Hey girl!! Are you a newspaper?

Because there's a new issue with you everyday.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
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I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......

......... The Times are really Rough!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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I'm thinking of starting a newspaper based upon 2020...

I think it'll be called The Trying Times.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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Johnny Depp has lost his case against The Sun newspaper even with evidences

Hard to win if Amber is Heard and Johnny is not

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryonnsan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
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The doctor told me I probably won’t be able to walk again after getting into an accident with a newspaper delivery truck.

I was crushed by the news.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
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"Spider!" yelled my wife from upstairs "bring up the newspaper".

"Fair enough," I shouted back, "which one does he want to read?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
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β€œNow how’s he going to read that newspaper all rolled up like that!?"

Thought the spider...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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I just read in the newspaper: "Painting stolen from art museum found by a set of dustbins."

Those dustbins must be very intelligent.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
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SON: β€œHey, Dad! This newspaper says the moon is going broke.”

DAD: β€œWhy is it going broke?” SON: β€œThe paper says it’s going into its last quarter.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HagOrMan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
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Thanks to our mutual dislike of newspaper puzzles, my wife and I have enjoyed a long and happy marriage. Thirty years and...

...never a crossword...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
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I ran out of toilet paper the other day, and have been using newspaper since...

And man, the Times are tough!!!

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
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I don't think I'm well-suited for this job as a newspaper editor.

Even my blood is a Type O!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2020
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Why did Tesla read newspapers?

To know about current events.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Allgen
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
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The local newspaper just hired me as the sports editor.

My pen name is Jim Shortz.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
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My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. β€œWe had sex education today, dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!” I put down my newspaper, looked at her and said…

β€œOh, he will, sweetheart, he will.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2018
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Puns in newspapers

Hi everybody! I absolutely need to find some puns featured in the headlines of the English newspapers. It would be nice if they referred to current topics such as Boris Johnson or Harry and Meghan. Could anyone help me? I'd appreciate that.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Padman96
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2020
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My uncle worked for a newspaper's crossword puzzle team, but only contributed one awesome clue in his career...

He was a one-hint wonder!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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My family complains that I never talk during breakfast because I still read a newspaper.

You can say.... I’m behind The Times.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
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After a lot of tries, I finally taught my cat to fetch the newspaper.

You know what they say, practice makes purr fetch

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jpereira73
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
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2020 is basically a newspaper

there seems to be a new issue every passing day

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πŸ‘€︎ u/itdobehowitis
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2020
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My actual dad reading the newspaper out loud "learn to play piano by ear!"

Then he mutters under his breath "I'd rather use my fingers"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mattc_guitar
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
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I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.

He was behind The Times.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JiminyKirket
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2020
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Hey girl, are you a newspaper?

Because there’s an new issue with you every single day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sybkeuhx
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
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Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.

I’m fallen on some hard Times.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
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One for the sunday morning newspaper

When you get to the obituaries pause and say "hmm" like you see something interesting.
Wife or kids will say "what?" and you say "they all died in alphabetical order!"
It gets better after the 5th or 20th time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nicknak2445
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
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Gotta love the local newspaper
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FakeNavyDoctor
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2017
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What do u call a sad newspaper company?

DePRESSed

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pinknoodles2000
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
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got fired from a newspaper company for forgetting important text.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iDarqq
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
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I saw an ad in the newspaper for burial plots

Then I thought to myself "This is the last thing I need."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gearidall_M_Grey
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2019
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What do you call a newspaper column that gives advice about fashion wear?

Article of clothing

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FreakyStarrbies
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
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Found this in a recent newspaper
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1AsianPanda
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2019
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My neighbor saw me naked grabbing the newspaper early this a.m. Embarrassing.

Now he knows I'm taking his paper.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/milkchaser
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
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The pun was actually the front page headline of the local newspaper.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ibeatobesity
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2018
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I asked my daughter if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century" she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad".

I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FriedLime
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
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What was it like to see the very first newspaper?

Simply inkreadable

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yahtzee44444
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
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I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad...

The fly didn’t stand a chance...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2019
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Newspaper headline:

Police toilet stolen. Cops have nothing to go on.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRealWingnut
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2019
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I saw a headline in the newspaper that said someone made a bomb out of nitrous oxide.

This is no laughing matter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sirdroftardis8
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
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Newspaper warns of escaped psychic Dwarf

Headline reads...

"Small Medium at Large!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigjambo1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2018
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Newspaper Headline

Stationary store moves.

^(Credit to Jimmy Carr)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/remsed777
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2019
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I ran out of toilet paper, so I had use old newspapers...

The 'Times' are rough

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mac_OrchardYT
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
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I've run out of toilet paper and started using old newspapers instead

The times are rough

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
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Ran out of toilet paper and had to resort to using old newspapers...

Gotta say... these are rough Times.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Daudelin1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
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I ran out of toilet paper, so have begun using old newspapers...

Times are rough.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
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My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. β€œWe had sex education today dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!” I put down my newspaper, looked at her and said…

β€œOh, he will, sweetheart, he will.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2019
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My wife is like a newspaper...

...she has a new issue every day!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hebedejeb
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
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My wife is like a newspaper...

There is a new issue every day.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
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