Ever since I killed one of my chickens with the lawn mower...

all manner of scary, haunting things are happening to me. I may have a poultrygeist.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
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My lawn care guy had to give up mowing when his mower broke down.

He just couldn't cut it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. Somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me...

Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a minute and when I came out, I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a slight limp...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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My neighbor asked why i bought a new lawn mower...

..Told him that my old one just wasnting cutting it.

(Neighbor approved)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoctorVinderman
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
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My son came home to find me slumped over the lawn mower crying my eyes out. He shouted over the noise, "You ok, pop?!" I shouted back...

"I'm fine!! I'm just going through a rough patch!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
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My yard's overrun with weeds so thick they broke my mower.

I fought the lawn, and the lawn won.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/garbagearmy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
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I woke up this morning and saw my neighbor slumped over his lawn mower, crying his eyes out.

He was growing through a rough patch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
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Today I had to get rid of the lawn mower I've had for 20 years.

It just could no longer make the cut.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Challengedildo
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2019
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I guess it's time to invest in a new lawn mower...

The one I got isn't cutting it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2019
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Walking in to Home Depot yesterday to look at lawn mowers...

Me: I like shopping here.

Wife: Yeah?

Me: Yeah, there's so much mower selection.

Wife: ....

Me: :D

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πŸ‘€︎ u/brianlouis
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2016
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I mixed up my lawn mower and beard trimmer again

My face is fine now, but the lawn is taking forever to finish.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MajorParadox
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2018
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My dad always used to tell me to wear shoes when using the lawn mower. I would always end up wearing slippers.

He would say "Don't come running to me if you get your legs cut off!".

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2016
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Coworker came in today with a buzzcut claiming he got into a fight with a lawn mower.

I told him he fought the lawn and the lawn won.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yourchingoo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2016
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What Did The Monkey Say When His Tail Got Caught In The Lawn Mower?

It won't be long now.

Ted Allen said this dad joke on Chopped and this older cowboy chef knew the punchline. He must have kids.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CapnCrunchDaPimp
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2015
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"Just bought a new Murray lawn mower"

...I think I'll name him Bill

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πŸ‘€︎ u/joderd
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2015
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Mower jokes

My brother, my stepdad and I were working on a mower that we picked up from someone. The mandrel assembly was broken, but we didn't know that until we looked under the mower deck.

<After picking up the mower deck> Stepdad: Ohh! I see what's going on! Brother: Stepdad saw something revolutionary!

Groans were had all around

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πŸ‘€︎ u/2003z440
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2015
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He’ll be cutting your grass
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kelly240361
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
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Told my wife to message the lawn person

Because we are taking our fence down.

She came back, stopped me, just to ask "Is there a mower emoji?

I said: is that really an emojency?

38, first original joke from an unoriginal dad. Had to share.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shor7Fuz3
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
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I think I took the wrong test.

This Briggs Stratton personality thing says I’m a hedge trimmer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/whomikehidden
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
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I played an open world game and a homosexual killed me while mowing his front yard

It was very much gay mower

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hew-G
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
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What fatal mistake did the blade of grass make after being fertilized?

It shouted, β€œI want mower!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/waddupmanitsjohn
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
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I lost my job as a yard maintenance company for not doing my work....

...apparently, I didn't cut it any mower.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/onlymojo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2019
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I noticed some really nasty weeds in my yard.

I tried my gas-powered trimmer, which is normally up to the task, but I couldn't cut through them.

I tried using my mower to tear them up, but it couldn't make a dent.

I got out the manual tree branch trimmer to try to take out some of the bigger stalks, but I just couldn't cut through.

Finally, I got out my chainsaw, and even then, the thicket just clogged it up & wouldn't go down.

I give up.

I fought the lawn, and the lawn won.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/popegonzo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2018
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What do you use to trim a deer's hair?

A fawn mower

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chefreamund
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2017
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My Dad's signature longform joke

My Dad loves to tell this joke when he meets new people. When he met my fiance, I led him into it and he took the bait seamlessly.

"I went out to check my mail and saw my neighbor mowing his lawn. As I was going back inside, I heard the mower mess up and him screaming. I ran over and saw he had run over his foot. It was terrible, he had been wearing flip flops. His big toe was cut off and his foot was very bloody. I immediately called 911, then yelled for my wife to help. I used my shirt to wrap up his bloody foot up and saw that his big toe was lying a few feet away in the grass clippings. I told my wife to bring me our cooler with an ice pack, then I put the toe in the cooler. A few minutes later the ambulance arrived, and they rushed him off to the hospital. I was quite relieved but as I turned to go back inside, I realized the EMTs forgot the cooler."

At this point he pauses for a long time, and the listener invariably cries, "What did you do!?"

He takes a moment, and calmly responds, 'Well, I called a tow truck!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/budgeroo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2013
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Farm Humor

My friend of mine is a new dad and lives on a farm. He has some cattle that are free to roam around the yard. He calls them his "auto-moo-tic" lawn mowers.

He's gonna be a fine dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/foxekiwi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2013
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I saw my dad slumped over the lawn mower, crying his eyes out, so I yelled, "Are you ok?!"

He said he’ll be fine, he’s just going through a rough patch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2018
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