Output Puns

With a Mozilloscope

They're biased.

I’ve in-creased my output ten fold...

At a staff meeting, senior guy complains about work output. Exclaims "We need you to all stop being like a fishbowl - what we're aiming for here is a-fish-in-sea!"

whole room groans

edit: wording brainfart

He was lecturing on the cranial nerves, which do pretty much everything for the head. They control all 5 senses and motor output as well as some other non relevant stuff.

Professor: So class does everyone remember what the senses are?

Class: touch/pain, sight, hearing/equilibrium, smell, taste.

Professor: Does anyone know what the sixth sense is?

Class: (thinking hes serious) Guess random shit like magnetoreception.

Professor: The sixth sense is the ability to see dead people.

Class: combination of groans and laughter

Back story: I'm at a shop getting my car put on a dyno. A dyno measures the power output. I didn't tell my girlfriend but she knew I was planning on getting it done soon.

Me: I'm in neighboring city

GF: what are you doing there?

Me: car stuff

GF: are you getting a stegosaurus

Me: what...?

GF: I thought you were getting a dino!

Me: ohmygod.

My 18 yr old son was intently talking to me about something, and his 12 yr old sister tried to weigh in on it.

He said, "No one asked for your input, Sis." And she immediately snapped back with, "Well no one asked for your output either."*

We all laughed and he grudgingly admitted that it was a pretty clever comeback.

*hope this fits in as a dad joke