My wife was hurrying me along and asking when things were going to be done so I asked her if she was my clone from Moscow. She looked confused and said "No, why?"

I said "Because you're Russian me."

πŸ‘︎ 95
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MA121Alpha
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Moscow is the capital of black holes...

...because everything is Rushin' to them.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CatsCreepMeowt
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Why are people in Moscow always so early to meetings?

Because they're Russian to them!

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Vlad Putin’s new casino in Moscow failed.

Apparently nobody wanted to play Russian Roulette.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigfoothobbit
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
If you ever go to Moscow you will notice there is always a sense if urgency on the streets

Because everyone there is Russian.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pockets-sandy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked the bartender for the WiFi password but he told me to buy a drink first. So I ordered a Moscow Mule and asked him again. He handed me a card with the password. It said:

"Buy a drink first" ... no spaces, all lowercase.

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Its OUR moscow
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/conotaku69
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Moscow is the busiest city in the world

It's because of all the Russian around.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I started making Moscow Mules at home

Been Putin them down all night.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/turboteggy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I was thinking about moving to Moscow...

But there's no point in Russian into things.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dontgetpenisy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I was conned into believing that my hotel room in Moscow had free wifi.

I remember the ad saying: Internyet.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2018
🚨︎ report
I was in Moscow during Rush Hour.

Even there, people were Russian.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Notorious_BEN
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2018
🚨︎ report
A couple is touring Moscow...

The husband looks at the cloudy sky and says "It looks like rain" His wife says, "No, it's just cloudy." Their tour guide, a Communist officer named Rudolph, overhears them and says "It will definitely rain." Sure enough, a few minutes later, the heavens open and the tour group runs for cover from the downpour. The husband turns to his wife and says "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/glyph-bellchime
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2018
🚨︎ report
Whenever Trump goes to Moscow, he makes a point to hang out with his friend Cici.

Mostly because he likes to CCCP.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wck0
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2017
🚨︎ report
I found the perfect house for sale in Moscow

I was Russian to get there to Putin an offer but my car kept Stalin and I missed it.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_8_Bit_Zombie
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2017
🚨︎ report
Where's Moscow?

In the barn with Pa's cow!

One of his favorites. Oh, also: Juneau the capital of Alaska?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SweetNeo85
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2014
🚨︎ report
What do you call someone from Moscow?

a Mosquito!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OctagonNorther
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2013
🚨︎ report
Beautiful city
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BosaKaczka
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter yesterday: "Dad you're like a social vegan..."

"You avoid 'meet' whenever possible".

Clearly I've raised her well.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/XrayJ
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2017
🚨︎ report
Where does Russian milk come from?

Moscows

πŸ‘︎ 346
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ExclusiveBlend
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2018
🚨︎ report
If I ordered a Mint Julep in a copper mug

could I call it a Moscow Mitch?

Explanation: A cocktail called a Moscow Mule is served in copper mugs. The mint julep is Kentucky Derby's official drink, and Mitch McConnell is the senator from Kentucky who has blocked legislation to stop Russian interference in US elections, earning him the nickname "Moscow Mitch" among his critics.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elRobRex
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Do you know how many cows are Russian?

Bruh, Moscows are Russian.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/halfcookedspaghet
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Where do Russians get their milk?

Moscow

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FuryUprising
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2019
🚨︎ report
These puns are Capital!

So I had a productive day at work coming up with these Capital City puns a year ago today. Thought they were too good not to share!

Why did the Geordie arrange a holiday to Romania?

To book a rest!

Bob Mortimer was speaking to his comedy partner's wife saying he wanted to take him on a piss up to Iceland. When asked why he said:

I want to wreck ya vic!

Why should you never let a man go swimming in Finland with weights on his ankles?

Coz He'll sinky

What do people most commonly use toilet paper for in Bandar Seri Begawan?

Their Brunei

Catwoman bet her male counterpart he couldn't pronouce the capitol of Nepal. But cat man do.

Why was the Polish man rubbing his bollocks? Coz they warsaw.

I just came up with a cracking pun for Japan. Alas, all the wife could say was "What Tokyo so long?"

The ex Mrs McCartney got naked in East Germany in the 80s. She was known for years in the area as Bare-lin

Cheap flights to Russia still available! Book now! Everything Moscow!

The people of Bahamas think learning Capitol cities is Nassau important

The people of the Netherlands had a need to build a water driven power station as well as an overabundance of pork products. So they used 'Ams to Dam a river.

A husband and wife in the Phillipines were both very, very unwell. The woman was sick, but the man iller.

What's the average Senegalian's favoured mode of transport? Da car

Have you heard about the talking cat in Somalia that only throws insults? The Moggy Diss you

They are obsessed with John Cleese in Uruguay. They love a video of Fawlty towers almost as much as they love a Montevideo

People from Vietnam Hanoi the hell outta me

Rain storms are very rare in Zambia, but in Zimbabwe they Harera

Before you do a joke about Macedonia, let me Skopje right there

I've heard Swedish Ikea workers get stuff for free, they can just take Stockholm

If you are trying to eat Halal in Pakistan, Islamabad or good choice?

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spoghead
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a place that breeds green cows?

Moscow

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NickWilde992
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you hear Russia is having a closing down sale?

Everything Moscow

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kipperchimp
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2016
🚨︎ report
The production staff of Car Talk at NPR
  • Accounts Payable Administrator_______________Imelda Czechs

  • Accounts Payable Clerk, Moscow Office__________Dasha Chekhov

  • Air-Quality Monitor _________________________Carmine Dioxide

  • Caffeine Addiction Counselor__________________Bruno Moore

  • Chief Legal Counsel_________________________ Hugh Louis Dewey of Dewey, Cheetham & Howe

  • Cliche Monitor_____________________________Saul Wellingood

  • Clothing Designer__________________________Hugh Jass

  • Credit Counselor___________________________Max Stout

  • Director of Purchasing_______________________Lois Bidder

  • Director of Pavlovian Research________________Isabelle Ringing

  • Divorce Attorney___________________________Carmine Nottyors

  • Dog Trainer_______________________________Don Chase Katz

  • Ebay Specialist____________________________Selma Junkoff

  • Head of Security___________________________Barb Dwyer

  • Global Economics Forecaster_________________Helena Handbasket

  • Marine Biologist___________________________Frieda Wales

  • Father-in-Law Liaison_______________________Royal Payne Diaz

  • Mother-in-Law Liaison______________________Stella Payne Diaz

  • Official Spokesperson_______________________Howie Vasive

  • Restroom Attendants_______________________Trudy Door & Donna Hall

  • Russian Chauffeur__________________________Picov Andropov

  • Scout Leader______________________________Lawson D. Woods

  • Shop Foreman_____________________________Luke Bizzy

  • Staff Intuitionist____________________________Ivan Inkling

  • Used Car Salesman_________________________Alexis Itznot

Full list can be found here: http://www.cartalk.com/content/staff-credits

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IcedPyro
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2016
🚨︎ report
What did the Russian say when he had to leave his friends?

"I Moscow"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iR0cket
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2015
🚨︎ report
I feel like this joke is underappreciated on /r/todayilearned.

http://goo.gl/4RBWVA

tl;dr: TIL During the 2014 Sochi Olympics, Russians got free passes on the Moscow subway system if they did 30 squats in front of a motion sensor

/u/SayLem37: "How did the sensor know they were russian?"

/u/eatnubmer1: "They did the squats quickly."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eatnumber1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2014
🚨︎ report
What do you call a russian cow?

Moscow

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VerySrsCat
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2018
🚨︎ report

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