Hey girl!! Are you a newspaper?
Because there's a new issue with you everyday.
I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......
......... The Times are really Rough!!!
I'm thinking of starting a newspaper based upon 2020...
I think it'll be called The Trying Times.
Johnny Depp has lost his case against The Sun newspaper even with evidences
Hard to win if Amber is Heard and Johnny is not
The doctor told me I probably won’t be able to walk again after getting into an accident with a newspaper delivery truck.
I was crushed by the news.
"Spider!" yelled my wife from upstairs "bring up the newspaper".
"Fair enough," I shouted back, "which one does he want to read?"
“Now how’s he going to read that newspaper all rolled up like that!?"
I just read in the newspaper: "Painting stolen from art museum found by a set of dustbins."
Those dustbins must be very intelligent.
SON: “Hey, Dad! This newspaper says the moon is going broke.”
DAD: “Why is it going broke?”
SON: “The paper says it’s going into its last quarter.”
Thanks to our mutual dislike of newspaper puzzles, my wife and I have enjoyed a long and happy marriage. Thirty years and...
I ran out of toilet paper the other day, and have been using newspaper since...
And man, the Times are tough!!!
I don't think I'm well-suited for this job as a newspaper editor.
Even my blood is a Type O!
Why did Tesla read newspapers?
To know about current events.
The local newspaper just hired me as the sports editor.
My pen name is Jim Shortz.
My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. “We had sex education today, dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!” I put down my newspaper, looked at her and said…
“Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.”
Puns in newspapers
Hi everybody! I absolutely need to find some puns featured in the headlines of the English newspapers. It would be nice if they referred to current topics such as Boris Johnson or Harry and Meghan. Could anyone help me? I'd appreciate that.
My uncle worked for a newspaper's crossword puzzle team, but only contributed one awesome clue in his career...
He was a one-hint wonder!
My family complains that I never talk during breakfast because I still read a newspaper.
You can say.... I’m behind The Times.
After a lot of tries, I finally taught my cat to fetch the newspaper.
You know what they say, practice makes purr fetch
2020 is basically a newspaper
there seems to be a new issue every passing day
My actual dad reading the newspaper out loud "learn to play piano by ear!"
Then he mutters under his breath "I'd rather use my fingers"
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
Hey girl, are you a newspaper?
Because there’s an new issue with you every single day.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’m fallen on some hard Times.
One for the sunday morning newspaper
When you get to the obituaries pause and say "hmm" like you see something interesting.
Wife or kids will say "what?" and you say "they all died in alphabetical order!"
It gets better after the 5th or 20th time.
Gotta love the local newspaper
What do u call a sad newspaper company?
got fired from a newspaper company for forgetting important text.
I saw an ad in the newspaper for burial plots
Then I thought to myself "This is the last thing I need."
What do you call a newspaper column that gives advice about fashion wear?
Found this in a recent newspaper
My neighbor saw me naked grabbing the newspaper early this a.m. Embarrassing.
Now he knows I'm taking his paper.
The pun was actually the front page headline of the local newspaper.
I asked my daughter if I could borrow a newspaper.
"This is the 21st century" she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad".
I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him...
What was it like to see the very first newspaper?
I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad...
The fly didn’t stand a chance...
Newspaper headline:
Police toilet stolen. Cops have nothing to go on.
I saw a headline in the newspaper that said someone made a bomb out of nitrous oxide.
This is no laughing matter.
Newspaper warns of escaped psychic Dwarf
Headline reads...
"Small Medium at Large!"
Newspaper Headline
Stationary store moves.
^(Credit to Jimmy Carr)
I ran out of toilet paper, so I had use old newspapers...
I've run out of toilet paper and started using old newspapers instead
Ran out of toilet paper and had to resort to using old newspapers...
Gotta say... these are rough Times.
I ran out of toilet paper, so have begun using old newspapers...
My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. “We had sex education today dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!” I put down my newspaper, looked at her and said…
“Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.”
My wife is like a newspaper...
...she has a new issue every day!
My wife is like a newspaper...
There is a new issue every day.
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