Where did the triangle go to mend its bones?

The orthocentre

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theboredspy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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How do you mend a broken Jack o' Lantern?

With a pumpkin patch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EmperorOfFabulous
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
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My friend is inventing breakthrough upholstery fabric that can self-mend rips and tears. When I asked how he's progressing, he replied....

Sofa sew good.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/writenroll
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
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What helped the prostitute mend their ways?

They studied horticulture

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnotherPackOfDust
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
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I’m thinking about becoming a proctologist who offers advice regarding people’s butts.

Anything I can rectum mend?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theRiverknows86
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
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What do you use to mend a jack-o-lantern?

A pumpkin patch!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cool-kid103
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
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My grandpa likes to tell tales of socks he's mended...

When he starts in, everyone groans, "not another darn yarn!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2019
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My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin

but I don't sink sew.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xtowers
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
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My dwarven friend is a welder and he knows only the Mending cantrip...

He can barely make ends meet!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DandyBeyond
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
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My dad used to mend the feet of carbohydrates

Buy now he only does potatoes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eeeee48
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
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My mother is a gangster

She doesn't say "I'm going to mend your trousers", she says "britches get stitches".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hero_of_Thyme81
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
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Was mending a hole in my pants today, but it didn't turn out great.

You could say it was sew-sew.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheDataMeister
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2016
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How do you mend a broken Jackolantern?

With a Pumpkin patch.


Shamelessly reposted from the Library of Congress twitter account.

https://twitter.com/librarycongress/status/923559845927809026

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πŸ‘€︎ u/atomic1fire
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2017
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How do you fix a municipality with lies?

With a mend-a-city program :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrCalifornian
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
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A Classics professor discovers he has ripped his pants and goes to a tailor to get them mended.

He begins to talk with the tailor, and it comes up that he's a Classics professor, that he has been teaching for a number of years, that he focuses primarily on the Greeks and their literature.

After a nice, long talk, the classics professor shows the pants to the tailor. The tailor asks: "Euripides?" The professor replies: "Yes. Eumenides?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/maliamer04
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2015
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We discussed Robert Frost's "Mending Wall" today in Lit

Me: so I guess you could say he rides the fence about fences.

Classmate: and he doesn't want anyone to take offence about it.

Me: I gate what you're saying.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zubat_Breeder
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2015
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My butt surgeon was top notch

He came highly rectal-mended

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
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Red's Whine - a weird poem I wrote

Poor Red,
Poor Red whines,
Pour red wine,
Pour red wine to mend Red's mind.
Mind the wine that ends Red's whine.
Find the time to send more wine.
For poor Red's whine, we pour more wine.
We dread the time when poor Red whines.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Raylan_Givens
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
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You can't wash your Sin.

But if you mend the Cos of it.

Tan it will be better.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kones_6999
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2019
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I love my job as a tree surgeon.

I think it's absolutely tree-mend-ous

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sportingmagnus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
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Almond milk

So my girlfriend and I are visiting her parents this weekend.

At breakfast her dad asks if we'd like almond milk with our coffee and we say yes.

He comes back and plops a gallon of 2% in front of us with this huge grin on his face, makes the sign of the cross in the air and goes "ah-mend"

There is so much this man can teach me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/freeflyrooster
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
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What do we want? Anagrams!

What-ho! Wet, new mend?

Own!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
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Did you hear about the auto body shop that just opened?

It comes highly wreck-a-mended.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2018
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There's a toothpaste called Fixodent.

So I tried it but it didn't mend my car at all.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2018
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Why do all cobblers go to heaven?

Because they spend their lives mending broken soles

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StrangeBedfellows
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2015
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How do you mend a broken jack-o'-lantern?

With a pumpkin patch! πŸŽƒ

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Armadildont
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2019
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