamfk
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the cowboy say when he went into the car showroom in Germany?

Audi partner.

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jigsatics
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
I asked my welsh friend how many sexual partners he's had

He started counting but fell asleep.

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrcharlesboyle
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I gave my partner some money and told her to go buy coffee

She said, "Fair trade."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I had a crush on my science lab partner, then she left the school

I lost My Chemical Romance

πŸ‘︎ 116
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I met my partner after we both reached for the same rifle scope.

You know what they say, love at first sight.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wolfyfancylads
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?

They’re pair-a-medics

πŸ‘︎ 284
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skeewbsontwitch
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My partner is having a bad day at work, so I thought I would draw his favorite animal with a cute note.
πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cjmeoow
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Some Campy Humor

Three men go camping in the wilderness; a German, an Italian and a Czechoslovakian. While asleep, their campsite is attacked by a couple of bears and all 3 men are presumed killed. Forest Rangers get deployed to find the missing campers. After inspecting the campsite, the Rangers discover the bear tracks and follow them to the den. Inside are the 2 bears, a male and a female, which the Rangers quickly kill. First, they opened the stomach of the female and inside were the remains of the German and Italian men.

"Looks like our work here is done," the lead Ranger says to his partner.

"But we only found 2 bodies!" The partner cries back.

The Ranger removes his sunglasses and looks vacantly into the distance before finally telling his partner:

"Clearly the Czech is in the male."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
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I am currently writing an introduction to a novel about a young man trying to find his former partner.

I guess it's an ex-position.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moonxmochi
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
🚨︎ report
When your partner's name is Martin
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarahsaurus1993
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Curry

I had an idea to start an Indian fast food restaurant. I’d call it β€œHurry with the Curry”.

Unfortunately, my wife said it was a naan-starter.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/black_-_coffee
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
The Boring Company

What a dull name for a drilling company. Why didn’t Musk partner up with the founder of Microsoft and call it β€šElon-Gates Tunnelsβ€˜?

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zeGermanGuy1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
My sexual partner got run over by a road roller

Now she’s my flat-mate.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jlionbad
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter came out as bi.

I asked her if she doesn't find a partner would she be on stand-bi.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gp_11
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
A comic series my friend is making about a mustachioed private detective, Jim Velvet and his bumbling partner Humphrey
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rezikmon
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What's Whitney Houston's favourite coordination?

HAAAANDD EEEEEEYYYYEEEEEEEEEE

P.S. I can't take credit, a got a phone call very late last night from my friend and her partner who had been drinking and just discovered this joke. They couldn't stop laughing. If only you could all have heard them trying to sing it.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/frankie0694
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
You’re Hired!

A very skilled attorney interviews for a job at a prestigious firm. The managing partner looks over his resume and exclaims with glee, β€œOh my goodness! You’re so experienced! You’re hired, and you can name your salary!”

The interviewee paused for a moment and said β€œThank you. I’d like to call mine Dennis.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JakeMann220
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
John was gay and he killed his partner. What was he charged with?

Culpable Homo-cide.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vtshll
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
🚨︎ report
How does two German car enthusiast cowboys greet each other?

Audi, partner 🀠

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EL17Eness
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
🚨︎ report
A new car has been launched for American cowboys...

The Audi Partner.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife is constantly changing her name, but gets mad at me when I call her the new name.

Sometimes it's hungry, sometimes it's tired, sometimes it's angry. Please help.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jdabby32
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2019
🚨︎ report
You know why you should be my partner in the marijuana businesses?

Because you know I won’t smoke up all the profits.

Recreational marijuana was just legalized here in the state of Michigan, so my dad just had to make a joke. πŸ™„

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArchyRs
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2019
🚨︎ report
My neighbour lends people money, but refuses to take on partners or associates.

He's a lone-wolf loan-shark.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LonestarSurvivor
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My favourite thing to do when my little girl and partner are in my car.

Whenever I have to reverse I always do so slowly, let out a nostalgic sigh and say: "ahhh, this takes me back."

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MouldyPingu
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
🚨︎ report
A Woman Gives Birth While Enduring Constant Puns From Her Partner youtube.com/watch?v=Dgc6R…
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bleedingrobot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I've been throwing bear puns at my partner all day but finally had to stop

They were going into Kodiak arrest

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Giftzahn
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you get Mike Tyson's attention?

Tell him you're all ears.

[I just thought of this while eating dinner and I'm pretty happy with it. I chuckled, and even my partner didn't sigh her usual sigh!]

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zipflop
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
So long, partner.
πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonlanderson
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2019
🚨︎ report
How do two German cowboy car enthusiasts greet each other?

Audi, partner.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justbeatitTTD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report

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